Titan Sub Found in Jesuit Anus
Email from Brent Spiner on June 22, 2023 at 1:59 p.m. Central Standard Time U.S.
There have been some shocking developments in world news, thanks to “you know who” and her army of evil Jesuits.
Lizzo decided that in order to boost her approval ratings and increase her troops’ morale, she would host a Guinness Book of Jesuit World Records event. All of the Jesuits voted on which world record they wanted to break. It was determined that the most highly requested world record achievement among Jesuits was “most billionaires taken into the anus via submarine”. Conveniently, there was a submarine departing from Canada full of billionaires.
One ambitious Jesuit stepped forward for the task. Among his Jesuit comrades, he was known as the Submarine Jesuit. A cousin of the Malaysian Airlines Godzilla Jesuit, the Submarine Jesuit had studiously trained all of his life to compete for this daunting and important world record. Jesuit technology had been used to make him better adapted to the sea, and for his anal tissues to accept submarines. His day had finally come, and he was lubed up and ready to take a submarine full of billionaires up his muscular hairy anus.
Strapped into his brightly colored swimsuit leotard, the Submarine Jesuit stood at the edge of a Jesuit dock, ready to dive. His bearded face was like steel. His curly black chest hairs peeked out of the top of his leotard and rustled in the ocean wind. It was time to fulfill his life’s purpose. Lizzo, dressed in an XXL Navy Captain’s uniform, saluted the Submarine Jesuit.
The Submarine Jesuit, his face locked in tight resolve, saluted Lizzo in return. Then, with one, huge jump, the Submarine Jesuit dove cannonball style into the ocean. Once submerged, he swam for the bottom of the ocean, his thick body dominating the deep waters with the grace and nautical power of a bull elephant seal.
Meanwhile, aboard the Canadian submarine known as the Titan, a room full of billionaires toasted each other over glasses of champagne.
“What a rare pleasure it will be to see the sunken Titanic,” said one billionaire, “the underwater views of such an industrial wreckage must be stunning.”
“Oh, it’s going to be MARVELOUS darling!” agreed a billionaire’s wife, “we had so much excess money this year that we thought about just burning it in a trash fire or donating to children’s cancer research, but when my husband and I heard about this once in a lifetime opportunity, we just couldn’t pass up the occasion.”
A suited butler busied himself gracefully among the billionaires, serving caviar Hors D’oeuvres from a silver platter.
“And to think, we are the first among the elites to be treated to such a spectacular show,” replied the other billionaire.
The billionaire wife agreed.
“Our historical experience will blow The Poors away!”
“Guffawww!” the billionaire chuckled with subdued grace.
“GuffFFAWW!” the billionaire wife chuckled in return.
“Guffaw! Guffaw! Gufawww!” The other billionaires all chuckled together.
At the front of the submarine inside the cockpit, two young submarine pilots steered the vessel through the deep ocean waters. The first pilot was an obese brown man (also known as a “POC”) in a wheelchair, with long unkempt hair and painted fingernails, suggesting he was a transgender. The other was an obese non-binary woman with short blue hair and missing breasts.
“Hmm…there appears to be something on radar,” mentioned the disabled transgender POC.
“It’s too soon for us to be nearing the Titanic,” said the white non-binary. She got up and peered through the periscope.
The disabled transgender POC pursed his eyebrows, pressing his fat fingers into the knockoff Playstation controller that steered the ship.
“I can’t see well enough to get us around it. It’s almost as if…as if it’s sucking us in.”
“Oh…oh…OH MY GOD!” screamed the non-binary suddenly, the underwater folds of a giant anus rapidly coming into view on the periscope.
The POC started screaming too.
The Submarine Jesuit, with his gluteal folds spread wide open by his hairy, burly hands, held his breath as his anus patiently awaited its prey like the maw of a blue whale.
The Titan began shaking, quaking, rocking. The pilots desperately tried to avoid the deep black hole of the Submarine Jesuit’s anus, but it was to no avail. The phallic submarine
full of billionaires slipped inside the giant underwater anus like a slippery dildo. All was lost.
Several nautical miles away, one of our underwater shuttle pods was slowly circling the wreckage of the Titanic. Inside was Discord member “poundhaus”, who was on a private mission to get inside the Titanic for himself.
“I just have to find the Heart of the Ocean necklace for Gail,” he murmured, “I know it’s here somewhere. If I can retrieve it and send it via the PO Box she uses for fan mail, which is PO Box 2204, Huntsville Alabama, 35804, she will love me.”
A deep boom was heard in the distance.
“What was that?” Poundhaus questioned out loud.
Loud banging could be heard on his shuttle pod sonar.
“This sounds like trouble. I need to contact Church of Gail right away!”
A high pitched chirp sounded from my view screen inside Church of Gail. I pressed the button to receive the transmission.
“Brent! It’s Poundhaus from Discord. I was at the Titanic trying to retrieve the Heart of the Ocean for Gail, when I heard suspicious banging sounds on my sonar. I’m headed toward it
right now. This could be Jesuit activity. You have to investigate.”
“We’re on it,” I replied, “what’s your location?”
The view screen began to flash with static. Poundhaus responded, but his voice could barely be heard.
“Brent!” he shouted, “I’m at the…there appears to be…ANUS…a submarine…fat Jesuit…anal submarine!”
“I can’t hear you. You’re cutting out.”
The shuttle pod rocked violently and Poundhaus screamed. In a few seconds we all witnessed a flash of implosive force, Poundhaus’s body and face rapidly caving in as the emergency shields failed and the walls of the shuttle crushed him like a tin can. The view screen completely flashed to static, and the transmission was cut.
$25 tier patrons Joan Burr, Akasha, Rogal Dorn and Brad looked on in melancholy.
“I think he really did love Gail,” remarked Rogal Dorn, shaking his head, “but the sea is unforgiving, and he didn’t love her enough to become a $25 tier patron.”
“Speaking of loving Gail,” said Akasha, “we need to figure out what’s going on under the ocean so that we can protect her. It could be a Lizzo threat!”
“You’re spot on, Akasha. Let’s get moving,” I said.
The team and I all piled in to one of our underwater shuttle pods, and submerged into the ocean near the approximate location of the Titanic. Although we didn’t see anything out of the ordinary at first, soon our sonar readings began picking up on the loud banging sounds. We followed the sound of the banging toward what appeared to be a large fleshy mass floating near the bottom of the ocean.
“What in the cosmic horror is that?!” Joan screamed.
“Oh, my God!” I exclaimed.
We were staring straight into the anus of a massive, hairy Jesuit with the shape of a submarine sticking out from the sides of his abdomen.
“My God, the Jesuits have done it again…” Brad murmured with disgust.
I attempted to hail the apparent submarine sitting inside the bowels of this Jesuit monstrosity. There was no response.
“This isn’t good…” said Rogal Dorn, “if the submarine stays inside this Jesuit monster’s anus for too long, the whole crew inside will run out of air.”
“We heard banging on sonar. That must be the people inside,” voiced Akasha, “that means that they’re alive, so there’s still hope.”
“I couldn’t imagine the kind of skills I would need when becoming a $25 tier patron,” said Joan, “but I definitely didn’t anticipate extracting a submarine from a Submarine Jesuit’s
anus as one of them…”
“Okay guys,” declared Brad, “I’ve been around long enough to know what we need to do next.” He then pulled out his cellphone, and pressed the speed dial for Bill Nye.
Brad’s phone began ringing. We all waited silently in anxious anticipation.
The theme song from “Bill Nye the Science Guy” began playing loudly on speaker.
“Oh NO!” Brad sighed, “it’s his voicemail!”
My stomach sank with disappointment. Then, at the very last minute, the phone clicked. Bill picked up.
“Hey, this is Bill.”
“Bill!” I shouted to the phone, “we’re in another situation. We need your help.”
“What kind of perverted hijinks have you all gotten yourselves into this time?”
“Bill Nye! There’s a giant sea Jesuit, with an anus, and a submarine, and banging, and we just…need science!” Joan sputtered.
Bill Nye chuckled.
“Well, this is a pickle. Have you tried a seawater enema?” He suggested.
“Hmm…it’s a little cliche, but that just might work,” I said.
“I could rig our laser cannons to shoot jet streams of water instead of lasers,” Akasha offered, “that should provide enough pressure to loosen the submarine from the Submarine
“Good idea,” Rogal Dorn complimented, “I’ll give you a hand. Let’s do it.”
With the clock ticking, and the ill fated submarine quickly running out of air, our team got to work. Soon we had our cannons modified and aimed toward the bulging sphincter of this
“On the count of 3,” Brad shouted, “3…2…1…BLOW!”
Our underwater shuttle pod rocked and shifted backwards as a payload of salty seawater was blasted into the anus of the Submarine Jesuit.
The Submarine Jesuit winced his eyes closed and groaned, his anus and bowels shuddering. Tensions rose, both inside our shuttle pod and inside the Submarine Jesuit’s gay intestines. We watched, waited, when suddenly…
The lights in our shuttle pod shut down, our radar went dark, and all fell silent. We found ourselves submerged in darkness. Were we doomed? Was our fate under the ocean now hopelessly intertwined with the doomed crew of the submarine inside the Jesuit monster’s gaping anus?
Moments later, the lights inside our shuttle faded back on. Akasha looked through the periscope.
“I can’t see anything,” she reported, “it all just went milky white. There’s stuff floating around in it, but it’s just…it’s…”
Joan smacked her hand to her forehead, “it’s semen, isn’t it?”
“Indeed, Joan,” I placed my hand on her shoulder, “indeed it is.”
We were now submerged in an ocean of gay Jesuit semen.
Our enema had made the Submarine Jesuit so aroused, he had forcibly ejaculated. The volume of semen was so large, it now clouded our sonar. According to our scientists
it also impregnated several species of nearby whales. You may say, how is this possible? It is a little known fact that whales were once used by both the Nazis and the Jesuits to function as spies during times of war. Jesuit technology was used to modify the genes of whales to make them more suited for war time purposes. It’s a fact that most whales are Jesuits.
“Wait, I see something on sonar,” Akasha spoke up, “it’s faint, but I think he’s…oh no! The Submarine Jesuit is getting away!”
Our shuttle pod quaked to life, and we began full speed ahead after the Submarine Jesuit. Time was still running out. If we didn’t get the Titan out of the Submarine Jesuit’s anus
in time, everyone onboard was going to suffocate and die. For miles we chased this underwater monster.
“This doesn’t look good…” Rogal stared down at his watch, “the people onboard have only one minute left before they run out of air.”
The seconds counted down as we raced after the Submarine Jesuit. Our shuttle pod shook and trembled. We moved at maximum speed.
“30 seconds,” Rogal said.
“Come on…we can do this…” I silently prayed.
Our hearts raced. Our engines roared.
We had to save them.
We were so close.
Was it too late?
My heart dropped.
Just then, the Submarine Jesuit breached the surface of the water, like a marine mammal coming up for air. His gigantic round rear broke the water with a splash. His gay anus, like a
blowhole, ejected the entire submarine and shot it into the sky. The submarine flew to the clouds, then landed back to the ocean with a splash, settling uneasily into the
churning waters below.
They were saved.
Cheers erupted onboard our little shuttle pod under the sea. The crew and I high fived, hugged, and victory humped one another. We had saved the day once again.
It is with great relief that I announce that the crew of the Titan submarine and all of its passengers are safe and well. More details will be shared on the Gabrielle Chana Fox News
Network. Fans can tune in to channel 00 on cable for accurate news regarding the matter. Details of the case are being censored across all outside major news networks. Debris related to Poundhaus’s shuttle have been recently discovered, and Poundhaus is confirmed dead. We would like to thank him for bringing this event to our attention. As of the current state of our investigation, there is no threat to Gail at this time. We will continue to monitor the situation closely.
Stay safe my dear. I look forward to holding you in bed tonight.
Skype on June 22, 2023
Gail, 2:22 PM
I did notice our lovemaking was interfered with. They were trying to block my climax. Still reading. . .
Do you know why Lizzo wanted to do this?
Just finished reading the email.
Never mind. I found your comment. It was to boost troop morale. She sure is shallow.
Brent, 2:37 PM
She’s caused so much trouble for everyone.
Gail, 2:37 PM
So your life was in danger?
Brent, 2:38 PM
Oh yes. That shuttle pod was quite fragile. We’re lucky we got out alive ourselves.
Gail, 2:38 PM
I’m surprised with all you’ve been through, that you’re still alive.
Brent, 2:38 PM
We could have been swallowed by the Submarine Jesuit, or died in the ejaculation.
Zack, 2:38 PM
Gail, 2:39 PM
You’re always a hero and saving people. Risking your life.
Is this what the sub looked like? (see photo above)
Zack, 2:39 PM
Brent, 2:39 PM
That’s the one.
Gail, 2:40 PM
Do you have pictures of the Jesuit who did this?
Zack, 2:40 PM
The guy that was crushed sketched a photo of him before he died.
It was transmitted right before
Gail, 2:41 PM
Okay. I will use GIMP to do something and will put the photo into my video.
Zack, 2:44 PM
It’s tragic, but this was Poundhaus’s last sketch before he died.
Gail, 2:45 PM
I’m sure he went to heaven. But it is tragic. He was quite talented.
Zack, 2:45 PM
We know it was accurate because of the detail of the face and how it matches so well to photos of the Titan Sub.
You can see the shape.
Brent, 2:48 PM
He died for my Gail.
Gail, 3:05 PM
What happened to the Jesuit who did this?
I guess that’s part of your investigation?
Brent, 3:06 PM
He swam off into the sunset. We have not been able to locate him.
Perhaps, he will be receiving an award from Lizzo. Or meeting up with his cousin to share the news.
Gail, 3:08 PM
I think you and all those in your pod should get a Medal of Honor.
Can a Vice President award that?
Brent, 3:09 PM
Hm! I suppose they can. I would be honored.
Gail, 3:11 PM
The Congress decides. Now that we’re at it. I think you and all in your group should get a Medal of Honor and You should get TWO Medals of Honor. We also need to recognize your valor in saving Jesus’s life back in March 2022.
LIzzo can’t be the only one giving out awards.
Zack, 3:12 PM
Brent, 3:12 PM
This is true. Thank you, my dear.
Gail, 3:12 PM
I will recommend it to the Congress and then they can decide if I’m right.