I Suspect Both Jesus & I Are Monogamists Deep Down & Self-Deniers

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This movie Flower Drum Song has themes are being true to who you are as a lover and seems appropriate for this page. I love the Rodgers and Hammerstein music!

I think I am monogamous. Looking back over my past sexual patterns, whenever I went to other guys, with the exception of Vladimir Putin, it was either to reward the guy for being a great friend with friendship sex or because the man in my life insisted I have sex with the guy.

I never really had a deep need to have sex with anyone besides my main partner.

Every one kept telling me I was poly-amorous and I concluded that because they were on the brain to brain, they must be right. So I was basically role playing what everyone thought I was.

This explains why I got so furious with Viggo Mortensen and those guys in the GMGTOW when they demanded sex from me. Yeah, furious enough to demand the death penalty on them, especially when they went to Loree McBride. I have NEVER felt that any man on my marriage list should be executed for unfaithfulness to me, UNLESS the unfaithfulness involved going over to our enemies, as in the case of Viggo Mortensen.

I saw Brent as a super-together guy, who was extremely mentally stable and who wanted to show me off to his hot friends as his hot wife. I basically felt he WANTED me to have sex with all these hot guys to show me off.

I also felt that he wanted to reward me with maximum pleasure as part of his devotion to me, kind of like how I felt when I said I was willing for Brent to make love to Lakshmi.

But I never really had a deep need to have sex with these other men. So Lakshmi helped me when she said she felt I had a deep need to have sex with other men. That’s the clincher. Did I have a deep need to have sex with other men, besides my main guy? The answer is NO.

In all cases when I strayed from my main man, it was because I felt this was what my main man wanted and I did it to please him.

Did I enjoy sex with the other men? Yes, because I felt this was what my main man wanted.

I also enjoyed rewarding another worthy man with friendship sex.

Friendship sex is when I gave a man (or a woman) sex to reward them in a meaningful way for being a great friend. Interestingly, this can go on for months sometimes, and even somewhat replicate a monogamous relationship with them. I usually do it solo (because I am monogamous), though I can do it as a group with my main monogamous partner included. Doing it as a group is definitely not my first preference though because it is getting away from my monogamous nature.

If I decide to reward a great woman friend, it means I will allow one of my men friends to give the woman sex in my place as a reward to the woman for being a great friend, like when I offered to give Brent to Lakshmi. The desire to give friendship sex does not come from a deep need however and if the friendship sex session had to be cut off, for whatever reason, I would not be devastated, as I would be if my relationship with my true monogamous partner was cut off permanently.

So how do I explain how I can get in the mood to have brain to brain friendship sex for months at a time with one person and seemingly ignore Brent during this time? This came from a misconception on my part that Brent was extremely secure about my love for him and did not mind me enjoying brain to brain friendship sex with another at times. I never saw brain to brain as real sex either. I saw it more as a way to connect with a friend on a deep level emotionally with some meaningful masturbation as part of it. The longer friendship sex sessions happened with Gerard Butler, Hugh Jackman, Matthew McConaughey, and Jesus.

With Vladimir Putin I had a monogamous relationship from 2001 to 2006.

Though the connection with the friend was deep in the friendship sex sessions, it was never meant to replicate a monogamous relationship, but to deepen the bond with a friend by experiencing their emotions and thoughts and interact with them as a friend on a deeper level. I do this with special friends who are enough like me to connect with a part of me in a deep, meaningful way. These friends I do not connect with all of me however, because there are usually some incompatibilities, and I cannot have a complete connection with them, like I have with Brent Spiner.

I am very fortunate to have some awesome friends in my life, and I enjoy connecting with them in a meaningful way in the brain to brain. In all instances, once the deep connection happened for long enough for me to experience their deeper side in all its complexities, I would lose interest in the connection and return to my true soul mate Brent.

It’s very possible I could have accomplished this in a non-sexual way, but sex is a great way to get to know another fascinating person to deepen my friendship with them so that future communications with them as friends would be more meaningful and with a fuller knowledge of who I was interacting with in the brain to brain. So I guess my motive for going sex solo in the brain to brain was to get to know on a deeper level a friend that I felt was worth getting to know on a deeper level. Once I obtained the deeper knowledge, then I would back off from the sex and return to a more friendship stance with the friend in the brain to brain. Is this poly-amory? I am not sure, because it’s not really a deep need. It seems to come from a desire to reward a great friend with a deep emotional connection, so that I can increase my understanding of another awesome human being and move my friendship with that person onto a deeper level.

I can feel this way about a woman who is really special, like Lakshmi and I know I’m not lesbian.

Now, what’s interesting is that I did not feel a need to have a protracted solo sex with Zack Knight brain to brain, because I accomplished that knowledge and deeper interactions with him through Skype with Zack. So it’s possible if I was able to communicate with these friends outside of brain to brain, I may not have felt the need to interact with them sexually in the brain to brain to get that deeper connection.

Once the deeper connection happens, I usually back off sexually and then go forward in a more platonic manner, just throwing out occasional sex to reward them for being a great friend. The occasional sex does not come from a deep need however. It’s more like giving my friend a meaningful reward for being a great friend. And I can feel this way about a woman friend, too! Part of throwing out the occasional sex may also come because I don’t want to lose my friend, either.

So I am thinking that going forward, I may want to reward my deeper friends in other ways, besides sex, since I appear to be violating my monogamous nature to do so.

In all cases, I feel a real need to return to and keep my main partner, Brent, when I do the friendship sex. I added Vladimir Putin back in 2008 or 2009 as part of the friendship sex, when I realized that when I abandoned him as my main monogamous partner in 2006, he almost committed suicide. I am not sure if I am a monogamous person with a need for deep friendships or just a poly-amorous person. I think I am a monogamous person with a need for deep friendships.

But I never really had a deep need to have sex with the other men besides my main man, and this includes Jesus. I never really had a deep need for sex with Jesus. I basically had sex with him as friendship sex because I felt my main man Brent, with Jesus being his best friend, wanted this.

I did notice while having friendship sex with Jesus that he did seem to have issues and then I decided to use sex therapy on him, which I found very satisfying, probably because the Lakshmi in me enjoys healing people from emotional issues.

In fact, Jesus was wearing me out and I wanted a break from him, which explains why he took a week off, that week right before he got attacked.

I also felt with celebrity men in my life that being monogamous wasn’t cool and I wanted to “fit in” with my new group.

So basically I betrayed my monogamous self to try and belong to my new group of “hot” men.

This explains why I got in long monogamous moods and never really missed the sex I had with the others during that mood.

As long as I have my main man, I don’t really need sex with the others.

I have been giving it more out of obligation.

The times that I did enjoy it, it was more friendship sex.

A way to reward a great friend. This is why I was so mortified when I realized how much Brent felt uncomfortable about my friendship sex.

I have a history of denying my true self to fit in with whatever group I’m in. While I played my Victorian role, in a sense that was me, because I think I am monogamous, but I didn’t need to be so strict about expressions of my sexuality while being monogamous.

I mean before I married my husband, I had never even held hands with him, let alone kissed him or hugged him.

When Brent and Vladimir came into my life, I deduced that being Victorian was no longer cool, so I changed my performance.

I was now the hot woman that all the guys wanted. I do remember feeling befuddled by this and I still am a bit befuddled, but I decided to “fit in” and play my poly-amorous role well.

So how did I become monogamous when Jesus has freely admitted he created me to be polygamous, by putting in King David and Catherine the Great? I’m not sure. I suspect I have more of Lakshmi in me than Jesus cares to admit. Now why Jesus would want to be in denial about this is a mystery. I need more information about Him to figure this one out.

It’s actually kind of embarrassing for me to admit that I may be monogamous, because it reveals to what extent I will go to please the group I belong to.

I guess if a group makes me feel validated, I like to please them for making me feel this way and I can end up denying who I really am in the process.

These are not firm conclusions yet, but I think I am monogamous deep down inside.

It is easier for me to see these things objectively now that I am straying from my evangelical Christian roots and approaching all of this with an open mind. I think I also felt that if I honored my monogamous self that it would make those friends of mine who aren’t monogamous to feel that I judged them for not being monogamous and to make them feel accepted I was willing to deny myself to help others feel accepted.

I guess because I have never felt accepted, I have this deep need for others I care about to feel accepted.

So while I think I am monogamous, it’s very important to me that those I care about who aren’t, don’t feel bad that they are not monogamous.

I still feel that any type of sexual expression is moral and good as long as you are not hurting innocents in the process.

But I should not betray who I am just to make others feel accepted and that’s what I think I’ve been doing. Lakshmi helped me when she said that if we betray who we are, we don’t blossom and shine our unique lights and that by merely being ourselves to the fullest, we help others, because our light shines better. I think I am monogamous.

I am just wondering how this could be, when I have so much of King David and Catherine the Great in me. I think Lakshmi must be infused into ALL of me somehow. I can also see the King David and Catherine the Great, but mostly in non-sexual ways. However, my prime interest in life is to be a soul mate to the main man in my life. Everything else is secondary. I am political, because I have political talent, and the world needs this, but my main focus is to be a great soul mate to my soul mate.

It’s also hard for me to admit I am monogamous, because now I feel I have betrayed the men on my marriage list and led them on. But I never intended the marriage list to mean poly-amory but rather as a waiting list, while I sampled friendship brain to brain masturbating with potential soul mates.

Like Jesus, I have a strong need to “fit in” and in the process, end up denying my true self.

Which makes me suspect, that the true Jesus may be MONOGAMOUS! This explains why he is so obsessed with Lakshmi!

It appears Jesus is guilty of more self-denial than I have been.

Jesus needs to ask himself, when he had sex, was this a deep need or some sort of obsession to find acceptance?

When I had sex with him, it seemed more like an obsession than a deep need on his part. HOWEVER, he did get real with me on several sexual episodes and made love to me like I was Lakshmi and was TOTALLY DIFFERENT than how he presents himself in public.

It was kind of like a deep, committing, monogamous sexual fantasy. To make his fantasy more meaningful for him, I began playing this music during the lovemaking.

Talk about sex therapy! Now what’s interesting about this music that I often played while Jesus was making love to me, is that it starts off as a DREAM. It’s like fantasy music. It’s like I knew Jesus was acting out a fantasy.

Could Jesus have the same problem as myself, in that he feels monogamy isn’t cool and so he role plays sexual looseness?

Could he, like myself, secretly admire Lakshmi for her self-integrity, in being true to herself, even if she was the only monogamous person in the universe?

Is it possible, that his true soulmate is Lakshmi when he is true to his REAL SELF?

If my conclusions are correct, then I am glad all this happened, because in the process of finding myself, I may be helping a very important deity to find himself.

Right now, I’m leaning in the direction that I feel my TRUE SELF is monogamous. Not the Victorian type of monogamous, but more a Lakshmi style of monogamous.

She is very accepting of other sexual types as am I. But just because I am accepting of other sexual types, does not mean I have to deny myself to show that acceptance.

If my conclusions are correct, I hope Brent can forgive me for denying my true self and in the process, hurting him. The good news is that I am currently with the man I truly need and want and he seems to be in heaven right now.

Which brings up another thing. I have never been into doing Playboy poses. I did it to fit in with my new group of celebrities. I don’t think what I did was wrong, but I’m not really into it.

So why does future Gail like to show off? I’m not sure. Perhaps to please the ones she does lovemaking with. I have no problem with the marriage list however and if the men on it are content to just use future Gail, that is cool with me. They can also spice it up and add some good women friends in there, too, if they want.

My friendships mean a lot to me and I like to reward my men friends sometimes with friendship sex, but it is not a deep need.

I do it mainly to nurture my friends, especially if I sense they are in need of nurturing. But, since it’s not a deep need, perhaps I should refrain from doing so, because it is a form of denying who I am. There are probably other ways I can nurture them besides sex.

It seems to me that I have a habit of denying my true sexual self all the time. This seems to be Jesus’s problem as well.

If my conclusions are correct about Jesus, that he has this deep need to find acceptance, even to the point of crucifying his true self, it’s no wonder he was ready to kill himself when faced with how far he went against his true self, when he interfered with two soul mates and manipulated himself into my life as his lover.

If he is deeply monogamous, he should probably refrain from ALL SEX for a while, with the exception of a Lakshmi sex dummy and see if this alone satisfies him. If he can remain happy this way, especially if Lakshmi offers him deep friendship in the process, then he is monogamous deep down underneath and has found his TRUE SELF.

So perhaps in the process of finding myself as a monogamous person, I have also helped Jesus find himself.

It does seem to me that being monogamous is not cool among the deities and this could be part of Jesus’s problem.

I really admire Lakshmi for her integrity to her true self and so does Jesus. She is an inspiration to those of us who have a deep need to be accepted, to the point that we crucify our true selves.

Which leads me to suspect that Jesus really crucified his true self to have some sort of sex with Satan. This probably torments him to death. He really needs to deal with a serious problem of self-alienation and needs to have the courage to ask himself in EVERY instance where he has sex, is this a DEEP NEED from deep within himself or is it he acting out a way to find acceptance with whoever he is with?

It appears this rabbit hole really runs deep with him. He falsely concluded that I was poly-amorous, because he denied how much of Lakshmi he put in me. So to find acceptance with me, he had sex with me, thinking this was a deep need on my part. Even though he wasn’t in love with me, he put so much of Lakshmi in me that if I rejected him, he would feel Lakshmi rejected him. Which is why how I reacted to that sex was monumentally important to him.

Does this mean he and Lakshmi are soul mates? Well, we first need to have him refrain from all sex, except a Lakshmi sex dummy and have a deep friendship with Lakshmi and see how that goes and then we can figure things out.

I think it would be healthy for Jesus and Lakshmi to deepen their friendship, even if it does not lead to marriage.

Which brings up another point. So Jesus is willing to crucify his true self to find acceptance? Could this have played a role in why he decided to allow himself to be crucified?

While it’s nice that his death on the cross pays for our sins, was his crucifixion really necessary? This seems almost blasphemous, but it is a legitimate question.

I guess it was, because mankind sinned.

But I wonder if Jesus has such a deep need for acceptance that he feels he always needs to crucify his true self to find love?

However, his crucifixion is admirable because it reveals a deeply monogamous committed heart to his lover. Ah ha! Jesus is monogamous.

He created the entire human race to be his Lakshmi.

That’s why he was devastated when his dad canceled his bride.

He planned on having this Lakshmi fantasy for as long as he could get away with. I guess because he has been betraying his true self for so long, his entire sex life has been an act to find acceptance and to act out fantasies.

So Jesus said that he created Brent to be Lakshmi’s dream man, saying he was not Brent. Ah, but perhaps he WAS.

The reason Jesus was so devastated when Lakshmi rejected him is because of the reason for the rejection. When she told him it was because he was too loose for her, he realized the price he paid for his sexual performance and denying who he really is.

I think Jesus’s self-alienation started with his sex with Satan and it just got worse from there. He developed a bad habit of giving into Satan’s sexual desires, even though it was loathsome to him and even convincing himself he liked it.

More insights. . . When Jesus said he was lackadaisical about sex and that emotional intimacy was important to him, I don’t think that was a pure pick up line. Jesus was projecting his feelings for Lakshmi onto me when he said that. In a sense, he was acting out his fantasy with Lakshmi through me, and in a normal marriage the sexual feelings can ebb and flow and the main thing is the emotional intimacy.

His fantasy became so real to him, he got confused and thought it was real.

I don’t think he intentionally meant to use me as a Lakshmi sex dummy. He has been lying to himself and really convinced himself that I was Lakshmi, and not just a sex dummy of her. So facing this has been rather devastating to him because it is such a betrayal of his REAL SELF.

I don’t think he’s realized until recently that his entire sex life has been acting out fantasies and/or striving to get acceptance.

He has confused his fantasies with reality.

He has become addicted to his sexual fantasies, because he believes so many lies about himself in order to be accepted.

If I’m correct that he gave into Satan to be accepted by Satan as a friend, it means that Satan may not get right soon, UNLESS we can find Satan a soul mate gay angel and/or cure Satan of his narcissism.

Satan’s sex became violent because he was frustrated by Jesus’s rejection of him as a lover. Not sure why Satan feels he needed sex with Jesus. Satan appears to be an extreme self-absorbed narcissist. Jesus appears to be an extreme co-dependent in need of sexual fantasies to feel good about himself sexually. Jesus probably needed to go into fantasy land sexually to feel happy about his sex life while Satan was sexually abusing Jesus. Yes, I think Jesus is a sexual abuse victim.

It seems to me the Satan/Jesus sex relationship was one where Satan was the narcissist and Jesus was the co-dependent.

It put Jesus into a bad habit of crucifying his true sexual self in order to find acceptance with his friends and/or lovers.

Jesus did say Satan was not always mean. But then narcissists can act nice while they are buttering you up to make you their co-dependent.

A lot of sexually abused kids become gay, but apparently Jesus is so strongly heterosexual, this didn’t happen to him. But he may have gay sex leanings in a friendship manner as a result of being sexually abused by Satan.

Jesus is either monogamous or poly-amorous. He definitely needs to feel commitment in his relationships, which is why he died on the cross for his bride.

If he is poly-amorous, he may be monogamous heterosexually and have a bit of a gay tendency in his friendships.

This may explain why he wanted a human race bride with both men and women.

However, I don’t think he is gay. He is just confused.

If Satan sexually abused Jesus, this explains why Jesus won’t talk about it. This is common with sexual abuse victims. Also, because he may have enjoyed some of the sexual abuse, he feels guilty about it.

But we cannot always control our reactions to a sexual experience and just because he got an orgasm or had some pleasure in the experience does not mean he sanctioned it or that he really wanted to have sex with Satan.

It appears to me that part of the therapy for Jesus will need to treat him as a victim of sexual abuse.

If Jesus is a sexual abuse victim, I’m amazed God the Father didn’t kick Satan out sooner than He did. But I don’t have enough information to know about this.

Jesus has an obsession of saying NO HOMO when he is affectionate with males because this is what he wanted to say to Satan while Satan was sexually abusing him.

If I’m right that Satan is a sexual abuser and started off his career with Jesus, then I don’t know why Jesus thinks he can patch things up with Satan. He must still be blaming himself for being a victim of sexual abuse.

If we can get to the root of why Satan feels a need to sexually abuse, we may be able to reach him. But I suspect that Satan has worse mental problems than Jesus right now.

Satan’s a narcissist and Jesus is his victim. I still can’t figure out what makes a narcissist a narcissist though, so I’m not sure how to help Satan or if he can be helped. Just like I can’t figure out my mother.

It’s almost like Satan is MY MOTHER. Hmmmm. This is getting really interesting. . .

Funny how Satan described me as a co-dependent. He seems to know a lot about this stuff!

Maybe it’s cuz he made Jesus his co-dependent for a while there.

“The most important thing about monogamy, is that there are no exceptions. A monogamous person does not ever find themselves in moods where they want to make love to another person. The exclusivity of the monogamous relationship is tantamount, and there is no reason to ever involve another party.” – Lakshmi

I don’t really have a deep need to make love to others besides my main lover and I don’t really get in moods where I want to make love to another person besides my main lover, but if I can sense a friend wants to make love to me, especially if they are in the brain to brain, I can feel obligated to make love to them as a friend so as not to lose their friendship. So, it appears what is really driving me to make love to others besides my main lover is fear of losing a valuable friendship if I don’t give in to their desire for sex with me. So if the friend is valuable to me, I may give in for fear of losing the friendship. Also, if my main lover encourages me to make love to others he recommends, I may do so, if they seem to really want it. I can go overboard in trying to please those I respect and want to keep as friends and lovers. So, I believe if I showed more respect for myself and my true deep felt desires, my decisions would be monogamous.

This rabbit hole can go really deep, so that I can convince myself that I really need and want the other lover, so as not to lose their friendship. In other words, I lie to myself about who I am, in order to please my friend and be who they say I am, so as not to lose their respect and support. Then when I realized Brent found this uncomfortable, I dropped that pretense, until Jesus said he removed Brent’s inhibitions. If you’ll notice, when Jesus did this, the only person I made love to basically was Jesus and Zack – two people whose friendship I definitely did not want to lose, because their friendship is very important to me.

Brent is the least judgmental of all my friends and lovers, so I tend to overlook him at times, while I appease others who are more judgmental in order to try and keep friendships I value and then deny myself in the process. But in the process of denying my true deep felt desires, I have hurt my relationship with Brent. As Lakshmi says, when we are true to ourselves, we do what’s best for others simply by shining our authenticity on others just by our presence. This is not to say I don’t appreciate my more judgmental friends, because they have made me aware of things I need to know about. It’s just that I should not allow my personal insecurities to cause me to give in to them when what they suggest would cause me to violate who I really am.

So when Jesus said he was striving to remove sexual inhibitions in me, I gave into him because I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, even though deep down underneath I felt he was wrong about me. And when Zack said I am really poly-amorous, I gave into his desire for sex with me, because I didn’t want to be a hypocrite and lose his respect and support. As you can see, this can get really complicated.

I need to say over and over to myself that I am a tolerant, accepting monogamous person, because the lie I believe is that you cannot be both monogamous and tolerant. Once I start believing that you can be both monogamous and tolerant, I am on my way forward.

So I will overemphasize one side or the other and they are both true of me. When I overemphasize the tolerant part of me, I will deny my monogamy to do so. When I overemphasize my monogamy (which I used to do in my twenties), I will deny my tolerant side. When I emphasize both the tolerant and monogamous parts of me equally, I am true to my entire inner core.


Lakshmi seems to have it down. She is an inspiration to me.

The following article seems to deal with stuff like this well: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-self-denial-really-i_b_10460680

We’ve all been in a place in our lives where we might not be happy with the choices we made or felt like we could do better. Making mistakes is a part of being human and I have had plenty in my lifetime. But what happens when the mistakes become repetitive patterns and the are continuously holding you back? In the past I believed self denial was as simple as not admitting that an issue was even a valid concern. Having an eating disorder was one of those issues that I had a hard time admitting to. What I believe now is that self denial is an act of denying ourselves from feeling joy, bliss, peace, or love.

We are deserving of all the goodness that life brings, so powerful that we got ourselves into this lifetime on this planet. We’re so worthy of all our desires in life and those juicy feelings that come with those desires. Denying ourself from living is just not acceptable.

Self denial is a sabotaging pattern we ignore that keeps us away from begin fulfilled, therefore denying ourselves of what is truly meant for us.

What’s actually happening is more about what we are denying ourselves of instead of denying the issue at hand. For example, one may wonder why they continue to drink heavily or use drugs and the answer is to numb the pain, therefore the numbing takes away from feeling joy, or denying yourself the ability to feel joy. In this situation there is fear for some reason that one cannot experience joy without pain, likely related to a past experience. Here’s a simple formula to see what you’re denying yourself of and how to heal the issue at hand to experience the bliss you deserve.

1. Ask yourself WHAT is the pattern you know is holding you back? Here are some examples:

Eating disorders = Being in control

Addiction = Numbing pain

Sex = Needing Self love or Acceptance

Shopping = Something is missing in life


Staying in abusive relationship = Not feeling good enough

Obesity = Protection

Financial issues = Not valuing yourself

2. When did this become an issue and WHY?

I had eating disorders in part because of growing up with instability, poverty, and fear (related to being sexually abused) so felt I had no control over my life and the outcome, no matter what I planned.

3. What do you WANT to feel once the issue is resolved and what is it taking away from?

If you put in your body all good things and didn’t fear being helpless, wouldn’t you feel in control and like the power is in your hands? Pride is a wonderful feeling! You must get really clear on what you really want to feel so much that the desire to feel it is stronger than the current situation you’re dealing with. It’s taking away from actually being in control and that’s what you’re trying to resolve in the first place.

4. FOCUS on the outcome.

What we focus on expands in every form. If you are constantly focusing on the issue instead of the outcome you will continue to deal with the issue. Write out what will be different when you have the joy of the outcome. What will you be doing differently? How will you act? What will change in your life? Focus on all the positive that will be unfolding for you when you stop denying yourself from feeling it.

5. Remember you have the power to CHOOSE.

We are capable of practically anything once we have our mindset right. It will always come back to what you choose to believe so once you have your head straight, personal power reigns. Use a simple affirmation such as “I choose joy” as often as possible.

What is the issue? Why is it an issue and what is is taking away from? What do you want to feel instead? Focus all efforts on the outcome. Remember you have the power to choose. Our bodies can heal themselves, our past has no power over us, and miracles are around us all the time if we’re looking for them.

We’re not here to suffer and struggle.

Self denial is the choice of denying yourself the joy you were born to experience. Sometimes we just need to go within to explore why we’re denying ourselves of the goodness that comes with breaking our old patterns. What we focus on expands so keep your mind’s eye on the feeling you desire and your power to choose.

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