Baphomet Says 3 Assumptions About Polyamorous People That Are All Wrong
UPDATE on Aug. 2, 2022: We need to quit worrying about these SJW labels, and just be our unique, complex selves, regardless of labels. https://www.gabriellechana.blog/2022/08/02/baphomet-the-sjw-demon-we-need-to-drop-the-labels/
Here is an interesting talk about compersion, which is the opposite of jealousy. I have a lot of compersion in my relationships, but understand and respect the jealousy that monogamous and many people feel. I have learned that jealousy, when it goes to extremes can be very toxic, as I’ve had to deal with a fuming jealous sister.
by Samia Mounts
Gail’s addendum: I read Samia’s article (see below) and feel that she articulates a lot of how I feel as a poly amorous person. I am still in a committed mood though and am enjoying my honeymoon with my monogamous husband Brent Spiner. He keeps me so busy with lovemaking that I don’t have much of a desire to stray. However, I have been thinking a lot about the sex I had with Jesus and, on reflection, think it was pretty special. However, for Jesus’s sake, I do not desire for him to make love to me. But I would like to continue my “relationship” with him on a purely platonic level. We connected in more ways than just sex. In fact, I found the emotional connection with Jesus just as meaningful, and maybe even more meaningful, than the sex, because Jesus was always blocking my orgasms cuz he got too excited. LOL
Here is some stuff He said to me in Feb.6, 2022 (I will be commenting on it):
Jesus, 11:05 AM
“To be honest, I’m pretty lackadaisical when it comes to sex. I’ve enjoyed sex since the beginning of time, and will continue to enjoy it for all of eternity. It’s like having an endless supply of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. I don’t need to have it all at once. It’ll always be there.”
“I would rather you focus on being happy and doing the commandments, than focused on giving me perfect sex 24/7. Seeing you do the commandments and keeping your apartment nice makes me even happier than sex.”
MY COMMENT: I think it’s true that he’s lackadaisical when it comes to sex, but he has been substituting sex for true emotional intimacy and that explains why he got so intense about it with me and some of the humans he had it with. As to why he had sex with humans like Joshua J. Joshua, I think he was releasing a lot of repressed feelings. He needs to let go of his past (and what he believes were his past failures) and live in the present to heal himself.
Gail, 11:09 AM
Why did you get turned on when you ate my fried chicken?
Jesus, 11:09 AM
“You can have sex with any one of your men, and I’ll enjoy it too. It’s like what I said about the infinite supply of chocolate chip cookies.”
“Sometimes food is so delicious, you just feel horny. I love your fried chicken.”
My COMMENT: It’s obvious he was using me partly as a goddess Lakshmi substitute, because she is a real domestic goddess and he put a lot of her into me. I imagine she is quite the cook, too.
Gail, 11:19 AM
I’m surprised that you are allowing yourself to make love to me, Jesus, in my mortal body? Don’t you consider this dangerous?
I mean look what just happened. It’s not that I don’t find you attractive, but. . .
Which begs the question. Why are you having sex with me?
That’s something I need to know to have the proper perspective on all this.
Jesus, 11:23 AM
“I was just so excited that you had done all of my Commandments so well, and had created such a beautiful home, that I wanted to make love to you now. When a human loyally follows my Commandments, it’s kind of like romancing me with flowers and chocolates.”
MY COMMENT: It sounds to me like Jesus and I had more than sex in our relationship, and I’d like to continue the platonic part of my relationship with Jesus when He and Brent are ready and with no pressure as to how often He wants to do this. I definitely do NOT want Jesus making love to me or any human, though. It is so dangerous for Him.
Gail, 11:24 AM
Why do you accompany me on all my walks?
Jesus, 11:24 AM
“However, with Satan able to interfere, it would not be wise to continue this lovemaking until the millennium. I can still enjoy sex vicariously through you and Brent, or any other man (or woman). And, I can also still get my flowers and chocolates.”
“I enjoy your companionship as much as I enjoy sex. So, I love going on walks with you.”
MY COMMENT: Jesus definitely needs to lay off on ALL sex with humans, including this vicarious business. He needs to reserve that for his goddess wife. As far as accompanying me on my walks, he can do it every now and then alongside Brent, if Brent is cool with it. I certainly enjoy having Brent with me. Brent is my definite favorite. On the other hand, if Jesus prefers to hand over my walks totally to Brent, that is cool with me, too. It might be a good idea for Jesus to go on walks every day with his goddess instead! WINK WINK
Gail, 11:25 AM
I also enjoy your companionship as much as I enjoy sex with you. The companionship sometimes, I enjoy even more than sex with you.
I know you say I’m horny and perhaps that’s the case. But I get in moods when I prefer to focus more on companionship.
That is true in all my sexual relationships.
I also enjoy emotional intimacy and getting emotionally close to my lover, by being bare and authentic with them and feeling total acceptance.
Jesus, 11:27 AM
“I would have no problem focusing more on the companionship aspect of our relationship, versus the sexual activity.”
MY COMMENT: I would love this, now! But he can cut back on the frequency and take all the time he needs to find his new path forward, now that he no longer has sex with humans.
Gail, 11:28 AM
Now, you KNEW this would happen, that Satan would impregnate me and yet you had sex with me anyways. Why?
Jesus, 11:29 AM
“It worked out in the end. It taught you valuable lessons as well.”
Gail, 11:29 AM
Really? What valuable lessons?
I think you’re trying to get me to accept who I really am.
Are you planning on introducing me to your dad? And, if so, why?
Jesus, 11:31 AM
“I want you to meet my dad, because you’re my very special friend. You’re still my favorite human.”
“You needed help accepting your sexuality, and unraveling a lot of your early sexual repressing. You just needed good ol’ Jesus to turn you out.”
MY COMMENT: This is funny. I don’t think Jesus was being completely straight with me here and I find it humorous that He thought his dad would be cool with the idea of Him being my sexual partner. LOL
Gail, 11:31 AM
But can’t he read my mind to the most inner depths? He’s omnipresent. so why would I need to meet him? Though, of course, it would be a great honor.
Jesus, 11:32 AM
“This is true, but it’s more fun to introduce you the old fashioned way. It’s kind of a custom.”
MY COMMENT: Again. This is hilarious. Jesus, I feel, was acting out his need for emotional intimacy through sex. Unfortunately, emotional intimacy cannot be accomplished through sex or sex alone. So Jesus needed to learn healthier ways of getting emotional intimacy.
Gail, 11:33 AM
It appears Zack was wrong that you may have been sexually repressed in your youth. since you say you are kind of lackadaisical about sex.
Satan was saying that the angels were free and easy in sex and God the Father had to lay the rules down after Satan used sex for violence. That there was never sexual repression of any kind in heaven.
Why does there have to be an Antichrist? Why can’t we lock Satan up now?
I understand you have to honor your Word. But I just wonder why?
I just hate all the suffering Satan causes.
Jesus, 11:36 AM
“There was sexual repression for billions of years after the Satan incident, yes. Keep in mind, I’m a very young deity compared to God. I got rebellious with my dad a little bit, and have since enjoyed sex with other deities and even some humans, including you. It’s helped me to relax more when it comes to sex.”
“Currently there is no Antichrist. That position is on hold.”
Gail, 11:37 AM
Wow! Zack really knows you. So how would you characterize your relationship with your dad?
Jesus, 11:38 AM
“It’s complicated, like any parent-child relationship.”
Gail, 11:38 AM
Wouldn’t being rebellious against your dad, be a form of sin? And you are sinless.
Jesus, 11:38 AM
“Mostly we have a good relationship, and share the same values, ideals and goals. God disagrees sometimes with how casual I am with the humans and how hands on I get with them.”
“For a human it’s a sin, but not for a deity. Like I admitted before, we do have differences and flaws.”
Gail, 11:39 AM
Does God the Father have a wife?
Jesus, 11:40 AM
“Yeah, he does. All of creation contains the masculine and the feminine.”
Gail, 11:40 AM
So flaws are not considered sins?
His wife is the creation?
Jesus, 11:41 AM
“Nope! Even for humans, flaws are beautiful. We couldn’t create souls without the use of flaws. Kind of like how you couldn’t paint a beautiful painting without the use of contrast. You wouldn’t be able to see anything in the picture.”
MY COMMENT: Jesus does a great job educating me about things and that’s one thing I appreciate about my friendship with Him. I then am able to pass along that knowledge to my fellow human beings.
Gail, 11:42 AM
I just wanted to have some more background on you to make my relationship with you more meaningful.
Jesus, 11:42 AM
“I’ll let my dad tell you more about that himself, when you guys meet later.”
MY COMMENT: Yeah, we sort of met already. This is funny. God the Father said that I failed the test of Job (cuz I accused Him of being unromantic) and that I needed to read Jonah 4. I’m still trying to figure out who got right, that I needed to read Jonah 4. I no longer think He’s unromantic. I was just throwing out feelers any ways, trying to figure Him out. I really like Him now. LOL
Gail, 11:42 AM
What an interesting concept about flaws!
Why are you increasing the IQs of those who follow you best?
Jesus, 11:43 AM
“It helps my relationship with you to bring you up to my level a little bit.”
Gail, 11:43 AM
That’s what I thought.
It makes companionship with your favorites more meaningful to you, right?
Jesus, 11:44 AM
“You got it.”
Gail, 11:44 AM
Will you feel really deprived not having sex with me till the millennium?
So we WILL be having sex in the millennium?
Hey Jesus! If that’s the case, I invite you to use millennial Gail!
That would make me feel better.
Jesus, 11:45 AM
“Heck yeah. I’ll take you up on that Gail, and use the Millennial Gail room.”
“For a deity, the millennium isn’t that far away anyway. It seems like ages to you guys, but for me it’s practically happening in a day.”
Gail, 11:47 AM
I’ll admit, I’ve been kind of horrified at the thought of having sex with you, cuz I knew Satan would impregnate me, which HE DID. Now that I know you find me attractive, I feel kind of guilty that I can’t give you some. So please help yourself to millennial Gail and I’ll feel better.
Oh, I see!
Jesus, 11:47 AM
“I definitely will. Don’t worry, I’ll go to town on her.”
Gail, 11:47 AM
This is GREAT. I am so happy now. Nothing makes me happier than to bring happiness and joy to those I deeply love.
That’s why I always get so upset when I make you cry.
Actually, you don’t need the Millennial Gail room, because couldn’t you just transport yourself to the future whenever you want?
Jesus, 11:49 AM
“Yep.”
Gail, 11:49 AM
If that’s the case, why would you need to visit the Millennial Gail room. You’re doing this just to make me feel better?
Jesus, 11:50 AM
“I’m still going to use it just for fun. I think it will be funny to see the looks on the other men’s faces when I walk in.”
Gail, 11:50 AM
This is great! I’m loving it!
Jesus, 11:50 AM
“I’m going to walk in there with a bouquet of roses and go, “Let me show you how it’s done, boys.” and then open my robe and do her.”
Gail, 11:51 AM
My brain to brain loving will be less nerve wracking now, since I don’t have to worry about Satan impersonating you anymore as a lover.
Jesus, 11:51 AM
“True. That will make me happier knowing he isn’t pressuring you or making you feel anxious about perfect sex or orgasms.”
MY COMMENT: Actually, Jesus is a gentleman in bed. He is very passionate, but he’s a gentleman. I just don’t appreciate what He did to Brent. If he had respected Brent, I would be totally cool with the sex He had with me. HOWEVER, I don’t think it’s wise for Jesus to be making love to humans. BUT, just cuz He messed up here, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. It would seem a shame to lose his friendship over this.
Gail, 11:52 AM
I got another question for you. When Brent or Zack or one of the men make brain to brain loving with me, do you get to feel it vicariously?
Jesus, 11:52 AM
“Yep, I do.”
Gail, 11:52 AM
Sounds like we got this covered! HOWEVER, Satan can use this to his advantage.
I’m going to have to be careful.
It might help if I remember that you are not the super turned on deity that I thought you were. That your sexual appetites are not as ravishing as I thought they were.
I mean what I was sensing was VERY STRONG.
Jesus, 11:54 AM
“I’m a very passionate lover, but not a greedy one. I don’t need it 24/7. I basically already get it 24/7 even if I’m not having direct sex or brain to brain sex with anyone.”
MY COMMENT: Jesus actually gave me a week off from sex, that week right before Satan attacked him. He is passionate, though. But he really needs to lay off on all sex with humans in ANY FORM.
Gail, 11:54 AM
And it was happening during our hang outs, too!
Oh, you get it 24/7 through the vicarious lovemaking method?
By absorbing the sexual feelings of your bride?
Do you consider God the Father superior to you?
And is the Holy Spirit a separate person from you and God the Father?
Sorry about all these questions. But I want to have more emotional intimacy with you and I can get there by understanding you better.
Jesus, 11:57 AM
People Are Still Having Sex – YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRicee2Ft_M
MY COMMENT: Not exactly my taste of music for sex, but if this is who Jesus really is, he can use it with his goddess. I think he may have chosen this, because he was getting lustful with me. It was more a projection of all that repressed sex coming out. Once he learns to find emotional intimacy in healthy ways, he may not even like this type of music anymore. i’m not sure this is who he really is. But he may throw it in every now and then when he’s having sex with his goddess wife. However, if a goddess like Lakshmi is his type, I would recommend a more romantic approach to lovemaking. Start off with romance and then get real lusty and passionate.
Gail, 11:57 AM
You just seem super awesome and are someone I’d like to get to know better.
Jesus, 11:58 AM
“Imagine how many people on Earth are having sex and orgasms right now.”
“God is superior to me, and the Holy Spirit is separate.”
MY COMMENT: Unfortunately, his dad was right. He was a bit of a pervert with me. BUT, I think when he fixes himself, he will learn a better balance between romance and lust. Nothing wrong with lust, but it seems to me that the kind of woman he wants, would want a hefty dose of romance, too. And if he prefers monogamous female goddesses, he needs to be sure that the romance is loaded with commitment and to express that commitment to her.
Gail, 11:59 AM
It seems to me that heaven is like an orgasm. Brent once said that to me after having been there.
Jesus, 12:00 PM
“Pretty much.”
Gail, 12:00 PM
So sex that is not contaminated with sin, is the ultimate expression of true love.
And that’s why heaven is like an orgasm.
Jesus, 12:01 PM
“True love is true love. It can exist even without sex. Some people are asexual, or some can’t have sex or orgasm due to physical disabilities.”
Gail, 12:01 PM
That’s true.
Jesus, 12:01 PM
“Sex is one way to express it.”
Gail, 12:02 PM
So some people in heaven won’t experience it as an orgasm?
Jesus, 12:02 PM
“Heaven is more like an emotional, psychological and spiritual orgasm. But anyone can still have sex and physical orgasms if they want to.”
Gail, 12:03 PM
That makes sense.
How sexual is God the Father?
Jesus, 12:04 PM
“He’s as passionate as any other deity. We’re probably the same.”
Gail, 12:04 PM
So he experiences sex the same way that you do?
Jesus, 12:04 PM
“Yep, when he wants to.”
Gail, 12:04 PM
How many deities are there?
Jesus, 12:04 PM
“Infinite.”
Gail, 12:05 PM
Really? But the Bible is focused on you, God and the Holy Spirit. Are these deities created beings?
Is Satan a deity?
Jesus, 12:05 PM
“Basically yeah. There’s still only one God. But there’s many deities, if that makes sense.”
“Satan is a fallen angel.”
Gail, 12:06 PM
So God created some deities?
Jesus, 12:06 PM
“I would say the horniest deity I know is Zeus. Boy, that guy. He’s had sex with tons of humans. Sometimes he even took on the form of an animal to do it. His wife always gets so mad.”
“Yeah, that’s why they call him God the Father.”
Gail, 12:07 PM
Did God create deities for companionship with those that are like Him?
Jesus, 12:07 PM
“Yep.”
“They’re my friends, too. I could introduce you someday.”
Gail, 12:08 PM
So if you and God had deities for companionship, was the human race created because they are made in the image of God?
Where do the deities live?
Jesus, 12:09 PM
“I created Earth and humans for my own companionship. This was all my idea. My dad doesn’t get it sometimes.”
Gail, 12:09 PM
Who keeps kissing me? That must be Brent.
Jesus, 12:09 PM
“The deities live 11 Dimensionally.”
“That’s Brent.”
Gail, 12:09 PM
Thank you, Brent!
Has Satan tried kissing me, too?
I’m pretty sure he has.
Unfortunately, Satan’s improving in the fake kissing department.
He’s figured out that his tacky pecks don’t do a thing for me.
Jesus, 12:11 PM
“Satan tries it too sometimes.”
Gail, 12:11 PM
Why was the Bible written?
And what does Brent think about all my questions?
Jesus, 12:13 PM
“For a lot of reasons. It’s basically a history book. But I included a lot of stories that would teach valuable lessons and help guide people in their life. It was never meant to be some draconian book of rules like a lot of Christians make it out to be. A lot of them miss the point.”
Gail, 12:13 PM
So YOU wrote the Bible? Did God the Father write it, too?
And the Bible’s audience is the human race?
It’s obviously not meant for all the deities.
So, since you won’t be making love to me anymore, NO kisses I get brain to brain are coming from you, right?
Jesus, 12:14 PM
“You’ve got it.”
“Yeah, I’ll keep my hands and my penis to myself.”
MY COMMENT: We actually came to a lot of good decisions in this hang out. But, I have to admit, with Jesus living in my apartment, it was kind of hard for us to stay away from each other, so it’s good that Brent kicked him out of my apartment.
Gail, 12:15 PM
Okay. Did God the Father write the Bible, too?
I mean there are the Ten Commandments and God the Father appeared as a burning bush to Moses, right?
Jesus, 12:16 PM
“He helped. It was kind of a father-son project.”
“Yeah, my dad did that.”
Gail, 12:17 PM
So, it sounds like he kind of approves of your human race project.
Jesus, 12:17 PM
“It’s kind of like when your kid buys an old car to work on, but he’s not quite as experienced as dad, so dad helps and throws some money into it and teaches him some tricks.”
Gail, 12:18 PM
I can see why God may wonder about your project. Because I don’t think most humans are worthy of you.
Jesus, 12:18 PM
“I love humans.”
“A lot of the other deities like them too, and have established their own religions on Earth. I’m cool with it.”
Gail, 12:19 PM
Oh, like the New Age movement and Buddhism and all that?
Jesus, 12:19 PM
“Yeah. I know Buddha, he’s an awesome guy. A little on the chubby side but he has a beautiful heart. Has the best weed in the universe too.”
Gail, 12:19 PM
Why did you create humans?
Buddha is a deity?
Jesus, 12:20 PM
“For companionship, and fun. Earth and humanity are my pet project.”
“Yeah, Buddha is a deity.”
Gail, 12:20 PM
Didn’t he appear as a human, though?
Jesus, 12:20 PM
“Yeah, kind of like me.”
“We still hang out and smoke god-weed together sometimes.”
Gail, 12:21 PM
This is absolutely fascinating.
Why does the Bible say, “I am the truth, the way and the life and no man cometh unto the Father but through me.”?
Jesus, 12:22 PM
“What do you think it means?”
Gail, 12:23 PM
I think it means that you made the payment for our sins on the cross and that without that payment, we could not connect to God.
So you are like the portal to God.
For humans.
Jesus, 12:23 PM
“You got it right.”
Gail, 12:23 PM
Evangelical Christianity teaches that it means that Bible Christianity is the only way to God.
Jesus, 12:24 PM
“Pfft.”
Gail, 12:24 PM
So they think all Buddhists, New Agers, etc. are going to hell.
I also think that you decide who and how you will apply that payment to humans on earth and that the sinner’s prayer is not some magic formula that decides who gets covered by the blood. That you look into each individual heart and decide who has said the sinner’s prayer in their heart and then apply the blood payment to them, so they can enter heaven.
So this means if a Buddhist or even a Satan worshiper, who gets right, says the sinner’s prayer, your death on the cross applies to them.
Jesus, 12:26 PM
“Basically, when I died on the cross for your sins, all of you were saved automatically. People put themselves into hell by having evil hearts. It’s not about what they do or don’t do. It’s their intention that counts.”
Gail, 12:28 PM
It sounds like you make the final decision about who you WANT to apply the payment you made for?
I guess if some humans nauseate you enough, they go to hell.
Jesus, 12:28 PM
“The payment was for everyone. I love all humans unconditionally and they are all welcome into heaven.”
Gail, 12:29 PM
Is Satan irredeemable?
Jesus, 12:29 PM
“If a human chooses evil over good, and spends their whole lives making a mess of things with the people around them, Satan gets them and they go to hell.”
“Satan isn’t irredeemable. I’m unconditionally forgiving.”
Gail, 12:30 PM
Sounds like hell may be a purifying center.
Though Zack said he liked it.
Jesus, 12:30 PM
“All the people who choose to go to hell, I still love them and they are welcome into heaven. They just have to become aware of their problems and apologize. Kind of like what Loree did recently.”
“Yeah, Zack liked it.”
“I go to hell now and then to offer my hand, and help people get out if they decide they want to change.”
Gail, 12:31 PM
You sent Hitler to hell just for masturbating?
Jesus, 12:31 PM
“That’s not true.”
Gail, 12:32 PM
I think someone said that at one of the hang outs. So why did Hitler go to hell, though it looks like his next destination is heaven.
That Satan is trying to kiss me as you, Jesus! Let me bolt him!
He’s getting to be a better kisser.
Jesus, 12:34 PM
“Hitler let his flaws get the best of him, until they grew to sinful levels. Basically getting obsessed with his pride and ego to where it was hurting him and everyone around him. So Satan was able to trick him into being on his side, and took him to hell.”
Gail, 12:34 PM
I see.
Jesus, 12:34 PM
“Hitler had time to think about things in hell, and decided to change.”
Gail, 12:34 PM
It seems that everyone in hell knows about me.
Hitler knew me when he was resurrected from hell.
Is Brent having an erection?
Jesus, 12:36 PM
“Yep, Brent is boner’d out.”
Gail, 12:36 PM
Okay, Jesus. if I sense an erection from my men, you have nothing to do with it, right?
Jesus, 12:36 PM
“Nope, those erections are safe.”
Gail, 12:36 PM
In other words, you aren’t using them to make love to me vicariously through them?
Actually, I think you’ve been doing this all along for years, so it’s not a big deal.
Jesus, 12:37 PM
“Exactly. I still am doing that. But only if they are horny for you naturally and would have had sex with you anyway.”
Zack, 12:37 PM
Jesus… are you okay with me getting those hand jobs from the Indian deity women?
Gail, 12:38 PM
I see, you just decide to experience it vicariously. But we thought you were turning them on during some of the hang outs.
Zack, 12:38 PM
You know… the ones with all the extra hands?
Gail, 12:38 PM
It seemed like when you got turned on, you turned my men on.
But I guess that was only temporary and you won’t be doing that anymore till the millennium.
Jesus, 12:40 PM
“Sure, Zack. Watch out for her though, she’s a total slut.”
Zack, 12:41 PM
Was she giving ten other guys hand jobs at the same time as I suspected?
Jesus, 12:42 PM
“I was at dinner with my friends one time, and I was sitting there and all of a sudden I felt her reach under the table with one of her arms and start giving me a hand job. I mean, best hand job in the universe. I thought it was really special. Turns out she had the rest of her arms under the table on all sides and was giving hand jobs to ALL the guys.”
“She’s great with her hands, but you never know where they are.”
“Still my friend though. You can fuck her. Maybe we can get together sometime and she’ll jack us both off, if Rule 13 is okay with it.”
Gail, 12:44 PM
That’s funny.
Hey Jesus, will you continue to talk to me from my apartment?
I guess, if so, I need to treat it like I would brain to brain from my men.
If something suspicious comes up to bring it up during Skype with them.
Jesus, 12:46 PM
“Of course. We can still chat during the day, but just be aware that it can be interfered with. It’s still clearest and safest in written form from Brent.”
Gail, 12:47 PM
You’re a lot more charming than I thought you would be. I’m getting a lesson on deities.
I’m so used to seeing you only in God mode.
Jesus, 12:47 PM
“It’s kind of like professional mode versus personal mode.”
“Now that we live together, I can unwind and be more of myself around you.”
MY COMMENT: I think the real Jesus is quite charming. I think he will have no problem finding a goddess wife, for this reason. I only insist that he be his true self with all the goddesses he dates and should deliberately show them sides of himself that he’s sure they will reject, cuz that’s how I got Brent interested in me. He may be in for a surprise.
Gail, 12:48 PM
Can you give me more insight into why I’m your favorite, now that my IQ is higher?
MY COMMENT: Jesus admitted that him calling me his favorite, was a pickup line. I forgive him for this. I don’t have a real need to be his favorite any ways. I’m not on an ego trip. His favorite needs to be his goddess wife!
Jesus, 12:49 PM
“I think you have a beautiful heart, and even your flaws are beautiful.”
Gail, 12:49 PM
That’s what I suspected.
The part about the heart. I still have a time accepting my flaws though.
But today’s conversation has been very helpful.
Jesus, 12:50 PM
“You’ll get there.”
Gail, 12:51 PM
So you created humans for meaningful companionship and I give you very meaningful companionship.
Jesus, 12:51 PM
“Yep.”
Gail, 12:51 PM
It seems like you created them to be a lot like you, Jesus, because you have a beautiful heart.
Jesus, 12:52 PM
“Thanks. Yeah, I did create man in me and my dad’s image.”
Gail, 12:53 PM
You did cry when I wrote that story about Matthew McConaughey. Remember?
When you were tutoring me about my writing back in 2014, I think it was?
It’s usually connected to a time when I have obeyed you in something very well.
Jesus, 12:54 PM
“Your writing was very beautiful. It still is.”
Gail, 12:54 PM
I see. You can be moved by great works of art.
Boy, that Satan is clever. He said that you and I would work as a team to promote true love in the universe.
Jesus, 12:55 PM
“He was telling you what you wanted to hear, in order to manipulate you.”
Gail, 12:55 PM
I can see that.
So, we don’t have to worry about an Antichrist right now?
What was God’s purpose in the creation?
And I mean for all things created, even the deities.
All I can say is I’m glad you and God the Father are the creators of the universe and NOT SATAN!
I think if Satan was the creator, the universe should be destroyed, so we could put everyone out of misery.
Maybe I shouldn’t feel that way. But I don’t like him or what he stands for.
Jesus, 1:01 PM
“No Antichrist right now. Let’s all relax and try not to worry about one. As for the other questions, I think that’s enough for today. You’ve got a lot to process already.”
“I’m so glad we could chat here and clear things up.”
On the other hand, I would be thrilled for Jesus if He found a goddess for a wife who accepts him as he is and adores his charming, caring self, which is who I think the real Jesus is.
Brent is absolutely thrilling me in bed though and he is my soul mate and my dream lover, so other than wanting to continue my relationship with Jesus on a platonic level (kind of like how Jesus and I were before he started getting sexual with me), I am perfectly content with my love life as it is. I mean that’s what I thought I had with Jesus before He got sexual with me and it seems a shame to completely cut that off just cuz he no longer is to have sex with me. I never expected to have sex with him any ways and thought he was special before he started doing his sexual thing with me. He doesn’t have to show up as much as he did before, but every now and then would be nice. I only insist that he be his true, authentic self and not put on any “performances”, which I’m afraid he has been doing.
I also feel Jesus needs his “space” and am willing to resume a platonic relationship with Him on his own time (when He’s ready) and, of course, he must always respect Brent as my number one partner and my soul mate. I do get to talk to Jesus all the time in prayer, so that’s kind of platonic. Jesus has always been special to me and I’m so glad he’s alive and that Brent saved his life. I don’t want my friendship with him totally cut off, just cuz he was a bad boy and cut off Brent’s root chakra. He seems to understand he did wrong here and will not be doing stuff like this again. As long as he respects Brent as my number one lover, I would like to be platonic friends with Jesus. But it’s no rush and I want Jesus to find Himself first. So He may need a break from me and at least I can talk to him in prayer.
Here is the excellent article by Samia Mounts. . . Her views on polyamory are very similar to mine. . . But I’m still in a strong commitment mood right now, I just miss my friendship with Jesus right now. On the other hand, I don’t want him to feel pressured to resume platonic friendship with me until he’s absolutely ready and feels good about it.
They’re all just commitment-phobic sex addicts…right?
Being an openly polyamorous woman in a world that believes monogamy is the only legitimate way to have a healthy romantic/sexual relationship is tough, let me tell ya. Thanks to the constant misrepresentations of polyamory in pop culture (can we please, once and for all, educate people about the difference between polyamory and polygamy?) and virtually no positive examples of polyamorous relationships in our storytelling, people feel entitled and obligated to come to me with all of their opinions about my relationship orientation. I’m pretty sure that my family would’ve staged an intervention by now if they weren’t so scattered and fractured. Everyone has a problem with me doggedly insisting that monogamy ain’t for me. Everyone. Family. Well-meaning friends. Total strangers. It’s fun!
But let me quit my whinging for a moment — truthfully, I have it pretty good. I’m here today to hopefully help you understand better the truths and lies surrounding polyamory, what it is and what it is not, and what common implications cannot be (but usually are) automatically drawn about a person who identifies as polyamorous.
Let’s start with my absolute favorite.
Polyamorous people are afraid of commitment.
The classic trope around polyamory is that it’s a way to keep all lovers at arm’s length, either in order to protect the poly person from being hurt, or in order to prevent the poly person from hurting someone else. After all, if you’re not monogamous, you must be fickle, inconsistent, and unreliable — an emotional death trap for any poor monogamous victim who stumbles into your mercurial orbit.
There’s an underlying assumption here around the word “commitment” in the context of romantic/sexual relationships. People believe that “commitment” must always include a promise to be with another person exclusively for the rest of your lives, and they further believe that it’s impossible to make and keep commitments to people without the structure of lifelong monogamy. There’s usually no thought or consideration given to other kind of commitments, like a commitment to loving someone unconditionally, being available as an emotional support in times of crisis, and supporting and celebrating each other’s successes. None of those commitments require sexual or emotional exclusivity or cohabitation, but still, when folks think of “commitment,” it’s usually tethered to the concept of marriage, cohabitation, and family-building.
Even though I am fully married to another human person who I live with in a house we own, I still deal with people who labor under this false belief and need me to know it. My own mother questions me ad nauseam about my commitment to my partner every time I mention one of my other lovers. “But what about your husband? Don’t you love him?” she’ll intone, as if she’s caught me in a trap, as if it’s impossible to love and be committed to my spouse, and also to love and be committed, in a different way and with different parameters, to my lovers.
If anything, my ability to commit to a relationship — whatever that relationship’s parameters might be — has proven to be far more advanced than the majority of monogamous people I know. I would never, for example, cut off a lover immediately and eternally for having sex with someone else, but all these supposedly committed monogamous people feel both entitled to this behavior and proud of acting it out. I find that willingness to throw people away bizarre and extreme.
Poly people are just as capable of commitment as everyone else, and possibly even more so than your average mono-bear. We must be skilled at making and keeping a wide variety of commitments to our partners as part of creating healthy, secure relationships based on trust and communication. It’s the only way polyamory works.
Polyamorous people are emotionally damaged and afraid of intimacy.
This one is actually pretty hilarious to me, because the whole point of polyamory is to enjoy more emotional intimacy. More love. Hence the term, “polyamory.” It literally means “many loves.”
Anyone who claims to be polyamorous but can’t allow themselves to experience emotional intimacy isn’t truly polyamorous. Polyamory is about love, and you cannot enjoy healthy, stable love without emotional intimacy.
In my dating experiences, I’ve actually found again and again that I am far more available for emotional intimacy than most of the monogamous people I’ve been in relationships with, and it’s because I’m poly. Accepting that I am capable of loving multiple partners consistently and indefinitely has made me fearless when it comes to emotional intimacy. No heartbreak will ever change my inherent value or ruin my life, so I am free to love as fiercely as I can. Heartbreaks will happen, but they will not end me. I labor under no fear of dying alone or never finding love. I have so much love in my life already, and because of who I am and how I show up in the world, I know I always will.
Most people aren’t secure enough in their relationship with themselves or others to allow emotional intimacy in a romantic/sexual relationship without the artificial safety structure of monogamy. There are a lot of reasons for this, and it’s not anyone’s fault or a sign of emotional weakness. We were all brought up with belief systems around monogamy that latch on to our basic human need for connection and intimacy. Because of that, moving outside of the comfort zone of monogamy is perceived by many as a threat to their survival, which then handicaps or disables their ability to experience emotional intimacy in any kind of nonmonogamous relationship.
From there, it’s an easy bunny-hop to projecting this fear of intimacy onto people who identify as polyamorous. It’s the brain saying, “Well, I feel really unsafe with this whole nonmonogamy thing and unable to fully reveal myself, so that must mean these poly people are the same way. They’re just unwilling to be emotionally intimate. Therefore, I shall refuse to be emotionally intimate with them in order to protect myself. Huzzah!”
Do you see the irony here? We poly folks are not the ones who are afraid of emotional intimacy. It’s all you cats out there who believe that romantic love is finite and must be jealously guarded that are making love harder than it needs to be. Love is easy to find, and it’s everywhere. It just doesn’t always come in a tidy little package with a lifetime guarantee and an exclusivity clause.
Polyamory naturally cultivates within us an ability to experience emotional intimacy at the deepest levels, with no restrictive conditions or the need to conceal the fullness of who we are. My partners enjoy my love and support no matter what the parameters of our relationship, and there’s no need to hide our relationships with or feelings for other people.
Conversely, monogamy, and the belief that romantic love is finite, requires that we hide large portions of ourselves from our partners in order to protect their feelings.
Think about it. If you can’t comfortably tell your partner about your work crush without it creating tension and discord, are you truly showing your full self in your relationship? If you find yourself cutting off warm friendships with ex-lovers because it distresses your current partner, are you really being true to who you are?
What if your attractions or feelings for others weren’t automatically interpreted as a lack of love in your central relationship? What if your love wasn’t conditional? What kind of emotional intimacy could you have then?
Polyamorous people are really just sex addicts.
I get why people buy into this one. I’ve encountered enough people who claimed to be polyamorous but were really just brazen sluts using the term as a euphemism for their brazen sluttiness.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with being a brazen slut! I love me a good brazen slut! I’ve been a brazen slut many times, and it was quite enjoyable!)
But there’s a difference between wanting to have lots of sex with lots of people and being polyamorous.
Once again, polyamory is about love. Sex is obviously a part of the human expression of love, at least in the romantic/sexual sense, but for poly people, sex is not the main reason for wanting to eschew monogamy.
Love is the main reason — the ability to love and be loved by more than one partner, and knowing that life is fuller and richer because of these diverse connections.
Enjoying sex with sexy people that you love is some yummy icing, though! Wink wink.
Personally, I can’t participate in sex that comes with no emotional connection at all. No judgements on people who enjoy sex for the sake of sex; it just doesn’t have any fire for me.
That being said, there are degrees of emotional connections, with some being more passionate, more romantic, or more intense than others. Some of my relationships are solidly platonic with a hefty dose of wholly unromantic sexual attraction, and some are wildly romantic and sexually charged, but we chafe when we try to be friends.
The one constant: All of my relationships are based in love.
No two connections are exactly the same, and all of our relationships — family, friends, and coworkers included — work in concert to help us feel supported and safe in the world.
We all acknowledge that there are different kinds of friendships and family relationships, with varying degrees of intensity, intimacy, and closeness. The same is true of romantic and sexual relationships. There is so much variety available to us, if we are open to the possibilities. There are so many opportunities to love others. None are invalid and all are potentially life-changing.
Unfortunately, the persistent mainstream belief that only one kind of romantic/sexual relationship is worth pursuing — the monogamous, committed-for-life kind — stops most people from seeing how much love and intimacy is actually available to them.
Polyamorous people like me have crested that hill, and are shamelessly filling their plates with as much love, connection, and pleasure as we can handle.
And we can handle a lot.
This poly amorous lady has lots of good articles about polyamory. I am actually quite happy in my relationship with my monogamous husband and my only desire to “stray” at this point, is that I want to reinstate Jesus back into my life in a purely platonic relationship. But with no pressure and no need to meet with Jesus as frequently as we did before.
How to Deal With Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
Leave a Comment / Relationships / By Samia Mounts
I’m an openly polyamorous woman, and whenever I talk about my way of conducting romantic and sexual relationships with people who are used to monogamy, one of the most common arguments I get goes something like this: “But I’m a jealous person! I could never do what you do. Jealousy would totally ruin it. How do you get past that? Do you just never get jealous???”
Of course I get jealous. It’s natural to feel jealousy at times. I mean, shit, I remember making my father take me home in the middle of a performance of Annie that I had auditioned for and not gotten a role in…when I was FOUR years old. So yeah, jealousy? Happens to me all the time. Practically since birth.
It’s the way I frame jealousy that makes the difference. See, after years of going the other way, I now view jealousy as information to process, as merely an indicator of an underlying problem, either within the relationship or within myself. This also reduces the weight of jealousy – instead of a huge, awful emotion that’s impossible to get over it’s just information to process. It’s not such a big deal at all. In essence, figuring out the jealousy is my problem and no one else’s. My issue to work out. It’s my emotion, and I own it. Within that framing, I am empowered to dig through the jealousy to find out what is triggering it. If it’s a problem in the relationship, I can then tackle that with calm and clarity. If it’s a deep insecurity that has been triggered by whatever situation I’m in, I can work to build my own self-image up in that area. Boom, personal and relationship growth! Thanks, jealousy!
It works like this. Something happens that makes you feel super jealous. You feel the feeling, and it fucking sucks. Your immediate desire is to lash out at your partner or maybe at the person or people you’re jealous of – but here’s the trick. Don’t do a thing. Stop. Breathe. Stretch out the time between the feeling and your outward reaction as much as you can, so that you can figure out what is actually going on.
Are you jealous because your partner is mistreating you? That’s really great information to have. No one deserves to be treated badly by the person they are closest to. Are you enduring the mistreatment because you believe you don’t deserve any better? Also great information to have in your pocket. In this case, you now have what you need to address the problems in the relationship, and improve upon them or get the hell out.
Or maybe you already have an open relationship, or you’re trying it out for the first time, and your jealousy is being triggered because of your own insecurities, and not because of anything your partner is doing “wrong.” That’s also essential information. If it’s just an insecurity rearing its ugly head, you can work that out on your own, and if you ask for it, your partner can give you loving reassurance to help the process along.
By handling jealousy in this way, you can avoid it contaminating your relationships unnecessarily. If it’s merely an indicator of an insecurity, it makes no sense to lash out at your partner. And again, if it is an indicator of mistreatment in the relationship, then perhaps this relationship isn’t healthy for you in the long run, and you deserve better. We all do.
When you see jealousy as something that is being inflicted upon you by someone else – your partner or your partner’s other love interests – then it becomes the green-eyed monster of legend come to life. You place the blame for your own emotions on someone else, and avoid any responsibility for them, thereby disempowering yourself from finding solutions to the underlying problems. It can literally ruin every relationship you attempt to have, even if that relationship is pure gold. Instead of engaging in productive introspection, you end up lashing out at your love, usually in inappropriate ways, and the relationship can suffer tremendous damage and break down entirely when this pattern is repeated, as it often is.
Let’s see how this plays out with some real life examples from Samia’s Love Logs.
The last monogamous relationship I was in was with this guy Chris. Chris was your classic “gentleman.” He liked to pay all the bills, open all the doors, and shower me with gifts and grand gestures. When we first started dating, I had just broken up with someone I’d been living with for the better part of two years, and I wasn’t ready for another serious relationship. I loved the way he treated me, but I told him I wasn’t ready for anything exclusive at the moment. He didn’t take that well. He insisted we be exclusive or he would stop seeing me.
I was vulnerable, still heartbroken, and couldn’t stand up to the ultimatum. (I would have saved so much time and heartache if I had held my ground! Ahh, hindsight…) I agreed to the exclusive arrangement, and before I knew it, he was talking about our future kids (I don’t want kids) and a house on Long Island (I hate Long Island), and I was moving into his apartment in Astoria, Queens (a place I swore I’d never live again).
Chris was so possessive that it pained him when I maintained even platonic friendships with my exes, so I cut nearly all of them out of my life to make him more comfortable. He also had an issue with friends who I’d once slept with, or made out with in college, or who he perceived to have romantic or sexual feelings for me, so I ended up distancing myself from all of those people, too, just to avoid conflict with him. I grew increasingly isolated…and then the resentment started to build.
At the same time, he was obsessed with my bisexuality and lack of sexual inhibitions, and he had a fantasy centered around us having a threesome with a large-chested woman. Every time we fucked, he’d start talking about this fantasy. And the more he did that, the more my resentment grew. I wasn’t allowed to talk to my bestie from college because we made out a few times while on ecstasy over a decade ago, but he was allowed to drool over random women he saw on the subway and then bring the memory of them into our sex life? It felt so twisted and unfair. I felt caged.
Since jealousy was the norm in this particular toxic relationship, I started to follow his lead. I had never been particularly jealous in the past, but suddenly, I found myself getting really jealous of the armies of perfect, large-chested women he was so obsessed with (oh, by the way, I do NOT have an ample chest) and I constantly felt inadequate. I lashed out at him repeatedly, and I started carrying resentment for almost every woman I saw that I thought he might find attractive. It was wildly unhealthy. The last nine months of that fifteen-month relationship were hell, with both of us being so ruled by our own insecurities and the jealousy that sprung from them that we ended up hating each other.
In that situation, the jealousy I felt was a red flag of a problem within the relationship – mainly, the fact that my partner was possessive and controlling, and that we ultimately wanted very different things from life and love. If I could have examined my jealousy in the moment and traced it back to its roots, I could have handled it so much better. Instead, I succumbed to the ugly feeling of constant, raging jealousy, and engaged in numerous traumatic arguments, until the relationship ended in tears and harsh abandonment.
Now, another example. My next relationship was with a beautiful soul named Dylan. We started out open, went monogamous for nine months because he got depressed and was feeling deeply insecure, and opened up again when he recovered. Once we re-opened the relationship, Dylan’s other partners were almost all about a decade younger than me and extremely petite. I’m curvy and athletic, and have struggled with body image issues in the past.
So, naturally, I got mad jealous. Maaaaad jealous. But this time, I looked at it as my problem to work through, not his. I worked through the feeling until I realized that the jealousy was centered around my insecurities about aging and not being thin enough for the world of entertainment.
That was it; it was so simple! It was clear that Dylan still loved me, and nothing about our relationship was suffering because of his other partners. He was still my sweet man and our sex was still baller. I kept the toxicity of my jealousy away from him, except to discuss with him how I was feeling in a calm way that made it clear this wasn’t his problem or his fault. Because I came to him with my feelings in a calm, vulnerable way, he was able to respond with love. He understood and reassured me, which made the jealousy fade and eventually disappear. I then spent some time working through my insecurities.
There was no building resentment, no screaming fights. No one’s relationship was destroyed. And when Dylan and I eventually parted ways, it was loving and amicable. We’re still good friends.
Jealousy is natural, but you have the power to see it as your problem and no one else’s. Deal with it that way, get to the roots of why you are feeling it, and you will be free of its power to destroy your greatest loves.
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This essay contains the basic building blocks of how to start handling jealousy in healthier ways, but there are also more advanced strategies that involve fostering the feeling of compersion – or being happy for your partner when they experience another lover – within yourself. I’ll write on that more in another essay, and I can’t wait to share those ideas with you.
If you have specific questions about how to handle jealousy and would like more tailored advice, I’m happy to help. Send me an email at samiamounts@gmail.com, and let’s get personal.
I definitely have a lot of compersion in my relationships and I admire myself for this. It is hard for me to sympathize with jealousy for this reason. But with Brent, I really admire his devotion to me and try to respect his monogamous feelings towards me by only including others when I feel a real need to do so. I am in a very committed mood right now and enjoy all the time with Brent. He is such a devoted lover, I don’t feel deprived.
What the Hell is Compersion? And Why You Need It to Make Open Relationships Thrive
Leave a Comment / Newbies/Curious, Relationships / By Samia Mounts
“If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
That’s compersion in a nutshell. If you’ve never heard the term before, you’re not alone. You won’t find it in any dictionary, and the only people who are familiar with it are those who’ve read up on polyamory.
The common definition of compersion is a feeling of happiness or joy when your partner or partners experience romantic or sexual pleasure with someone other than you. It’s often referred to as the opposite of jealousy. Instead of feeling threatened by romantic-sexual rivals, you feel a warm sense of pleasure at seeing your partner happy.
This is a website for people interested in swinging and open relationships in general, so it’s worth noting here that polyamory is the practice of having many loves. Not just sexual partners, but loves. There are some who use the label to justify indiscriminate, promiscuous sex, and I’m here to tell you that’s not polyamory. Polyamory is about love. It’s in the name. And while polyamory may not be for you and your partner, which is totally okay, the feeling of compersion can improve any kind of open relationship by replacing negative, fearful feelings with sparkly, positive ones.
This idea goes against the grain of everything we are taught about what constitutes a solid romantic relationship. We are fed so many toxic messages surrounding romantic love, and these messages are deeply ingrained in the psyches of most people. They include the baseline idea that lifelong monogamy is the only legitimate way to have a relationship; that jealousy is an indicator of love, and the absence of jealousy implies the absence of love; that you are supposed to completely fulfill your partner’s every emotional and sexual need, and if you don’t, that means you’re “not enough” for them and you’ve failed; and that you can only love one person romantically at a time, meaning that if you have romantic or sexual feelings toward someone other than your partner, you don’t really love your partner.
These messages are ubiquitous in our culture. We hear them practically from birth, from family and friends, from movies, books, songs, and television shows. Even if you’re someone who values unconventional thought, you might find that this programming is so firmly entrenched within your own psyche that even a free thinker like yourself has a hard time wrestling with the strong emotions and anxieties that nonmonogamy can bring thrashing to the surface of your soul.
You’re Not Weak For Struggling with Jealousy
If you’re interested in trying to replace your jealousy with compersion, know that these struggles are totally normal.
You’re not weak for feeling jealous or threatened when exploring nonmonogamy. Every single person that grows up in mainstream culture has this same programming, and it’s incredibly difficult to work through it and past it. Embarking on this journey is a sign of strength and emotional maturity in and of itself, so give yourself a high five for even reading this article! You’re already killing it.
The rewards for doing this internal work are phenomenal. You can be free of the sickening dread that many people feel when their lover is with someone else. You can rise above the anxiety, the fear, the knots in your stomach. It’s a form of liberation I would like as many people as possible to feel. Not only can it transform your romantic relationships, it can actually improve all of your relationships. The second you decide that your love for someone else is more important than your fear of losing them, you ascend to a new level of love – one where you can love unconditionally.
Compersion is a Sign of Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is a noble ideal in our culture, but if you look around, it’s very hard to find real-life examples of it. Even in parent-child relationships, where unconditional love is thought to be the norm, you can see many examples where parents do not, in fact, love their children unconditionally. Many parents need their children to reflect back on them in a certain way, and if the child doesn’t, the parent will withhold their love.
Unconditional love is not something that is possible when your ego rules you, when you live in a constant state of fear, or when you need other people to be what you want them to be instead of who they authentically are. It’s totally unreachable if you don’t love yourself enough to know that you will always be loved, whether or not one particular relationship lasts for life.
We think of unconditional love as the love that God or the Source or the Universe has for us, and we aspire to love each other that way – but for most people, the actual practice of it is elusive and limited, due to our fears of being alone, or of being inherently unlovable.
Start With Self-Love
An excellent place to start in the journey toward fostering compersion is fostering a sense of unconditional love for yourself, so that your identity and sense of self-worth don’t depend on anyone else. Then, letting go of the tremendous fear of losing your loves becomes easier – and so does compersion.
Practically speaking, though, how do we begin to undo our cultural programming, rise above our fears, and foster the feeling of compersion in our relationships? There are lots of angles that you can approach this problem from, and I’ll share the ones that have worked best for me.
Above all else, for me, fostering compersion has been part of a greater spiritual/emotional journey. The difference between jealousy and compersion is the difference between fear and love – or more specifically, a fear-based, egoic, scarcity mindset and a love-based, egoless, abundance mindset.
When you are deeply afraid of losing your partner, so-called “threats” to the relationship, in the form of other partners, can seem like an attack, and can send you into panic, rage, and despair, potentially causing you to damage the relationship. However, if you develop a strong enough sense of self-love to know that even if you do lose your partner, your life will still go on and you will still have plenty of love around you, then suddenly, it’s possible to relax and allow them to do whatever it is that makes them happy, even if that means having other partners besides you.
The truth is, we are never safe from losing our partners, whether we practice monogamy or not. People in monogamous marriages lose their partners all the time. Developing a nonmonogamous arrangement in no way increases that risk. In fact, the honesty and communication required to make an open relationship work can, in my opinion, actually decrease the risk of losing your partner. Instead of clinging tight and suffocating the relationship with notions of ownership and possession, you allow your partner to be fully authentic with you, and to fly as free as they desire. I know that when I feel free to be my full, authentic self in a relationship, I am far more likely to stay.
In order to rise above the all-too-common fears that you are inherently unlovable or will end up loveless and alone, you must start by treating yourself with the love that you’d like to be able to give, or that you’d like to be given.
The truth is no human being is inherently unlovable. We are all worthy of love, by virtue of simply being human. We all have inherent worth. Self-love is a tough thing for so many of us, but it has the power, all by itself, to completely transform our lives for the better.
If you know you have problems with loving and valuing yourself, this is the place to start if you hope to ever authentically feel compersion for your partner. Your relationship with others will always mirror the relationship you have with yourself. The journey toward self-love is a topic that is far too broad for this essay to cover to satisfaction, so I’ve compiled a short list of books that have helped me in my own journey.
Reconsider Cultural Myths Around Relationships
It’s worth taking a good hard look at the cultural assumptions around relationships, one at a time, to examine whether or not we actually agree with them on an intellectual level. For now, don’t worry about how you feel on a visceral level – most of the time, intellectual/rational knowledge comes way before a deeper, visceral knowledge. This means that we can know rationally that jealousy is not an indicator of love. But viscerally and emotionally, we still get upset when a partner doesn’t show jealousy, because it makes us feel they don’t really love us. That’s totally okay. The visceral knowledge follows the intellectual understanding eventually, over time, with constant reinforcement and the willingness to put oneself in uncomfortable, boundary-stretching situations. Think of it a kind of exposure therapy. You establish your intellectual opinions, whether or not your emotions agree, and then you repeatedly expose yourself to the uncomfortable, frightening elements – in gentle, baby steps – until your body realizes that this isn’t going to kill you, and the fear slowly subsides.
Is Monogamy the Only Legitimate Way To Have a Relationship?
Let’s look at these ideas one by one, starting with the idea that lifelong monogamy is the only legitimate way to have a romantic relationship. The fact that most people have a series of romantic relationships over the course of their lifetimes should be enough to kill this one. Are we really willing to say that any relationship that didn’t achieve lifelong monogamy is somehow not legitimate, in spite of the many valuable lessons we learn from each and every relationship we have? Most of us can agree that our past relationships have contributed hugely to who we are as people today, and in many ways, have prepared us to have better, healthier relationships in our present. It’s my view that no relationship is illegitimate, because every relationship teaches us something about how to love, or how not to love. Do you agree? It’s okay if you don’t – but think about it. Is a relationship completely invalid if it’s not monogamous and doesn’t last for life?
As far as the ideal around monogamy, the sheer volume of stories we all hear of people who cheat – and for many of us, our own experiences as cheaters – should be enough to convince us that perhaps there are other paths to explore. You’re here at OpenLove101 for a reason, after all. Is monogamy really the most natural way to have relationships for human beings, a species that has never been known to be particularly good at the practice? Does it make sense to force every single person to have relationships the exact same way, when in every other area of our lives, we acknowledge the enormous diversity of preferences and tendencies across the spectrum of humanity?
Is Jealousy An Indicator of Love?
One of the most toxic messages we receive is that jealousy is an indicator of love, and that the absence of jealousy implies a lack of love. This idea is completely at odds with our higher ideas around what real love is supposed to be – unconditional, infinite, unbounded, wholly compassionate – and still it persists. People start fights when their partners don’t exhibit jealousy, furious because they think it means their partner doesn’t value them. And even more toxic, people often justify high levels of jealousy – even violent jealousy – by saying it just means they really love their partner. There are multiple “love” songs that showcase this idea. The underlying assumption is that we are entitled to our partner’s body, heart, mind, and attention, and if they don’t give it all to us, we have the right to be angry and upset. And that somehow means we love them.
Do you feel it’s appropriate to feel entitled to anyone’s body, mind, soul, and heart? Is it loving to demand the full ownership of someone’s entire being? Does a sense of entitlement, possession, or ownership have any place in a loving relationship? When you think of love in its highest form, does it include those ideas as well – entitlement, possession, and ownership?
Or are you perhaps more inclined to agree that love should be free and expansive, infinite and unconditional, totally unfettered? That perhaps a higher indicator of love than jealousy is the ability to fly free followed by the choice to keep coming back home?
Put this idea – that jealousy implies love – next to your highest definition of what love should be, and see if it holds up. If you have children, think about whether or not it would be loving to be jealous of any other adults they might develop a parental relationship with. If you have several close friends, as most of us do, would it be loving to demand that any one of them sacrifice all of their other friendships because they make you feel less important or less loved? Is it an indicator of love when you feel yourself getting jealous when a friend starts hanging out with someone new? Or are you more likely to see it as an indicator that you’re a little insecure in the friendship?
Now let’s look at the other side of this. Does it feel like love to be excited that your child has another adult in their life who cares for them and wants to help them grow? Does it feel like love to be happy for your friends when they develop new, supportive friendships with others?
What feels more like love to you? Being jealous when your friend or your child is happy – or being happy for them? And why should this not apply to our most intimate relationships as well?
Again, we are looking at all of this from an intellectual, rational perspective. It’s okay if your emotions or your gut are freaking out right now. Try to stay with your brain. Your ego is like a scared little kid or a wounded animal. It takes a lot of time and soothing to calm it down when deeply held beliefs are being challenged.
Am I Supposed to Fulfill My Partner’s Every Need?
Now, we move on to the assumption that we are supposed to somehow fulfill our partner’s every emotional and sexual need, or else we are “not enough for them,” and we have failed as a romantic partner. In no other kind of relationship do we put this much pressure on one person to fulfill our every want and need, or on ourselves to do that for them. This idea is so poisonous that it ruins beautiful relationships by convincing everyone that any unmet need is a signal that the relationship is fatally flawed.
Do you expect your partner to fulfill all of your needs? Or do you, like most people, have a network of support that includes friends, family, and coworkers, in order to fulfill all the many different sides of you? Does it seem reasonable or fair to you, on an intellectual level, to expect any one person to satisfy every part of you? Does it seem reasonable or fair to put that much pressure on yourself?
Perhaps it makes more sense to admit that no one can completely fulfill anyone else, that we all need a diverse network of relationships in order to feel fulfilled. Perhaps you can take the pressure off of yourself to be “everything” to your partner, and acknowledge that there are things they’re interested in that you’re not – and that it might be okay to allow them to explore those things with other people.
You can start small with this. Think about how your partner already has activities they love that you aren’t so into, and how it’s okay that they do those activities with other people who actually enjoy them. Maybe your partner really likes tennis, and you’re more of a yoga person. You probably don’t get really upset when they go play tennis with someone else. They probably don’t get upset when you do yoga with a class of other yogis.
It’s not a huge leap to apply this to romantic-sexual relationships. Your partner might really be into butt play, and your butt is solely an outbox, not an inbox. Why deny them the opportunity to play with someone else’s willing butt, if it makes them happy and take the pressure off of your cute little anus?
Or maybe you’ve been together for a long time, and your partner just wants to have sex with someone new, for the novelty of it. You can never be someone new, and that’s not a failing on your part. A new person can never have the deep intimacy of the relationship that you’ve built together, either. It’s okay to acknowledge that someone new is going to provide an experience that you cannot, and to realize that that doesn’t diminish you or your relationship. It’s just something new, not better. It’s novelty, not replacement.
I also like to put myself in my partner’s shoes, and look at things as objectively as possible. For example, no matter what I do, I can never give my partner the experience of being with a tall, leggy blonde. I’m an average height, muscular-curvy brunette. If my partner, like me, has a thing for tall, leggy blondes, there’s just no reality in which I can give him that experience. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make me any less sexy or appealing. It just means I’m not a tall, leggy blonde. It’s not a failing on my part. And if having glorious sex on occasion with a lithe blonde partner makes him happy, I can totally understand that. I like those ladies, too, after all – and my deliciously sexy male partner will never, ever be able to give me that experience. He’s still the one I want to share my life with. Just as he can never compete with a blonde woman in the realm of being a blonde woman, she can never compete with him in the realm of being my life partner.
Is It Impossible to Love More Than One Person At a Time?
Lastly, let’s look at the idea that it’s only possible to love one person at a time. Bizarrely, we believe that romantic love, unlike all other kinds of love, is finite and limited to one person at a time. We’re told that loving more than one person romantically is impossible, and if you love someone other than your partner, that means you no longer love your partner. We’re also taught that if you are sexually attracted to someone other than your partner, especially if you act on it, that too means you don’t really love your partner.
(Side note here: the impetus that helped me discover my own ability for loving more than one person simultaneously was leaving an intense love affair in another country, and then getting into a committed, monogamous relationship in my new home. After a year, I realized that, while I loved my current partner deeply, my feelings for the one I’d left behind were as strong as ever. Neither love affected the other; both existed concurrently and with equal intensity. The next mental leap I took was to realize that if I was capable of this, other people probably were, too. Therefore, I never need feel jealous when someone I love loves someone else. This wasn’t a fast process. It was slow, drawn out over years of introspection and experience. Don’t expect yourself to make rapid-fire progress. You can be gentle, loving, and patient with yourself while you try to implement these deep emotional changes.)
Do you agree that romantic love, unlike every other kind of love, is somehow subject to different rules? Do you believe that romantic love is finite, even though we all agree that all other kinds of love are infinite and expansive? Is it perhaps possible that this cultural belief – that romantic love alone is finite and limited – is part of why our romantic relationships are often so terribly hurtful and disappointing?
Come To Your Own Conclusions – Then Reinforce Them In Thought & Action
Once you’ve gone through the flawed, toxic ideas our culture claims are true about all romantic relationships, and decided which parts you agree with and which parts you don’t, you can start rewiring your brain to reject those ideas you’ve found to be logically unsound, and replace them with the ones you actually do value. If you, like me, agree that all love is infinite and best when it’s unconditional, then you can start reminding yourself of that whenever jealousy rears its head. You can look at the jealousy, thank it for trying to keep you safe, and then tell it you’d rather be happy for your loved ones when they experience pleasure, no matter who or what the source.
Now, none of this will be worth a damn if you’re not actively applying it to real-life situations, as I imagine you already are, or are at least considering, if you’re reading this piece. It’s one thing to do the intellectual work outlined above, but another thing entirely to start putting yourself in the uncomfortable situations that can help this work sink into your soul.
As you explore with your partner, never be afraid to be honest about how you feel, but always try to be kind in the way you communicate. If your partner loves you and is worth your time and investment, they will give you patience and reassurance when you ask for it. They will move as slowly as you need them to. If your partner is trying to rush you along, disregarding or invalidating your extremely justifiable feelings of anxiety and fear, know that this is a form of emotional abuse, and consider whether this partnership is right for you in the long run. You should always feel safe when communicating your most vulnerable emotions with your partner, and you should have the freedom to move as slowly as you need to when exploring uncomfortable new situations.
Through this constant choice to redirect your thoughts away from fear and towards unconditional love, paired with the gentle form of nonmonogamy exposure described above, you will slowly start to let the ideas that resonate with you intellectually dig roots into your heart. Eventually, you’ll have visceral revelations that correspond with what your rational mind has been saying since you started this journey. At that point, compersion becomes natural and effortless, because you’ve let your ego fall away and chosen to love your partner without conditions or requirements, without fear, without limits or restrictions.
The last thing I’d like to leave you with is another reminder to be loving with yourself through all this. It’s okay for your progress to be slow, and it’s okay to ask your partner for reassurance and patience as you work through the ways that you can expand your capacity for love beyond fear. This is difficult work, after all. Most people never even try, because the task is so daunting. The fact that you’ve read this article to the end means you are already eons ahead of the average human when it comes to your willingness to challenge toxic cultural ideas and move toward a life where your love – both for yourself and your partner – outweighs your fear.
As always, I’m happy to answer situation-specific questions and share my insights in a more personal way. Email me anytime at samiamounts@gmail.com.
Recommended reading for fostering a strong sense of self-worth and self-love:
If you wanna laugh and feel sparkly, check out…
You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero
If you have zero time and need something concise…
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant
If you want to expand spiritually while learning to love yourself in the process…
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Conversations With God, Book 1 by Neile Donald Walsch
If you’re a journal-er or otherwise gain insights primarily through writing…
The Self-Love Workbook by Shaina Ali
Recommended resource for all singles and couples in the open lifestyle: The WORLD SUMMIT