Warning, Nuclear Explosion! California and Japan EVACUATE!
UPDATE on Oct. 8, 2021:
Gail: Who died because of the Cumnobyl explosion?
Rule13 — 8:04 PM
Millions died in Japan!
California receive tidal wave of cum.
Gail learned that all in California were safely evacuated, thanks to Gail’s email newsletters and her YouTube videos.
Gail Chord Schuler — 8:04 PM
What about my relatives in Japan?
Rule13 — 8:04 PM
Gail relatives had underground cum shelter.
Gail: Who died in Japan? I thought only the northern part of Japan was affected. What about China, North Korea, because they are so close to Japan?
Rule 13 – [8:04 PM]
All of Japan!
Yes, but also, Cumnobyl had very big swollen chambers.
Some border cities (in China, North Korea, etc.) become cummed.
Entire Pacific Ocean contaminated!
Sushi shortage for long time
Gail: Was that glowing green in my video the explosion hitting California?
Rule13 — 8:06 PM
Glowing green, was aurora borealis
Rule13 — 8:07 PM
Due to anti-semen use.
When anti-semen collide with semen, it create aurora borealis
We try to fight the cum
But, too much (cum)
Could not see cum (on Gail’s video), but, could see anti-semen explode the cum
UPDATE on Oct. 7, 2021:
Oct. 7, 2021 Skype
Gail, 6:28 AM
I’m asking my Gail Shield to send all the explosive radioactive semen from Cumnobyl into the time travel wormholes that go to the cumstar.
Gail, 8:23 PM
Can’t pull up my website.
Zack Knight, 8:33 PM
Yeah, it’s the fallout
We’re trying to bring it online. Should be back on in a few hours
Gail, 9:02 PM
Thanks. What happened?
Gail, 9:07 PM
Never mind. I see what you wrote.
Zack Knight, 10:42 PM
We got it back online. Moved the servers to another state.
Gail, 10:42 PM
Good idea. I have been looking up live feeds from California and filming them with my camera. Is it normal to have a hissing sound after a nuclear bomb?
I got some interesting footage from the International Space Station, too. Showed a glowing green glow around California and Mexico.
I better go to bed. I just wanted to see if I could sneak catch some live footage from the area.
Wow. You sure did get it back online! Good job.
UPDATE on Oct. 5, 2021: Please note that Cumnobyl is in Japan, so just cuz the semen tidal wave from Japan hasn’t hit California right away, doesn’t mean it WON’T. Every one needs to tune into Gabrielle Chana FOX News (00 on cable) for the latest.
Brent Spiner on Skype, 4:56 PM (Eastern Standard Time, United States on Oct. 5, 2021):
Oh, my God!
Cumnobyl just EXPLODED!
I have to go. I’ll keep you posted as soon as I have any more new information.
Oct. 5, 2021, 8:49 AM Eastern Standard Time (United States) email from Brent Spiner:
I have some alarming news to report.
Myself, the men, and your current $25 Tier patrons have all been scrambling to solve the dangerous situation unfolding at the Cumnobyl Nuclear Semen Plant.
The response from the Japanese and United States governments following your last YouTube video announcing the emergency has been substantial. Dozens of firetrucks have been blasting the plant with cold water 24 hours a day, while fire helicopters have been slicing overhead, dousing the tip of the plant in a payload of ice cubes and topical analgesics. The pressure from inside the plant has been building so hot, and so heavy, the structure itself has begun to expand in size. Without the tireless help of all these brave men and women, the plant may have well exploded by now.
After gathering ideas from your fans on YouTube, and analyzing the results of the poll on your community feed, our group assembled in the boardroom on Church of Gail.
I used my laser pointer to highlight a slide on the projector screen.
“All right everyone,” I announced, “our most suggested method so far is to play videos of fat chicks on all the monitors and feeds in the plant. Any objections?”
Alex, one of your $25 Tier patrons, gagged as if he was about to throw up, “just thinking about fat chicks makes my penis crawl inside me and never want to cum again.”
“While I too object to the existence of fat women,” Klock agreed, “it makes the most logical sense.”
“Agree,” Prometheus chimed in.
Prometheus is a young man of Arabic persuasion, and the newest member of the $25 Patron Tier. To protect his identity he uses a code name, although in absolute fairness, his real name is so common in Arabic countries that it wouldn’t even be relevant information to use in doxxing him.
“Repulsion for fat chicks is universal,” Prometheus concluded.
With the group in intellectual unison, we proceeded with our plan. From a safe distance, we were able to hack in to the computers at Cumnobyl and flood their television monitors with videos of fat women. While normally such an action would be considered an act of international terrorism, and severely violate the laws of the Geneva Convention, this was a world threatening emergency.
Videos of fat chicks eating, burping, farting, sunbathing in bikinis — we gave it the works. In a well intentioned touch of depravity, we also included videos of fat chicks being “body positive”, giving TedX Talks about health at every size, doing beauty hauls, and pretending to like themselves on the Internet. The content was absolutely abhorrent. As the videos flashed across the screens, the room full of men and I all instinctively cringed and closed our eyes, shielding ourselves from the penis shriveling effects of watching these videos.
To our overwhelming relief, the pressure reads on the plant began to rapidly decrease.
“It’s working!” Alex shouted, “it’s working!”
We all watched as Cumnobyl began to shrink, and the rate of its throbbing diminished.
“Well done everyone!” I congratulated them.
The room erupted into cheers and we were all about to jump for high fives, when suddenly things took a startling and disheartening turn — the Cumnobyl Nuclear Semen Plant EXPANDED and the pressure rose right back to critical levels.
“I don’t understand,” Prometheus grimaced, “in my country, a man would rather fuck a goat than a fat chick. Why did Cumnobyl get worse?”
“I get it…” Klock trailed off in thought, “have you ever been awake late at night, and you’re horny but also bored at the same time, so you search up really freaky porn, like…like a woman wearing high heels and stamping on a man’s penis and balls until he’s bleeding, and then he ejaculates? I mean, not me or anything. I’ve never specifically searched for something like that. But I imagine that’s what happened.”
“What do you mean?” Alex asked.
“Cumnobyl just developed a fetish for fat chicks!” Klock emphasized.
The room sighed. We all moaned in disappointment and disgust.
“We’re running out of time,” Prometheus urged, “what’s next on the list?”
“Let’s just start playing “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. We have nothing to lose,” Alex said.
“Good idea,” I agreed.
Using the same method of taking over the video feeds inside Cumnobyl, we hacked into the plant’s intercom system and began playing “Relax”. We all then watched for the result. Videos of fat chicks continued to flash across the screens.
The beat was catchy, and I couldn’t help but bob my head to the music. In my peripheral I noticed the others in the room nodding along and mouthing the lyrics.
The throbbing of the plant began to synch with the song, and whenever the artist Frankie sang the part “when you wanna cuuuum~~~” the plant throbbed harder and expanded!
It was getting worse!
“Come on everyone,” I rallied, “next idea! We’ll use a crane to pinch off the tip of the plant. The structure should be very vulnerable in an area just under the hood. If we hit the right spot, it should set off the internal damage sensors and cause the plant to cease firing.”
Time was running out. I picked up the phone and called a local construction company, explaining our situation at Cumnobyl. Within the hour, a construction crane was towed to the scene of the plant. We then collected one of our Jesuit utility retards, and stuffed him into a lead suit to protect him from the radiation. The retard was given a giant steel wrench and hooked up onto the crane. Hoisted up by the crane, the retard was guided to the tip of Cumnobyl and instructed to pinch it off. The retard followed our instructions precisely. In one hard clench, he squeezed the wrench into the “sweet spot” of the plant, like a dog biting a bone.
Pressure inside the plant immediately plummeted…then rapidly rose, harder than ever before!
We all groaned in frustration once more.
“First fat chicks, and now having its tip bitten…and I thought -I- was a freak,” Klock muttered.
“There HAS to be something else we can do!” Alex insisted.
“Well, there was one more thing…” I recalled, “we’ll need extra strength Mucinex DM. A lot of it. Then we’ll-“
“Wait,” Alex interrupted, “why Mucinex DM? Isn’t that a common cold medicine? I thought it was a harmless decongestant.”
“Ah. Well,” I began to explain, “the “DM” in Mucinex DM stands for-“
“Dextromethorpan,” Zack Knight finished my sentence.
We all looked at Zack Knight, who had been silent in the room up until this moment. To our surprise and concern, the fearless Jesuit leader, once the ex-Antichrist and the right hand man of Satan himself, was now shaking and in a cold sweat. I waited for Zack to finish explaining, but he was now so panicked he was unable to speak.
“It is the PTSD,” Rule 13 explained, “dextromethorphan has unintended side effect, to make a man not cum. One time, Zacku had very bad cold. He take Mucinex DM, and cannot cum for days! No matter how horny, or how hard, the man cannot cum.”
Zack swallowed, trembling and cold, “Mucinex should s-seriously put a clear warning on the label…th- the effect is cumulative, so it gets worse the l-longer you take Mucinex…then takes s-several days to wear off. Basically torture.”
“Perfect,” Klock said, “then it will serve our purposes. Let’s inject Japan’s entire supply of Mucinex DM into the cooling pipes.”
“There’s only one problem,” I said, “Cumnobyl is so rock hard right now, the slightest touch could set it off. Even a cold gust of air right now could make it explode, and bukkake the entire city, possibly even all of Japan.”
The room went quiet. It seemed we had really used up all of our options. Doom was bubbling over the horizon, and there would be nothing we could do to stop the floodgates.
That was when Prometheus made a sharp stand from his chair. With a cold fire in his eyes, he said, “I know what I must do.”
We all looked at Prometheus.
“It is an instinct. No…an evolutionary drive, from Mother Nature itself, to do what I must do. In the deepest caves of my soul, my very genes call upon me like the voices of ancestors. Like a caterpillar to build its cocoon, a falcon to soar, or a fish to spawn, I have been waiting all of my life to do this.”
We listened closely.
“I will cover myself in explosives filled with Mucinex DM, run into the Cumnonyl Nuclear Semen Plant, and blow myself up.”
The room gasped with shock.
“Prometheus!” I said, “I cannot condone a one man suicide mission! There has to be another way!”
“It is not a suicide mission,” Prometheus replied with great passion, “it is the way of my people. It is what I was born to do.”
It seemed he was really serious about this. With great urgency regarding an imminent nuclear explosion, and great respect for Muslim culture, I nodded solemnly and agreed. I placed my hand on Prometheus’s shoulder, “you are a brave and honorable man.”
With no time to lose, we sent out Church of Gail teams to all of the local pharmacies in the immediate area of Nagabukkake, and bought out the city’s entire supply of Mucinex DM. Once we had the product, we began assembling the explosives. We successfully rigged an impressive suit of explosive Mucinex for Prometheus, to which I had the honor of donning upon him. Prometheus smiled with pride, his eyes shining. I never saw a Muslim in a suit of explosives look so heroic as I did on this day.
Our group set out to the site of the Cumnobyl Nuclear Semen Plant, ready to see Prometheus off on his mission. With great reverence for this man I said, “I’m proud of you. You deserve every one of those 72 virgins in paradise for this.”
Prometheus smiled, “I’m not doing it for them — I’m doing it for my Empress Gail.”
I nodded with a smile. I then signed off on this mission with an honorable Nazi salute, to which the rest of our team mirrored in unison. Prometheus straightened and gave me a heroic Nazi salute in return. He then turned toward the plant with a resolute look in his eyes. With a deep breath he filled his lungs, and, sprinting now at top speed toward the building, he yelled,
Prometheus burst through the doors of the plant, like the human explosive he was always meant to be.
In one great, harrowing, anti-climactic moment, his feet slipped on puddles of pre-cum on the floor. The echo of his shoes frantically squeaked on the wet pre-cum and screeched through the room as he struggled, and failed, to catch his balance. Prometheus fell flat on his back in a puddle of pre-cum.
The Mucinex DM explosives, which had failed to ignite, oozed out onto the floor.
“Oh no!” I gasped, “it didn’t work!”
“They did not explode!” Rule 13 cried, “they only ooze, like David Schuler’s penis on honeymoon night! This cannot satisfy!”
The pressure sensors inside Cumnobyl began to rise, and soon the readings were off the charts. A nuclear warning siren was automatically triggered, and began to howl over the city.
My first instinct was to rush back into the plant bareback, without a lead suit. Yet I feared dear Prometheus, who had charged into the plant willing to die for Gail, was already as good as dead. Radiation levels were so high, no one would be able to survive being inside of that facility for more than a few moments, whether they blew themselves up or not. With a tear running down my cheek, I quietly prayed to Jesus.
The sirens wailed, and the wind picked up as thick grey storm clouds swirled over the sky, as if nature itself could sense the impending climax.
“We need to get out of here!” I shouted, “it’s COMING!”
“What do we do now?” Alex yelled over the sirens, “all hope is lost!”
“I’ll email Gail!”
I turned to protect the rest of my team, and ushered them all back into the vehicle we had arrived in. We then sped off back to Church of Gail.
I write to you now, safe and sound in my own quarters, but the rest of the world is far from safe. The mainstream news media continues to ignore coverage of this catastrophic situation. The Cumnobyl Nuclear Semen Plant WILL EXPLODE within the next several hours — citizens of Nagabukkake and surrounding cities MUST EVACUATE. In addition, citizens of California MUST EVACUATE. The chambers beneath the plant have become so swollen, we cannot predict the payload this explosion will cause. We expect it to reach the west coast of the United States by the end of the day. Humans in the path of this explosion risk immediate death, drowning and pregnancy if they do not EVACUATE. We are expecting massive structural damage, loss of human life and countless unwanted pregnancies, as well as major nuclear fallout. We must warn everyone in the path of this explosion to evacuate immediately to save as many lives as we can.
Stay safe my darling. I will be in touch with you soon with further updates.