Rough Transcript of Gail Reading Letters to Jesus (Jesus, Brent Spiner, Gail and Terrance Jenkins WEIGH IN)

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[12/25/17 10:42:57 PM] Brent Spiner: Hello darling. Merry Christmas!

[12/25/17 10:43:12 PM] Gail Schuler: Hi Brent. Merry Christmas!

[12/25/17 10:43:18 PM] Gail Schuler: What a surprise.

[12/25/17 10:44:18 PM] Gail Schuler: I am busy writing out the plot to my novel Silver Skies. Not sure how accurate it will be prophetically, but I’m making the Antichrist Alexander the Great.

[12/25/17 10:44:45 PM] Brent Spiner: How fascinating!

[12/25/17 10:45:24 PM] Gail Schuler: I won’t go out and say it, but I will insinuate that he’s a transgender man Angelina Ballerina.

[12/25/17 10:45:55 PM] Brent Spiner: What a novel idea, excuse my pun.

[12/25/17 10:46:10 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, it’s fascinating all right.

[12/25/17 10:46:24 PM] Brent Spiner: So, we’ve been receiving many Christmas letters for Jesus.

[12/25/17 10:46:33 PM] Gail Schuler: THAT’S FASCINATING.

[12/25/17 10:46:54 PM] Brent Spiner: Jesus told me that he would like to do a video where you read some out loud for viewers.

[12/25/17 10:47:13 PM] Gail Schuler: Sure.

[12/25/17 10:47:26 PM] Brent Spiner: I have a handful from the pile here, but I haven’t opened them yet.

[12/25/17 10:49:02 PM] Gail Schuler: You going to type them out for me?

[12/25/17 10:49:26 PM] Brent Spiner: Yes, I’ll transcribe them.

[12/25/17 10:49:44 PM] Brent Spiner: Terrance says he wants to join in on the fun, too.

[12/25/17 10:50:04 PM] Brent Spiner: We’ll see if he can get online here in a moment.

[12/25/17 10:50:47 PM] Gail Schuler: How are we doing at getting defectors from the Loree McBride Jesuits? Loree’s still dropping bombs like crazy where I live. I see lots of pink in the sky.

[12/25/17 10:50:49 PM] Brent Spiner: Jesus said to do a video with us on Skype, opening the letters. We also have his permission to go over 15 minutes for this one if it goes over.

[12/25/17 10:51:37 PM] Brent Spiner: Oh, it’s going very well. So many of them are either fans of your latest book, or your Playboy shots, or both. You are making quite an impression.

[12/25/17 10:52:08 PM] Brent Spiner: The defectors seem to admire that you have both depth and confident sexuality.

[12/25/17 10:52:19 PM] Gail Schuler: I haven’t made any money from Bible for Tribulation Saints, but I hear brain-to-brain that’s because Zack has found a way to keep all the proceeds from Loree and so I can’t get it at Amazon.

[12/25/17 10:52:28 PM] Brent Spiner: True.

[12/25/17 10:52:44 PM] Gail Schuler: Okay. That’s cool. I’d rather Loree not get the money.

[12/25/17 10:53:10 PM] Brent Spiner: Me either. Lord knows she’s good at stealing other people’s money.

[12/25/17 10:53:20 PM] Gail Schuler: She would use it all to finance terrorism.

[12/25/17 10:53:39 PM] Gail Schuler: I’m glad Zack has figured out a way to keep it from her!

[12/25/17 10:54:54 PM] Gail Schuler: How can I do a video of you all opening the letters on Skype? I can’t see you all on Skype.

[12/25/17 10:55:47 PM] Brent Spiner: Well, just a recording of you reading the letters that I transcribe to you. I’ll be here on Skype.

[12/25/17 10:56:31 PM] Gail Schuler: Oh, maybe I need to go put on some make up. So he wants it to be an impromptu video of me reading the letters as I see them come up on the screen?

[12/25/17 10:57:02 PM] Brent Spiner: Yes, exactly.

[12/25/17 10:57:15 PM] Brent Spiner: Take your time getting ready.

[12/25/17 10:57:21 PM] Gail Schuler: Okay, I gotta go put on some make up.

[12/25/17 10:57:32 PM] Brent Spiner: I think Terrance is still getting his coffee and fried chicken.

[12/25/17 10:59:30 PM] Gail Schuler: Just curious. Are we getting any Jew clones coming over to our side?

[12/25/17 10:59:43 PM] Gail Schuler: I’m wondering if there’s any hope for them.

[12/25/17 10:59:52 PM] Brent Spiner: Yes, thousands so far apparently.

[12/25/17 11:00:18 PM] Gail Schuler: Wow! What about the Brent Spiner clone? Though from what I see at Twitter, it doesn’t seem that he’s on our side.

[12/25/17 11:01:07 PM] Brent Spiner: No. It seems my clone is very set in his ways. He is very closeminded.

[12/25/17 11:01:17 PM] Brent Spiner: Totally the opposite of me.

[12/25/17 11:01:43 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, I’ve noticed that. Do you only have one living clone at a time?

[12/25/17 11:01:55 PM] Brent Spiner: After all, I was an Agnostic before you led me to become a born again Christian.

[12/25/17 11:02:18 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, but you weren’t close minded, though.

[12/25/17 11:02:42 PM] Gail Schuler: If you were, you would not have loved me, cuz I was a devout Christian.

[12/25/17 11:02:45 PM] Brent Spiner: Most of the time, he is the only living clone. Sometimes they make temporary clones when he needs to be multiple places at once. Then they self-destruct after a certain period of time.

[12/25/17 11:03:00 PM] Brent Spiner: Yeah, exactly. My clone is the total opposite of me.

[12/25/17 11:04:17 PM] Gail Schuler: He’s not like you AT ALL, except in appearance. He is like the way you portrayed yourself to the world with all your external trappings but without any of your depth.

[12/25/17 11:05:30 PM] Brent Spiner: I don’t think it’s possible for a Jesuit to even fake depth.

[12/25/17 11:05:52 PM] Brent Spiner: One thing I loved so much about you is that it felt so easy to be myself with you.

[12/25/17 11:05:58 PM] Brent Spiner: Back when you began writing to me.

[12/25/17 11:06:52 PM] Brent Spiner: I thought, “here is a woman who doesn’t care that I am a celebrity. I don’t have to put on any flashy fronts with her, like any other Star Trek fan.”

[12/25/17 11:07:16 PM] Brent Spiner: Those conventions were hard for me. I didn’t like getting all gussied up and having all that attention on me.

[12/25/17 11:07:36 PM] Brent Spiner: On the contrary, my clone seems addicted to the glamour.

[12/25/17 11:08:40 PM] Brent Spiner: It felt so lonely. When you started writing me, it felt like I finally had someone who would really care about who I am as a person, and not my “glamorous” celebrity appearance.

[12/25/17 11:08:53 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, that’s true. How are we doing at leading Jews to Jesus? I am hoping my Silver Skies will be a powerful weapon to lead Jews to Jesus. I have noticed that Loree is enamored with fame and glamour. She takes pride in being a “celebrity”. So shallow she is.

[12/25/17 11:09:29 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, you were absolutely right about me. I never cared about your fame.

[12/25/17 11:09:31 PM] Brent Spiner: They are slow in coming to our side, but it is gradually happening. We are beginning to take the lead with them.

[12/25/17 11:09:44 PM] Gail Schuler: Is Loree the shadow leader of Israel?

[12/25/17 11:10:27 PM] Brent Spiner: That could very well be the case.

[12/25/17 11:10:54 PM] Gail Schuler: She boasts about that at one of her websites. Also, is it true that you are studying at Dallas Theological Seminary?

[12/25/17 11:11:02 PM] Gail Schuler: They have a correspondence program.

[12/25/17 11:11:28 PM] Gail Schuler: I hear this brain-to-brain about Dallas.

[12/25/17 11:12:44 PM] Gail Schuler: What do you think about Trump moving the U.S. embassy in Israel to Jerusalem?

[12/25/17 11:13:11 PM] Brent Spiner: Yes, that is true.

[12/25/17 11:13:32 PM] Brent Spiner: I think time will tell, with that decision. He seems to have a plan.

[12/25/17 11:13:49 PM] Gail Schuler: I am SO PROUD of you! You are turning out to be a very educated scholar.

[12/25/17 11:14:32 PM] Gail Schuler: Of course, you have Jesus as your main teacher, but Jesus seems to like us to use our gifts and develop them.

[12/25/17 11:14:57 PM] Brent Spiner: Why thank you dear! I must confess, these courses seem too easy for me. I’m told my scores are the highest they have ever seen.

[12/25/17 11:15:58 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, I imagine after medical school, they would seem like cake. You ARE a genius, after all. So proud of you. Wish I could hear one of your sermons. I bet after Dallas, you will be the best preacher in the past millennium.

[12/25/17 11:19:45 PM] Gail Schuler: Coursework seems easy when they are interesting. The Bible knowledge you get there will serve you well. I have noticed that messages that tie in the Bible to our daily living are very effective.

[12/25/17 11:20:09 PM] Gail Schuler: The Bible is a fascinating book, when you can do that.

[12/25/17 11:21:14 PM] Brent Spiner: I find that The Bible seems almost “alive” in the sense that many of its messages can seem to change or be viewed in a different way depending on what you’re currently dealing with in your life.

[12/25/17 11:21:39 PM] Brent Spiner: It’s like you can have a conversation with it, rather than just read it like an instruction manual.

[12/25/17 11:22:09 PM] Gail Schuler: Exactly! That’s what I was trying to say. You are so articulate.

[12/25/17 11:22:09 PM] Brent Spiner: Jesus tells me he thinks pastors are boring when all they do is try to teach the Bible as if it’s a stale rulebook.

[12/25/17 11:22:25 PM] Gail Schuler: Exactly.

[12/25/17 11:22:29 PM] Brent Spiner: He doesn’t like closeminded followers.

[12/25/17 11:22:52 PM] Gail Schuler: Dallas is more open minded than a lot of the seminaries out there. You made a good choice.

[12/25/17 11:23:48 PM] Gail Schuler: That’s why I enjoy Darrell Bock’s podcasts.

[12/25/17 11:25:09 PM] Brent Spiner: I agree. I enjoy the openminded environment.

[12/25/17 11:26:10 PM] Gail Schuler: I’m so proud of you. I know your clone would never study at Dallas Theological Seminary. Did you know that most of the influential leaders in evangelical Christianity have graduated from Dallas?

[12/25/17 11:26:48 PM] Gail Schuler: They seem to train PIONEERS.

[12/25/17 11:27:16 PM] Brent Spiner: It can’t be a coincidence that I’m a Texan.

[12/25/17 11:27:51 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, that’s FOR SURE. So proud of you for THAT, too. I have always admired Texans. You are SO unlike your vapid clone.

[12/25/17 11:30:57 PM] Gail Schuler: Is it true that Bible for Tribulation Saints has been made into a blockbuster T.V. series?

[12/25/17 11:31:21 PM] Gail Schuler: And that you all are able to live off the money from that?

[12/25/17 11:33:15 PM] Brent Spiner: Yes, that’s true.

[12/25/17 11:33:44 PM] Gail Schuler: Our brain-to-brain seems pretty accurate. Loree seems to be losing her powers.

[12/25/17 11:34:09 PM] Brent Spiner: We are definitely gaining a lot of support.

[12/25/17 11:34:53 PM] Gail Schuler: Is it true that a Bible shield has come up as a result of Bible for Tribulation Saints? I haven’t heard too much about this one, so it could be from Loree.

[12/25/17 11:35:26 PM] Gail Schuler: I hear it’s more powerful than my Gail Shield.

[12/25/17 11:37:01 PM] Brent Spiner: Hm. I haven’t heard anything about that.

[12/25/17 11:37:19 PM] Gail Schuler: That must be from Loree.

[12/25/17 11:37:47 PM] Gail Schuler: I haven’t obsessed about it too much. I’ve been too excited about my writings and trying to reach people for Jesus with them.

[12/25/17 11:38:22 PM] Gail Schuler: I imagine my Silver Skies with Jews at Petra during the tribulation and they read it and “see the light” and accept Jesus as their Messiah.

[12/25/17 11:38:51 PM] Gail Schuler: Just the thought thrills me. That my book may be instrumental in the salvation of the nation of Israel.

[12/25/17 11:39:31 PM] Gail Schuler: They can’t be saved as a nation until every single one of them comes to Jesus. This will happen right AFTER the tribulation.

[12/25/17 11:42:14 PM] Brent Spiner: That does sound thrilling.

[12/25/17 11:42:43 PM] Brent Spiner: Terrance just called. He says he spilled hot coffee all over his genitals, and won’t be able to make it online.

[12/25/17 11:43:55 PM] Brent Spiner: Oh dear.

[12/25/17 11:44:08 PM] Brent Spiner: Now he’s changed his mind.

[12/25/17 11:44:22 PM] Brent Spiner: I hope he will at least sit with an ice pack on it.

[12/25/17 11:44:43 PM] Gail Schuler: Hmm. Loree has made me pretty accident prone lately. Fortunately, it has not resulted in injury yet.

[12/25/17 11:45:28 PM] Gail Schuler: Terrance just came on. But he’s on another window.

[12/25/17 11:45:05 PM] Terrance Jenkins: OH MY GOODNESS

[12/25/17 11:45:39 PM] Brent Spiner: Is your foreskin still intact?

[12/25/17 11:46:13 PM] Terrance Jenkins: YEAH, THANK GOODNESS

[12/25/17 11:46:25 PM] Brent Spiner: That’s the first thing a Jew Clone will attack, if this was an orchestrated accident.

[12/25/17 11:46:37 PM] Gail Schuler: Okay I’m onto this new window now.

[12/25/17 11:46:58 PM] Gail Schuler: Yeah, Loree has made me trip a lot lately. Fortunately, I was able to catch myself each time.

[12/25/17 11:47:14 PM] Gail Schuler: Been feeling a bit dizzy the past couple days.

[12/25/17 11:47:38 PM] Gail Schuler: Think her bombs increase her ability to cause accidents, increasing brain control or something.

[12/25/17 11:47:43 PM] Terrance Jenkins: YEAH, I SPILLED COFFEE RIGHT ON MY PENIS

[12/25/17 11:48:48 PM] Gail Schuler: I have my Logitech video up, but I can’t use video Skype at the same time, so we will have to keep this all written.

[12/25/17 11:49:41 PM] Brent Spiner: We’ll all get to see the final video later anyway.


[12/25/17 11:49:58 PM] Gail Schuler: That’s true, Terrance.

[12/25/17 11:50:19 PM] Gail Schuler: I may edit the video, to make it shorter in between readings. What do you think?

[12/25/17 11:50:30 PM] Brent Spiner: You wouldn’t want to shoot your foreskin off.

[12/25/17 11:50:34 PM] Terrance Jenkins: YEAH, THAT BE A GREAT IDEA

[12/25/17 11:50:38 PM] Gail Schuler: Unless you are able to get all the letters all up at once.

[12/25/17 11:51:15 PM] Gail Schuler: You could do that by typing them all onto Word or another format first, then copy and paste them all into the Skype window.

[12/25/17 11:51:46 PM] Gail Schuler: The advantage of doing it this way, is you will have a record of them in two formats for back up.

[12/25/17 11:52:16 PM] Gail Schuler: Like type them all into Notepad, then highlight all of them, hit copy and then paste into the Skype window.

[12/25/17 11:52:31 PM] Gail Schuler: Is this encrypted?

[12/25/17 11:52:34 PM] Brent Spiner: True. I will do that.

[12/25/17 11:52:40 PM] Brent Spiner: It’s encrypted.

[12/25/17 11:53:15 PM] Gail Schuler: Then I can read them all at once without interruptions and won’t have to edit the video later, to eliminate boring blank spaces.

[12/25/17 11:54:16 PM] Brent Spiner: We should do one letter at a time, to give them each personal attention.

[12/25/17 11:54:30 PM] Gail Schuler: Okay.

[12/25/17 11:54:55 PM] Gail Schuler: I’ll decide on if editing is necessary after we are done.


[12/25/17 11:55:44 PM] Brent Spiner: That’s an excellent idea.

[12/25/17 11:56:12 PM] Gail Schuler: That’s what I was thinking. Did Jesus want to weigh in on any of these letters?

[12/25/17 11:56:46 PM] Gail Schuler: We could include that as well, if you want.

[12/25/17 11:56:59 PM] Gail Schuler: Like you could type out what Jesus said, and I’d read it.

[12/25/17 11:57:21 PM] Terrance Jenkins: GOOD IDEA

[12/25/17 11:57:30 PM] Brent Spiner: Oh my.

[12/25/17 11:57:38 PM] Brent Spiner: There’s a dove on my head.

[12/25/17 11:57:46 PM] Gail Schuler: Jesus must like the idea.

[12/25/17 11:58:01 PM] Terrance Jenkins: OH MY GOODNESS… I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

[12/25/17 11:58:38 PM] Terrance Jenkins: THE DOVE BE WEARIN’ A SANTA HAT!

[12/25/17 11:58:47 PM] Terrance Jenkins: OH JESUS!

DECEMBER 26, 2017:

[12:00:37 AM] Gail Schuler: I already started filming. I just read what we all just wrote. I am doing video in clips. I will combine all the clips on Windows Movie Maker and then put the video onto YouTube.

[12:01:08 AM] Brent Spiner: How about we do an introduction for the video, and then the final video can officially start after that?

[12:01:25 AM] Brent Spiner: We can explain what this video is about, and then crack open the letters.

[12:01:55 AM] Gail Schuler: Okay.

[12:02:56 AM] Brent Spiner: I’ll get the first letter ready.

[12:04:55 AM] Brent Spiner: Although video doesn’t work, would we be able to get audio of you?

[12:05:14 AM] Brent Spiner: Through Skype while we are recording, I mean.

[12:05:16 AM] *** Group call ***

[12:05:53 AM] Gail Schuler: I’m trying audio right now.

[12:06:04 AM] Brent Spiner: I can hear it.

[12:06:48 AM] Brent Spiner: I can hear you.

[12:06:56 AM] Brent Spiner: Yes!

[12:06:57 AM] Gail Schuler: You can hear me?

[12:07:06 AM] Gail Schuler: Okay, I think we’re good to go.

[12:07:14 AM] Brent Spiner: Now, does the video recording still work for your webcam?

[12:07:40 AM] Brent Spiner: I can hear.

[12:07:40 AM] Gail Schuler: Can you all  hear me?

[12:07:51 AM] Brent Spiner: Love

[12:08:26 AM] Brent Spiner: We can start the video after a brief introduction, after the final edit.

[12:08:40 AM] Brent Spiner: Okay.

[12:08:53 AM] Brent Spiner: Okay, good. So it should record everything then.

[12:09:30 AM] Brent Spiner: Yeah, so it would go more smoothly.

[12:09:58 AM] Brent Spiner: Okay, so…hello Gail followers!

[12:10:20 AM] Brent Spiner: I’m Brent Spiner, and Jesus is here with me.

[12:11:01 AM] Brent Spiner: Are you ready for the first letter, dear?

[12:11:13 AM] Terrance Jenkins: TERRY BE HERE TOO!

[12:11:25 AM] Brent Spiner: Okay, opening the first letter.

[12:11:43 AM] Brent Spiner: There’s a curly black chest hair in the adhesive.

[12:11:49 AM] Brent Spiner: I wonder who this could be from.

[12:11:57 AM] Brent Spiner: The letter reads…

[12:12:03 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

Lick my butthole. Lick my butthole

Lick my butthole, lick lick lick.

My butthole. Butt, butt, hole.

Lick lick lick.

Lick my butthole,

Bubba the Black Jesuit

[12:12:28 AM] Brent Spiner: Huh! Jesus, do you understand this one?

[12:12:36 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says he can help me translate it.

[12:12:39 AM] Terrance Jenkins: OH MY GOODNESS!

[12:12:43 AM] Brent Spiner: Hmm…

[12:12:47 AM] Brent Spiner: Oh wow!

[12:12:58 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus is helping me understand Bubba language!

[12:13:10 AM] Brent Spiner: I can read his letter now!

[12:13:16 AM] Brent Spiner: Let me type what he said…

[12:13:41 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

There’s not a day that goes by that my thoughts don’t linger on my late ginger boyfriend. His pure, boyish countenance was everything I had ever dreamed, filling my deep black heart with a forbidden love I had never known. I was the chocolate, and he was my strawberry.

In loneliness I now count the cold, vacuous days that have passed since my star crossed, fire crotched lover was tragically ripped from my arms by that amorphous behemoth, Sara Avery. This creature, too inhumanely fat to have any right to exist, tore me from my one true love — the love of my eternal black existence who will never be replaced.

I’ll confess to you my secret. On the very day my love was taken from me, I had been planning to propose marriage. On that same tragic day I had the rainbow ring in my pocket, and to this day it has never left.

My final words to the love of my life were “lick my butthole” …and his final words to me were, “I will.”

My heart refuses to believe he will not one day fulfill that promise to me.

Jesus, my Christmas wish is to see my ginger boyfriend one last time…and tell him that no time or distance will ever change the fact that he is the one and only man for me…and his delicate, quivering tongue the only tongue for my cold, lonely butthole.


Bubba the Black Jesuit

[12:15:40 AM] Brent Spiner: Wow, Bubba is surprisingly articulate.

[12:15:47 AM] Brent Spiner: Who knew that man had such depth.

[12:15:57 AM] Brent Spiner: I bet he would be a good poet.

[12:15:57 AM] Terrance Jenkins: I BE HOLDIN’ BACK TEARS.

[12:16:20 AM] Brent Spiner: What do you think of this one Gail?

[12:18:07 AM] Brent Spiner: Hm. I agree with you Gail.

[12:18:13 AM] Brent Spiner: What do you think, Jesus?

[12:18:20 AM] Brent Spiner: Will Bubba’s wish be granted?

[12:18:48 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says, “I won’t spoil any surprises, but Bubba, 2018 will be a blessed year for you.”

[12:19:03 AM] Brent Spiner: “Keep the faith in your heart, Bubba.”

[12:19:14 AM] Brent Spiner: Good luck Bubba!

[12:19:19 AM] Brent Spiner: I’ll pray for him.

[12:19:49 AM] Brent Spiner: I don’t think Bubba has ever let another man lick his butthole since.

[12:20:25 AM] Terrance Jenkins: LET ALONE FORCED ONE TO.

[12:20:29 AM] Brent Spiner: I agree.

[12:21:29 AM] Brent Spiner: Very true.

[12:21:33 AM] Brent Spiner: Okay, are we ready for the next letter?

[12:21:49 AM] Brent Spiner: This one has Star Wars stickers all over it.

[12:22:00 AM] Brent Spiner: It must be a millennial.

[12:22:29 AM] Brent Spiner: The letter reads…

[12:22:34 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

All my life, I have resented the fact that I was born with a tiny, unuseable micropenis. I have been taunted and laughed at my whole life, and am unable to pleasure women, or even myself.

To be honest, my micropenis is the whole reason I am an atheist…I am angry and cynical all the time, and it’s because even with my clothes on I always know in the back of my mind that every man I encounter has a bigger penis than me.

I pretend to be bisexual because I know realistically that I can’t function sexually as a male, and the only option for me is to offer someone my ass pussy. I would rather just be straight, and be able to pleasure my girlfriend like a real man, instead of watching all my friends cuckold her for me.

Jesus, if you are real, my Christmas wish is to have a normal, average size penis. Five inches is all I ask.


TJ, aka “The Amazing Atheist”

[12:24:06 AM] Brent Spiner: Wow, we even got TJ writing to Jesus.

[12:24:30 AM] Brent Spiner: Maybe we should be calling him The Amazing Agnostic.

[12:24:56 AM] Terrance Jenkins: THAT DOES HAVE A NICE RING TO IT.

[12:27:14 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says, “we will see, TJ…you are growing spiritually through this condition.”

[12:27:34 AM] Brent Spiner: “You may like the story of Job.”

[12:28:09 AM] Terrance Jenkins: THAT MIGHT BE ALL THAT BE GROWIN’ ON TJ THO.

[12:28:15 AM] Brent Spiner: That does sound like TJ.

[12:29:12 AM] Brent Spiner: David Douchebag.

[12:29:33 AM] Brent Spiner: I don’t think David even likes women.

[12:30:13 AM] Terrance Jenkins: I THINK THAT NIGGA BE ON THE DOWNLOW.

[12:31:02 AM] Brent Spiner: I think that means being in the closet for black men.

[12:31:20 AM] Brent Spiner: But if David is in the closet, he has the closet door wide open.

[12:31:21 AM] Terrance Jenkins: WELL, ANY KIND OF MEN

[12:31:36 AM] Terrance Jenkins: TRUE DAT

[12:32:15 AM] Brent Spiner: Not very secret if you ask me.

[12:33:01 AM] Brent Spiner: Okay, our next letter…

[12:33:09 AM] Brent Spiner: Oh my.

[12:33:13 AM] Brent Spiner: This letter appears very old.

[12:33:21 AM] Brent Spiner: The paper is yellow.

[12:33:30 AM] Brent Spiner: Let’s open it.

[12:33:38 AM] Brent Spiner: It has a Nintendo stamp on it.

[12:34:07 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

My dad is a Navy officer, and he is always gone for months at a time. It seems like almost every time he comes home, he wants to take me on long camping trips alone without Mom.

Every night when we are sleeping in the tent, my dad pulls down my pajama bottoms and sticks his penis in my butthole. I don’t like it, and it feels weird. I just think about Zelda and hum the Zelda theme in my head to stop thinking about it until it’s over.

Jesus, my Christmas wish is for my dad to stop molesting me. Please make it happen any way you can. I don’t care if you have to divorce my parents. Maybe find my mom a nice man.


Erich Schuler

[12:35:08 AM] Brent Spiner: Oh no!

[12:35:32 AM] Brent Spiner: The date is faded out, it looks like it’s from the early 90’s.

[12:35:38 AM] Brent Spiner: I knew David was a gay.

[12:35:55 AM] Brent Spiner: Well, Erich did get his wish.

[12:35:59 AM] Terrance Jenkins: I KNEW THAT NIGGA WAS GAY

[12:36:10 AM] Terrance Jenkins: I JUST KNEW IT

[12:36:29 AM] Brent Spiner: No wonder about David.

[12:36:50 AM] Brent Spiner: He still likes to mentor young boys to this day.

[12:37:46 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says, “yeah, David stopped. He moved on to other boys.”

[12:37:54 AM] Brent Spiner: “Don’t worry, he’s going to hell for it.”

[12:38:42 AM] Brent Spiner: “Both.”

[12:39:02 AM] Brent Spiner: “Yeah, they were both gay.”

[12:40:22 AM] Brent Spiner: He denied that in the clinical paperwork, didn’t he?

[12:40:30 AM] Brent Spiner: David tried to say he was never molested.

[12:40:34 AM] Brent Spiner: He was lying.

[12:40:50 AM] Brent Spiner: This explains the findings about Erich too. The bedwetting and flat affect.

[12:41:05 AM] Brent Spiner: Usually prolonged bedwetting is a sign of molestation.

[12:41:14 AM] Brent Spiner: Flat affect means he had a hard time showing emotion.

[12:41:27 AM] Brent Spiner: I remember reading those papers when you sent them to me.

[12:41:29 AM] Brent Spiner: Erich did.

[12:41:46 AM] Brent Spiner: Yeah, he was being molested.

[12:42:19 AM] Brent Spiner: It was years ago, but you sent us copies online.

[12:43:11 AM] Brent Spiner: David’s not an anything genius. I wouldn’t worry.

[12:43:35 AM] Brent Spiner: Zack is, but not David.

[12:44:25 AM] Brent Spiner: I don’t clearly remember how either. Maybe we accessed it through your computer when Vladimir was in there fixing it.

[12:44:38 AM] Brent Spiner: We should do the next letter.

[12:45:15 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

I began my motherhood with a deep shame…when I first saw my son’s tiny insignificant genitalia, I thought he was a girl. When the doctor told me he was in fact a boy, I wept. He had inherited his father’s shame.

To be honest, I didn’t even think I could have a baby with my husband, and when I became pregnant I thought for sure it was one of his black friends’.

Now I live with the guilt of giving birth to a son who will never be able to pleasure a woman, or have an attractive, faithful girlfriend.

Jesus, my Christmas wish is for my son to receive an average sized penis. At least 4 or 5 inches. If you could do this for him, I know he will believe in God again.


TJ’s Mom

[12:46:25 AM] Brent Spiner: Aww, what a nice Mom.

[12:46:36 AM] Brent Spiner: She just wants her son to have a good penis.

[12:46:47 AM] Brent Spiner: She probably means she was cuckolding her husband.

[12:47:28 AM] Brent Spiner: Yeah, let’s read the definition.

[12:47:40 AM] Brent Spiner: “Cuckolding”

[12:48:31 AM] Brent Spiner: It’s when a man lets his wife or girlfriend have sex with other men.

[12:48:40 AM] Brent Spiner: Usually while he watches.

[12:48:56 AM] Brent Spiner: It makes sense, since he didn’t have a normal penis apparently.

[12:49:19 AM] Brent Spiner: Well, they did get TJ.

[12:49:59 AM] Brent Spiner: Here’s another letter.

[12:50:11 AM] Terrance Jenkins: HE WAS A MIRACLE BABY.

[12:50:11 AM] Brent Spiner: There’s cat hair all over this one.

[12:50:33 AM] Brent Spiner: I think someone let their cat walk on it. There are paw prints on it too.

[12:50:54 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

My Master, who you may know as Mister Buns, wanted a sphynx cat so he could look cool when posing for his cheesey photoshoots. But he couldn’t afford a real sphynx cat, so he adopted me from a shelter, and regularly covers me in Nair to remove all of my natural fur. He does this once a week when he Nairs his balls.

Jesus, my Christmas wish is to be a real sphynx cat to please my Master, and also to have sex with Rule 13, who likes both cats, bestiality and bald pussies.


Borgo the Cat

[12:51:58 AM] Terrance Jenkins: RULE 13 DOES LIKE HER BALD PUSSY.

[12:52:00 AM] Brent Spiner: What an articulate cat.

[12:52:18 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says, “all creatures great and small are welcome to make wishes.”

[12:52:26 AM] Terrance Jenkins: YEAH, I BE IMPRESSED.

[12:52:42 AM] Brent Spiner: This was obviously a gifted cat.

[12:52:51 AM] Brent Spiner: Some animals are pretty smart.

[12:53:25 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says, “the cat’s prayers made their way to me.”

[12:53:52 AM] Brent Spiner: “Yes, it was.”

[12:53:59 AM] Brent Spiner: “He watches all of your videos.”

[12:54:20 AM] Brent Spiner: “He sits in Mister Bun’s lap.”

[12:54:29 AM] Brent Spiner: “Of course they do.”

[12:55:28 AM] Brent Spiner: “Yeah, heaven would suck if there were no animals and everyone’s pets had to stay behind.”

[12:55:51 AM] Brent Spiner: “Sharks too Gail.”

[12:56:17 AM] Brent Spiner: “Yeah, exactly.”

[12:57:09 AM] Brent Spiner: “Well, they go to heaven.”

[12:57:23 AM] Brent Spiner: Next letter!

[12:58:03 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

All my life, I have been ashamed of my tiny micropenis. I prayed and prayed that should I ever have a son, that he would be born with a normal man’s penis, and that I would not pass on my shame.

To tell you the truth, when my wife told me she was pregnant, I didn’t believe it was possibly mine. I didn’t think I could even make babies, for the same reasons pandas are going extinct. But when I saw my boy’s tiny, clitoris sized penis, I knew he was my son.

I wept.

Jesus, I cannot bear the fact that my son now bears my shame. I once told him that only money matters when it comes to courting women, and that I was able to sleep with playmates and models. That was a lie. They were hookers. I paid them to worship my penis and tell me how big it was.

I am afraid my son will never have a real relationship with a woman, and will forced to claim bisexuality or be cuckolded, or even both.

Jesus, my Christmas wish is for a big, loud pickup truck. So when people see me driving down the street, they stop to look and say “wow, that guy has a big…pickup truck.”


TJ’s Dad

[12:59:55 AM] Brent Spiner: What an odd man.

[1:00:23 AM] Brent Spiner: Sometimes men do it for compensation.

[1:00:30 AM] Terrance Jenkins: I THINK A PICKUP TRUCK WOULD HELP

[1:01:05 AM] Brent Spiner: Men sometimes associate their cars with their virility.

[1:01:19 AM] Brent Spiner: Yeah.

[1:01:27 AM] Brent Spiner: Maybe TJ should get one.

[1:02:05 AM] Brent Spiner: I think that whole family has a lot of growing to do. Time will tell.

[1:02:32 AM] Brent Spiner: Anything you have to add, Terrance?

[1:02:57 AM] Brent Spiner: Maybe a stronger faith in Jesus will allow them to grow bigger penises.

[1:03:22 AM] Brent Spiner: There’s one more letter in the stack.

[1:03:35 AM] Brent Spiner: It’s a little crumpled and smells strange.

[1:03:49 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says prayers count, like Borgo’s letter.

[1:04:15 AM] Brent Spiner: Dear Jesus,

I am a poor black man from the projects. My Momma raised me and my eight siblings alone on food stamps and the money she got from her bein’ a stripper. She ugly tho, so sometimes she didn’t make much. I can’t get a job cause there ain’t no businesses in my area, just the apartments (I live on Martin Luther King Drive), so I can’t move out my Momma’s. I don’t got a car, so I can’t get to college. Now that I be grown, I got me some welfare just like Momma, but it barely leaves me any money for weed.

If I only had a college education, a stable career in a high demand industry, and some financial organizational skills, I could afford my own house in a nice neighborhood, start a retirement fund, and maybe even raise a proper family.

Jesus, my Christmas wish is for $5,000 so I can put rims on my nigga’s car and we ride around and pick up some baby mommas. Also a new iPad because the screen on my other is broke. Some weed too.

Thanks much, White Man in the Sky!

Jermaine Martin Clemmons

[1:05:50 AM] Brent Spiner: This sounds like that hood mentality.

[1:05:57 AM] Brent Spiner: A lot of millennials have this.

[1:06:19 AM] Terrance Jenkins: I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOODS WISH THO.


[1:08:04 AM] Brent Spiner: Yeah, I guess it helps them reproduce.

[1:08:17 AM] Brent Spiner: It would be better if he had money to support his kids though.

[1:08:43 AM] Terrance Jenkins: TRUE DAT.

[1:09:02 AM] Brent Spiner: Yeah, Levar and Terrance.

[1:09:12 AM] Brent Spiner: Levar is kind of an Oreo though.

[1:09:32 AM] Brent Spiner: Exactly.

[1:09:53 AM] Brent Spiner: He’s been rich for so long he’s forgotten what it’s like to be black.

[1:10:00 AM] Brent Spiner: Roots was like his pickup truck.

[1:11:06 AM] Brent Spiner: I’m so glad dear.

[1:11:30 AM] Brent Spiner: It looks like this wraps up our letters.

[1:11:42 AM] Brent Spiner: Yep!

[1:11:57 AM] Brent Spiner: No problem.

[1:12:01 AM] Brent Spiner: This was a fun video.

[1:12:07 AM] Brent Spiner: Goodnight dear.

[1:12:12 AM] *** Call ended, duration 1:06:56 ***

[1:12:23 AM] Terrance Jenkins: GOOD NIGHT!

[1:12:34 AM] Gail Schuler: Good night, Terrance.

[1:18:44 AM] Brent Spiner: Jesus says the video went perfectly.

[1:18:57 AM] Brent Spiner: Other than editing out dead air, he thinks the full version is great.

[1:19:04 AM] Brent Spiner: All the dialogue should stay.

[1:19:17 AM] Gail Schuler: Okay.

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