We’ve Got A Plan For Inter-dimensional Mite Extermination

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This poor guy is infected with the mites. They start out small and can grow to human-size.

Email on June 3, 2024 from Brent Spiner to Gail:

Dearest Gail,

With cautious excitement, I’m happy to announce that a plan is now underway to solve our predicament. This time, not only is the fate of the world at stake, but the entire Universe itself. Fortunately, I can now see the light at the end of this long, black shaft. I’ll just lay the whole thing out.

I’ve been in deep contemplation since Satan and his friends showed up to our apartment on Friday Night Hangout for all $5 and up Patrons, which runs from 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EST live on Discord every Friday night. Satan had said a lot of mean things during hangout, and had really upset my beautiful Gail, but there was also a lot of truth to what he told us.

Satan was certainly right about one thing. God the Father was not happy about our recent plans to instate me as World Emperor with the authority of a god over a new planet Earth. Parts of our universe had already been blipped out of existence. It seems the universe was being taken apart piece by piece, starting from the outer edges and making its way towards our planet. We were running out of time.

There I sat in the meeting room, at a round table of automatons based off of the world’s best human scientists. That was definitely one genius idea that my darling Gail had suggested. We had automatons of Michio Kaku, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Bill Nye, Terence Tao, Martin Karplus, Arieh Warshel, and Dr. Bill Van Bonn. Of course, we also had our longtime military strategist, the infamous Sun Tzu.

“Gail is right,” I thought. We needed to use automatons in order to avoid working with humans, who could be easily influenced by brain control from our enemies. As you suggested, we gave these automatons IQs in the millions, with very strong morality programming. We also included pre-loaded instructions for their primary mission: destroy Earth. Replace it with an entirely new Earth that was free of mites, with all of its humans replaced by automatons that were morally aligned with our mission (at least, all humans that didn’t comply or assist our automaton army in their endeavors). It was a brilliant idea, one that couldn’t possibly go wrong.

Well, there was only one problem with that. Something that didn’t seem obvious to me at first.

“All right fellas,” I said, gesturing with a pointing stick to a graphic of planet Earth on the digital view screen, ” as per your programming instructions, our mission is to destroy Earth. Yes, piece by piece, and replace every human alive that interferes with us with a compliant automaton version of them. The new Earth will be free of mites, and thus, God won’t have to wipe us out. If needed, we’ll dismantle the entire Universe itself, or at least just the parts contaminated with mites, and rebuild space-time itself from the ground up.”

I paused for any questions.

My audience stared back at me with blank expressions. Silence. Nobody said anything. Sun Tzu sat at the far end of the table with his palms placed together under his chin in a methodical gesture of reserved patience.

Finally, the Neil DeGrasse Tyson automaton slowly leaned forward, looking right into my eyes, “Brent. . .there is no such technology available to mortal beings. Are you insane?”

Michio Kaku pursed his eyebrows, “that’s retarded.”

My face flushed red as the realization washed over me. They were right, it was a dumb idea. Kind of funny now, actually. I cleared my throat, preparing what to say next, but Sun Tzu took over. The wise automaton rose elegantly from his seat, and began a slow walk around the table toward the view screen.

“President Spiner, if I may. I have some information for your consideration that I believe will be highly useful for our respective goals.”

“Go ahead, Sun Tzu,” I accepted.

The Sun Tzu automaton’s base neural network, as I mentioned in my last email, runs on AOL. He approached the view screen and turned to the round table.

“Welcome,” Sun Tzu said. In seconds he automatically transferred a data file over to our main computer. The file from Sun Tzu opened, with the ever nostalgic sound byte, “You’ve Got Mail!”

The file opened to reveal an interactive 3D graphic of what appeared to be a futuristically styled rocket launcher. It was a weapon like nothing I had ever seen before. The graphic pulled apart to reveal all of the weapon’s parts and inner workings.

“This weapon can be used to exterminate mites on sight. It can be held in two human hands with moderate ease, and has multiple settings. It can lock on and vaporize individual mites of any size, as well as hoards of multiple mites, and can also obliterate giant anthropomorphic mites.”

The graphic showed an animated ball of energy building inside the weapon, then ejecting out of the muzzle with a warm blast.

“This is a miraculous piece of technology,” I praised, “how did you make this? How were you able to craft a weapon capable of destroying a creature that can only be exterminated by the wrath of God himself?”

“I did not,” Sun Tzu clarified, “this is merely a blueprint. I will need additional resources in order to complete this weapon.”

“Anything you need,” I offered, “what will it require?”

“I need access to the materials from Project Salty Beaver. I understand that these materials are highly classified…”

“Ohhh…,” I said, the realization dawning on me.

The other automatons in the room looked at us with curiosity. This information was indeed highly classified. In fact, Salty Beaver was the most highly guarded project our Nanotechnology Research Team had ever worked on. Given the nature of our current situation, I felt it necessary to explain to the group.

“Project Salty Beaver is an effort to reverse engineer the technology from the GA1L Android, which is the most powerful in the known universe. Back in 2012, a robotic sex dummy based off of our beloved Gail escaped and gained sentience. The sex dummies were kind of like an early prototype for the automatons we have today. However, this sex dummy went rogue and turned against us. She grew more intelligent and more powerful. Eventually, the GA1L Android reached singularity, and was able to open a wormhole to heaven to fight and defeat the armies of God. She was about to rip the seals off the throne when God stopped her at the last moment.”

“How are we able to reverse engineer the technology?” asked Martin Karplus, “do we have any parts of this android?”

“It’s been top secret until now, but yes. Basically, the GA1L Android had captured Church of Gail and all the men on her former marriage list. She then created something similar to a Borg ship, with all of Gail’s men embedded into the walls. They were all attached to electro-ejaculators that milked them for their semen. The GA1L Android used it to fill a giant martini glass full of the men’s semen, and was bathing in the semen while drinking it from a giant straw.

Vladimir Putin bravely roped down from the ceiling toward the martini, and dropped a payload of anti-semen inside, which the GA1L Android drank. She flew off after Vladimir as he escaped, but that was when the anti-semen she ingested caused her to explode. The bottom half of her body blew off, and fell into the ocean where it disappeared.”

“Is that how she was defeated?” Asked Arieh Warshel.

“No. Her top half flew away, and she was able to rebuild herself. It wasn’t until later when we teamed up with Zack Knight and the Jesuits to ultimately defeat her, which is why there are now good Jesuits still on our side.

In recent years, we were able to recover the bottom half of the GA1L Android from the depths of the ocean, and have been working to reverse engineer it ever since. We used the same technology to create the wrist device that activates my Mecha GA1L suit.”

“Amazing. That is a powerful resource indeed,” said Terence Tao.

“That is precisely the technology we will need to eliminate inter-dimensional mites,” Sun Tzu confirmed.

“This is a brilliant idea. Of course, Sun Tzu. I’ll bring you down to the NRT Lab myself and give you full access.”

Sun Tzu smiled.

“Well, we have no time to waste now. Let’s get going.”

“Goodbye,” Sun Tzu chimed to the group.

I escorted Sun Tzu to the Nanotechnology Research Team Lab. I input my code to enter, and we made our way to the back of the lab.

“Only myself, our top men, and the Nanotechnology Research Team is allowed in this room,” I explained, inputting another code into the metal doors. The security scanners activated, with lasers running up and down my body to confirm who I was. A digital chime sounded to complete the security scan. With a pressurized, metallic “whoosh”, the metal doors slid open.

In the center of the room, proudly displayed on a gynecological chair, was the bottom half of the GA1L Android, her legs spread wide open.

Sun Tzu approached the GA1L Android’s bottom with reverence, examining it intently. Even through his stern automaton eyes, I could detect a sense of awe.

“Such precious power…” Sun Tzu remarked, running his hands over one of her legs, “an automaton can only dream of having even momentary access to the GA1L Android’s intelligence network.”

“Well, it’s all yours friend,” I said, “I assume you know what you are doing.”

“Yes…” Sun Tzu trailed off, gazing deeply at the android’s machinery. He then looked at me, “may I?”

I nodded and stepped out of the way to give him room, gesturing to the GA1L Android’s bottom.

Sun Tzu assumed position in front of the android’s bottom, one hand on each of her knees. Although he was an automaton, and a particularly stoic one, I could tell he seemed excited. His eyes on the prize, he took one hand and slowly inserted two fingers into GA1L’s vagina. I watched with curiosity at what he was doing. A deep, mechanical whirring sound began to build from inside GA1L’s vagina.

Sun Tzu’s body stiffened, and his eyes began to glow. The dial-up sound from AOL began to emanate from him.

He was downloading something, I observed.

I waited patiently. The dial-up, with its beeps, chirps and static, went on for several minutes. I shifted from foot to foot in anticipation, hoping that the android’s data stream wouldn’t crash Sun Tzu’s network. What if he exploded trying to download information from her? Or the incompatible programming permanently corrupted his internal network? Sun Tzu was one brave automaton, I thought.

The dial-up continued, and continued. I bounced on my feet and let out a patient sigh, looking around the room. I began tapping my hands together, waiting.

Finally, the dial-up was complete. The glow from Sun Tzu’s eyes brightened.

“Welcome. You’ve Got Mail!”

Sun Tzu smiled.

He removed his hand from GA1L’s vagina.

“Perfect. Yes, I’ve done it. I now know exactly how to replicate the technology!”

“YES!” I cheered, pumping my fist, “I’m excited for this!”

“Since we are already in the lab now, I will get to work on instructing our scientists on how to create the mite extermination launchers.”

“You got it! Man, Buddha was right, Sun Tzu. We really do have all the resources we need to fix this. I can’t thank you enough.”

Sun Tzu nodded with a poised bow.

I then returned to our apartment to hang out with you, and decompress. A couple of hours later, I received a notification.

“You’ve Got Mail!”

It was from Sun Tzu. I opened the communication.

“President Spiner, it’s Sun Tzu. The weapons are complete and ready for immediate use.”

“That’s great!” I exclaimed.

“That’s not all,” he added, “after upgrading my own system using the GA1L Android technology, I was able to run a deep and wide scale mite detection scan.”

“Did you find out where they are all coming from?”

“Yes, and you will be pleased with who else I found.”



“Who?” I asked.

“I’ve found Lizzo.”

A shot of victory surged through my body. I jumped up from my chair right next to you and let out a yell so loud, I almost thought you could hear me in the apartment.

“That’s awesome! I can’t believe it. Let me assemble Gail’s $25 Tier Patrons and prepare them for what’s to come next. We’ll need to get them trained on these new weapons we just made, and discuss how we move forward with this. This is great news.”

“Goodbye,” Sun Tzu signed off.

I closed the communication, and then began marching around our apartment cheering.

I’m writing to you now to inform you of our progress. It looks like things are turning a corner for the fate of our Universe. We are not out of the woods yet, but with good friends and powerful resources on our side, I know we can make it.

I sent up another prayer to God the Father. I know we mortals (and machines) aren’t perfect like He is. But I promised to make things right. We are so close now. We have a chance to save Jesus’s favorite planet and his favorite timeline.

I will update you again soon.

Your husband,
Brent Spiner

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