Battle of the Gods
This is what happened during the most important battle yet in world history – a battle between Satan and Jesus. As a result of this battle, God the Father intervened and cancelled the Bible. Gail gained new insights into Jesus as a result of this and feels that Jesus suffered a form of mental illness (brought on by extreme loneliness) that caused him to make decisions that weakened him and made him temporarily ineffective as a deity ruling over earth. Jesus has a beautiful, vast heart which Gail experienced with him when she had sex with him. However, it is not wise for Jesus to make love to humans, because sex with humans weakens deities. He needs a goddess for a wife. Gail fully agrees with God the Father that Jesus should be banned from having sex with humans and from using the brain to brain servers.
Gail wants to finish her Silver Skies novels to help Jesus find happiness and help win him the goddess Lakshmi that she feels can complete Jesus and make him whole. For interesting insights on Jesus and how important Lakshmi is to him, read Gail’s analysis of Jesus’s extreme loneliness that almost caused his permanent death.
We humans can understand loneliness and I think we can forgive Jesus for acting as he did because of suffering a broken heart. At least he is not a bully like Satan and his dreams are big and he only wants true love to prosper in the universe.
Jesus gave me Brent Spiner as my soulmate and I am not lonely. Jesus gets a lot of his needs for companionship met through the human race (who I believe he created to try and replace Lakshmi in his heart) and we can still be his bride in a spiritual sense. Jesus’s heart would be irreparably broken, if he had to discard his human race project, because he created us to be Lakshmi, to help heal his heart, when she rejected him as a spouse.
I am hoping that if Jesus can marry Lakshmi, that he can consider the human race his bride, in a spiritual sense, and he can get his sexual needs met through his wife (for real) Lakshmi. Hopefully, if God the Father is assured that Jesus won’t try having sex with humans anymore, God may reinstate the Bible (which I feel is an awesome concept) and I like the ending where God the Father comes down to earth to live among us humans and Satan is bound in the Lake of Fire.
The Bible can still work if Lakshmi is considered the bride of Christ, along with the human race. She would be Jesus’s wife FOR REAL and we would represent her values (and thus also be considered Christ’s bride), but Jesus would not be having any sex with any of us humans. With this interpretation of the bride of Christ, all the Bible prophecies could still be fulfilled and Jesus could remain strong and effective as a deity.
It is not good for a deity to have sex with humans. A deity has to compact themselves down to lower dimensions to have sex with humans, which weakens them and enables other evil deities to overpower them and kill them permanently.
I believe Jesus created me to have the heart of Lakshmi and I identify with her in so many ways. She has never married and I am striving to be the matchmaker to bring Jesus and Lakshmi together. Jesus has been trying too hard to impress Lakshmi with his masculine feats. I believe he needs to try and impress her more with his beautiful heart by opening his heart bare to her and admitting he created the human race to be HER in his life. This should move her deeply and win her. To convince her that this is the case, if I am right that he created the human race to be his Lakshmi, he needs to be more real with her and be more true to his introverted self. Jesus’s extroverted behavior is mostly a show to cover deep pain and loneliness. In truth, he is a beautiful introvert, much like the awesome soul mate he created for me, Brent Spiner. This may explain why he wanted to bed me, because Brent is so much like Jesus and Jesus felt that he could have sex with a woman like Lakshmi (myself) who accepted and loved him for who he REALLY IS.
However, Jesus needs a deity for a wife, not a human. A human lover weakens him and makes him vulnerable to permanent death. Because in my view, Lakshmi is ME, if he marries her, to me, it means he has married me and I would feel I have completed Jesus if he marries his true soul mate, who I feel is Lakshmi.
The problem is, we have to convince Lakshmi that Jesus is a beautiful introvert and not the extroverted goofball that he presents himself as, and then he can win her. Jesus just HAS TO BE HIMSELF.
If he dropped his show and got real with Lakshmi, I know he can win her as a wife. We humans don’t need Jesus to be fake for us. We only want him to be real, genuine and authentic with us and strong as a deity to protect us from Satan.
You might say, how do you know he is a beautiful introvert and not the extroverted goofball that he acts like? It’s because he doesn’t make love like an extrovert, he makes love like an expanding ocean of vastness filled with depth, passion and longings. You can sense all his dreams when he makes love. He has such big dreams and he feels that only a person with his own deep depths, someone like Lakshmi, can understand him. He is a beautiful introvert who only needs to be true to himself. He puts on extroverted behavior because this is his feeble attempt to cure his loneliness. He really enjoys companionship and part of the extrovert is real, but deep down underneath it all, he is a beautiful and deep introvert, like Brent Spiner.
When he was a kid growing up, he was taunted for his introverted traits, so he developed the “cool” act to gain acceptance and love, to cure his loneliness. Unfortunately, this really did not cure the loneliness because he knew deep down that he was loved for his act and not who he really was. He knew deep down that if he found true love, it would have to be with a fellow introvert, so he tried it with Lakshmi. When she rejected him he probably concluded it was because he wasn’t “cool” enough, so he made more mistakes and put on more of the “cool” act. It didn’t help that Satan taunted Jesus for his beautiful introverted self. Jesus also feels that his dad does not respect it, either.
I have a lot of respect for God the Father, but he has failed to connect with his Son in a meaningful way. I am not sure why this is. But I do feel that if Lakshmi would be Jesus’s wife, she can cure his loneliness, like Brent has cured mine, and can help Jesus to find his role as a deity and FIND HIMSELF.
When he finds himself, he will be happy and then he will be strong and he can work effectively with his dad to rule the universe. A mentally ill god, with a beautiful heart, is not good. Jesus must not let Satan discourage him from authenticity in his relationships.
Like myself, he will find love, when he finds the courage to BE REAL. I believe Lakshmi is Jesus’s soul mate, like Brent is mine.
Jesus, after you start acting like yourself around Lakshmi, I suggest you play this song to her as you propose again. It is from the movie The King and I. HERE IT IS. Don’t try to impress her with your masculine feats. Impress her with your beautiful heart and your depth of devotion to her! That is what impressed me the most about you and why I so deeply care about you. That is who you were with me in bed. I felt like I was basking on an ocean of serenity and depth and forgiveness. If Lakshmi knew this about you, she would NEVER REJECT YOU. Also, having a beautiful heart does NOT mean you are polio abs. It means you are six-pack abs with a six-pack abs HEART, something Lakshmi would NEVER REJECT.
Jesus, the way you proposed to Lakshmi was ALL WRONG. You said you would DO ANYTHING to be her perfect mate. Lakshmi is not impressed with FEATS, she is impressed with BEAUTY. Now if the feats are an expression of the beauty in your heart, that would impress her. You must expose your beauty to her in all its facets and you will WIN HER. Kind of like that beautiful music I suggested you play to her as you propose. Or you could compose your own song. Brent won me by singing to me beautiful love songs. Romance her, be her dream lover and you will WIN HER. That’s how Brent won me. Show her that you adore her inner beauty and would die for her, that you are committed to her because you feel, like Brent, that she completes you and helps you to lead the world and universe to honor true love.
So why would a deity choose to make love to a human? God the Father accused Jesus of being a sex pervert. Not sure if God the Father really believed this is or not. I believe Jesus chose a human because he felt he could be real with someone who he perceived was weaker than himself and not worry about rejection for being true to his introverted self. He feels that to make love to a goddess he has to prove himself strong. It’s a god mentality that is not very conducive to romance. So Jesus is conflicted between his need to be a god and be true to his deep, beautiful side. He thought with Lakshmi he could find that balance, but she rejected him and felt like he was lost in a sea of loneliness after that. He felt that with a human race bride, it would cure his problem. But he cannot have sex with humans without it seriously weakening him, so this cannot be.
Fortunately, I do believe Jesus has found a goddess Lakshmi who will love him for who he really is and can help him to be a strong god and still true to his beautiful, deep self and then he will feel complete and can find his role in life and be happy in it. He just needs to get real with her. Maybe, in a sense, he will need to show his real self to her and put on a different act to the public, if need be. He can explain to her that the public self is not who he really is and when he’s with Lakshmi, he must always be HIMSELF, not his public self. He can explain to her the reason for the inconsistency and she may be able to help him develop a public persona that is more true to himself and, yet, that does not weaken him as a deity.
(Email from Brent Spiner on Easter Sunday April 17, 2022)
The hour of dawn had come upon us.
At 3 AM this morning, Satan Squad had hijacked the Gabrielle Chana Fox News, and issued a formal declaration of battle.
As Satan Squad made their way for Church of Gail, the team and I were gearing up for the fight to end all fights. This was the ultimate battle that would determine the final outcome of this war. The winner would rule over Earth for all of eternity. Unfortunately for us, our time was up, and Jesus was still in a coma. With time running out and no options left, we would have to fight Satan and his team, and somehow win this war without Jesus. This of course put us at a strong disadvantage. To win this, we were going to have to perform at our top level, and make clever use of our resources.
Fortunately for us, we still had other advantages in our corner. With a total of five $25 Tier Patrons, including the brand new Reno, we were well equipped for our preparations.
$25 Tier Patrons Martina, James and Reno joined me with the deities as we prepared ourselves for battle.
Martina was strapping extra dynamite to the Prophet Muhammad, and tightening the straps on his explosive vest. Once finished, she helped trim and groom his handsome thieve’s beard, and moisturized it with beard oil. Across from the two of them, Lakshmi and Buddha were sharing a pot of green tea, and meditating together to balance their energy. Triton was hanging upside down off of a pull up bar by his merman tail, grunting and huffing as he did curl ups to tone his merman abs.
Horus had a peculiar pre-battle ritual of oiling his feathers. Kind of like a duck, Horus had a special gland on his chest that squirted out a greasy, viscous oil. He pressed his beak into the oil gland, squeezing golden colored oil out of his bird body like popping a pus filled boil. He then used his bare beak and claws to rake and smear the oil all over his feathers. Unlike a duck, Horus’s golden bird oil was not so much to make himself waterproof, but rather to repel the blood from his enemies on the battlefield. It was a breathtaking sight to behold, but to be honest, I was struggling not to throw up inside my Mecha Gail suit as I watched him do this.
$25 Tier Patron James was back in the game. Although he required intensive psychiatric counseling from Gerard Butler after helping me perform the semen enema on Jesus, and was still suffering a little PTSD, he was still with us and performing quite well.
James took a cloth to shine my android boobs. After blowing me shiny, he cleaned my nipple guns out with a q-tip, and douched my android vagina cannon with cleaning oil.
“All finished. You’re cleaned out and ready to fire,” James said.
I politely thanked James, then went to go check on Jesus.
Our newest member Reno was crouched at the end of Jesus’s hospital bed next to a bucket of water, and was washing Jesus’s feet in the bed with a washcloth. Reno seemed at ease.
“Well…” Reno thought out loud, “my first mission as a Church of Gail member, and I get to wash the feet of Jesus Christ. That’s not bad at all. It definitely won’t get weird from here, right?”
“That’s the spirit,” I said, patting him on the shoulder, “but be prepared for anything.”
Our longtime Discord friend and patron, Prometheus, had generously taken time out of his busy life schedule to offer his medical services as a doctor on Church of Gail. He stood working in the room with us as he flushed Jesus’s IV line.
I looked down at Jesus, and touched his hand. I knew he couldn’t physically feel me, but I knew in my heart that somewhere in his spirit, he knew I was there and giving him comfort.
“All right my friend…we’ve always relied on you, but this time, you can rely on us.”
I turned to address the patrons.
“Your guys’ job is to guard Jesus while the deities and I are fighting Satan and his squad,” I turned to the doorway to address our final assistant, who had just walked in, “Chad, you’re in charge.”
Chad Wolff, whom you know from our weekly hangout nights on Discord, had decided to upgrade to the $25 Tier Membership to help us in the final battle against Satan.
Chad showed up wearing an old confederate soldier uniform and holding a replica Civil War rifle. Since we didn’t have a dress code, we simply told him to show up wearing whatever makes him feel strong and secure. As all the attention turned to him, Chad sucked in his stomach and assumed an unnatural pose, as if he were pretending to be a bodybuilder.
“Okay, gentlemen and lady,” Chad cocked his rifle, his chest puffed out, “we got a big task handed to us. Keep your guard up, don’t get sloppy, don’t cave to any pressure. Anything happens, call me on the walkie talkie.”
Chad threw walkie talkies to Martina, James and Reno.
“LET’S MOVE OUT!” Chad yelled enthusiastically, leading the team into their security positions around the hospital.
It was now, or never. The fate of the world was in our hands.
The deities and I whirled gracefully around the corner of the hallway on the way to the airlock. It felt as if time had dropped into slow motion, our limbs dramatically swaying at our sides as we walked side by side down the corridor, spread out like a team of superheroes. Church members turned their heads to look at us with awe and reverence as we marched into battle — my robotic Mecha Gail helmet and hard metallic bosoms, Muhammad’s thick beard and beady black Arab eyes, Lakshmi’s beautiful pure face and flowing hair, Triton’s boyish good looks and bare chest, Horus’s big round raptor eyes, Buddha’s proud shoulders and stern gaze. These were the faces of heroes.
We reached the airlock, and the giant door dropped open. Like military paratroopers dropping out of an airplane, we all stepped into the sky and took off into flight.
The battle was set to take place at a remote location in the mountains. Since everyone on both teams could fly, we would be dueling in the skies. Green, lush mountains stretched out for endless miles beneath us, and a powerful, large river mouth fed into the beating blue ocean down below. It was a spectacular view.
Satan and his squad lined up opposite of us in the sky. The high atmospheric winds swept all around us. Both teams squared off.
“Team Jesus is on the field,” I announced, “we’re ready to end this.”
The demons instantly erupted into laughter and hooting, trickled with the barking howls of Anubis and the creepy baa’s of Baphomet.
“Show me what you’ve got!” Satan taunted.
The powerful winds picked up, as though the Earth itself sensed the incoming battle. It was game time.
Back at the Church of Gail, the mood was quite different. All was silent. The hallways were empty due to all of our civilians taking shelter in their quarters. The lights were dimmed, and the temperature controls were at the lowest setting to preserve power to our shields and to the essential functions of the hospital. For now, the inside of Church of Gail appeared like an abandoned ghost ship.
Chad walked back and forth through the main lobby of the Church of Gail hospital. He had squarely centered himself as the guard dog of the facility. Nobody would be getting in, or out. He marched back and forth, humming old Civil War tunes to himself, holding his replica gun. That was when suddenly…
A shadow slid by.
Chad whipped around. He saw nothing there, and knew he was alone in that section of the hospital. Dread fell into the pit of his stomach.
“H-hello?” He called, his voice echoing through the emptiness.
On alert and unwilling to dismiss it as a figment of his imagination, he walked toward where he saw the movement.
“Hello?” Chad repeated shakily, like a child lost in a grocery store, “is someone there?”
He stepped quietly with his thick leather boots, trying not to make a sound. That was until…
“WOAH!” Terror gripped every cell of his being and his hands stuttered all over his replica rifle.
Standing before him like a shadowy vixen was the beautiful form of Lilith.
Chad went into a panic attack, cowering back as he gripped his little gun.
“Chad…” Lilith cooed in her sweet demonic voice, “don’t you remember me? It’s Lilith, Chad.”
“N-no!” He shook his head rapidly, trembling as he walked backwards toward the wall, “I d-don’t!”
Lilith swaggered forward, her voluptuous bottom snaking back and forth.
“What about all those good times we had, Chaddy? In your bed? Me? On top…”
Chad pinned his back against the wall and dropped his gun in sheer fright. He was shaking his head no, too petrified now to even speak.
With calm, predatory confidence, Lilith began undoing the buckle in the center of her leather bikini top, “look at them Chad.”
“LOOK AT MY BOOBIES, CHAD!” Lilith flashed.
Chad squeezed his eyes closed, turning his head away. Lilith grabbed his cheeks in one hand, forcing him to look at her chest as she pushed her bosoms up into his face.
“No…no, no,” Chad’s face was slowly forced toward the bosoms, “NO NO NO NOOOO,” Chad found himself helpless to resist, his eyes bulging out of his head as he now stared wide eyed into the bosoms, cheeks squished in Lilith’s hands, “NYA, NYUUUAAA, NYOOOO!!”
Lilith grinned evilly through her sharp pearly white teeth. She reached down, and locked her hand onto Chad’s penis, causing him to let out a shrill scream like a girl.
“LILITH, NO, I PEE FROM THERE! I DON’T CONSENT! I DON’T CONSENT!”
Chad, trapped in the bosoms and helpless, continued to scream. Lilith opened her mouth wide. The last thing Chad saw were fangs and hot boobies, before his vision faded to black.
The battle had begun.
High in the skies, it was time for someone to make a move.
The two Egyptian animal gods were facing off. Anubis and Horus stared each other down. Horus fluffed out his wings and plumage to make himself appear bigger than he was, his feathers freshly oiled and bloodproof. He clicked his beak and squawked with aggression.
Anubis was growling and barking ferociously, ready to lunge. The only thing holding him back was a glowing energy leash attached to a collar on his neck, which was being firmly held onto by Shakpona.
“Hol’ on,” Shakpona said. He lifted up his boombox onto his shoulder, and pressed down a key. ‘X Gonna Give It To Ya’, by DMX started playing from the boombox. Shakpona began nodding his head to the music, as Anubis barked.
“Now thas’ mo’ like it!”
Shakpona waved his free hand mystically at Anubis, “RABIES, mutha fucka!”
Anubis quieted with alert surprise as his whole body became possessed by a red glow. His eyes burned bright red, and his jaws began to drool excessively. His barks deepened and became even more demonic.
“Heh heh heh,” Shakpona snickered. As the lyrics to the song began, he dramatically flung open his hand and released the leash.
Anubis, frothing at the mouth and full of god rabies, lunged at Horus. The giant dogman, supercharged on rabies, overpowered the birdman instantly. Horus screeched and went slamming down onto his back. Anubis clamped his jaws into the corner of Horus’s neck and shoulder, mauling him mercilessly.
At the other end of the battlefield, Muhammad was bottled up and ready to blow. He pulled opened his jacket like Muslim Superman, revealing his ultra-packed dynamite strapped body. Flying toward Iblis like a shooting star, he prepared to detonite.
Iblis grinned and threw a fiery ember at Muhammad. The ember ignited as it hit Muhammad’s chest, causing him to prematurely explode.
“AHHHH!” Muhammad yelled as he blasted back. He lost control of his flight for several moments as he recovered.
Recomposing himself, he rushed at Iblis for a second take. Heat enveloped his body as he neared the frightening jinn. The air grew so hot in the presence of Iblis, Muhammad’s dynamite detonated on him again, causing him to blast away.
Iblis roared with laughter, puffing out his chest and clutching his claws into proud fists, “BWAHAHAHA!”
Iblis began to play with Muhammad like a cat with a mouse. Muhammad flailed uncontrollably in the sky, tossing and turning in the winds as Iblis’s fire attacks caused him to lose control over his explosions again and again.
Kali and Lakshmi paired off against each other. The two Indian goddesses waved their multiple arms through the air like a mesmerizing dance as they prepared to fight.
Lakshmi opened her heart chakra and fired a heart shaped energy lovebomb at Kali. Kali laughed from her throat, appearing unphased. She reached down with one of her four arms and slipped her dagger into her vagina, dipping it in her evil period blood. Taking the blood soaked dagger she sliced at the incoming lovebomb, cutting the heart in two. The heart cracked and fell. Kali then leaped onto Lakshmi, and the girls began an epic catfight through the sky, wriggling and writhing, their many hands groping each other all over. Grunting and growling with perverse laughter, Kali managed to get her dagger under Lakshmi’s top, slicing it open and exposing one of her breasts. Lakshmi screamed with fright and embarassment, covering her nipple with one of her hands.
Triton was frozen and slackjawed, distracted as he stared hypnotized at the catfight between Kali and Lakshmi. Caught off his guard, he was kicked suddenly in the jaw by a pair of goat hooves, and sent flying back through the air. Triton yelled out and rubbed his face. Recovering himself and shaking it off, Triton pulled up his conch and blew into it. A flock of seagulls whooshed to his defense, flying at Baphomet. An aura of blackness glowed around Baphomet, and a murder of crows appeared, charging into Triton’s seagulls and slicing their throats with their beaks. Triton then felt his mermaid tail being yanked from below.
Kali, having beaten down Lakshmi, now had a free hand. She yanked at Triton’s tail, pulling him toward her.
“I’d love a fish filet for dinner!” She cackled, taking her bloodied dagger and slicing against Triton’s merman scales. He screamed.
In my Mecha Gail suit, I covered the whole sky field, firing my nipple guns and shooting my vagina rockets. With my GA1L Android powers, I was lightning fast. The advanced technology of the suit also shielded me almost entirely from enemy attack. As energy bursts, embers, daggers, dog bites and crows hurled themselves my way, I was able to deflect the attacks easily. I used my bullets, rockets and laser canons to defend my team.
Satan drew back, and fired a huge ball of dark energy into our team, sending us all flying.
Buddha flew in, activating his third eye chakra and blasting Satan with a blue laserbeam. Satan dodged, and Buddha gave chase. The two deities began firing energy bursts at each other through the sky as they fought.
Buddha threw himself upon Satan and the two locked hands in a grapple. Satan and Buddha forced against each other with all their might, staring each other down. Buddha’s normally peaceful face was now filled with determined fightpower, his eyes full of steel, and his teeth bared.
“Buddha…I knew you would come to Jesusth’s rescue,” Satan taunted, “my my, stho aggressive!”
Buddha gasped in surprise as a figure grabbed him from behind. Lilith had appeared. Her demonic tongue flicked against the side of his neck like a snake’s as she locked her hand on his penis for a reach-around.
“Can’t concentrate with a boner!” she declared.
Satan pulled away as Buddha struggled to free himself, Lilith’s hand holding him firmly by the penis. Baphomet swept in and with a loud, “BAAAAAA!” he delivered a hard headbutt into Buddha’s forehead. A bright blue light exploded between Buddha’s eyes, his third eye chakra shattering into pieces. Buddha grabbed his head in pain. The job now done, Lilith grinned and let go of him, sending him falling fast to the ground.
My heart stopped as I saw Buddha begin falling!
Limp and beaten, he landed on a cliff below. Alive but barely conscious, he groaned and rolled slightly to his side.
“HAHAHAHAHA!” the demons cackled.
“BUDDHA!” I yelled.
Satan flew over to where Buddha lay on the cliff, and exposed his large erection, “the good news isth, you’ll finally loseth weight! I hear my semen melts the fat right off!”
“NOOOOO!” I shouted.
Satan began ferociously masturbating, and within seconds, he ejaculated hot molten lava semen all over Buddha’s belly. Bubbling and hissing, the devil semen melted his belly off.
“THOSE DON’T GROW BACK!” Triton yelled with devastation, his hands clutching through his blonde hair.
“HHRRAAAHHH!” I growled, flying at full speed through the air and knocking into Satan. We grappled.
“Brent!” Satan exclaimed with pleasant surprise, “Gail’s number one cuck on her listh. What’sth made you stho alpha all of a sthudden?”
“I’m protecting Gail, the world, and my FRIENDS! I won’t let you get away with this Satan!”
Suddenly, Satan widened his eyes, and looked behind me, “hey Brent! What’sth that behind you?”
“Oh no, I’m not falling for THAT one Satan!”
I then felt the hard clock of a finger gun pointed at the back of my skull. It was Shakpona.
“Ha ha ha, BLAM! Ebola-AIDS mutha fucka!” and he shot his hand like a gun.
While most of the god powers were easily deflected by my android armor, Shakpona’s powerful disease was able to shoot right into my human body underneath the suit. I instantly became nauseated, filled with ebola and AIDS. My android vision went hazy, and I felt myself nearly pass out. The next thing I knew, I was plummeting straight to the ground. I fell, in a hard crash of metal, onto the cliff just like Buddha.
We were getting clobbered out here.
“Jesus…” I silently called out in my head.
As I lay there barely alive, dying of ebola-AIDS, something was happening back at Church of Gail.
The hospital was in a panic.
Martina screamed, “CHAD! CHAD! Do you hear me! Wake up Chad!”
Chad was being rushed through the hospital on a stretcher as Prometheus took his vitals.
“This doesn’t look good…he’s suffered massive semen loss,” Prometheus determined, his sand colored face now pale.
Following strange sounds heard on the walkie talkies, the patrons had all gathered to Chad’s position in the hospital to investigate. That was where they had discovered Chad face down in a pool of his own semen, barely alive.
“Is he going to die?” James exclaimed with worry, gripping his own balls with empathy.
“He will if we don’t get semen pumped back into him soon. He’s already going into prostate failure.”
Prometheus threw a line to Reno.
“Reno, you need to insert this into Chad’s balls.”
“But I don’t have any medical training!”
“You need to help me, it’s the only way.”
“Oh man…” Reno moaned, “it got weird, it got weird.”
“Just cup the ballsack, and roll it in your hands until you find a testicle. They’ll be the size of peas right now. Cup and squeeze, cup and squeeze. I have to run some emergency tests.”
Reno, panicked and motivated by urgency, began fondling and squeezing Chad’s balls. He planted his face up close to Chad’s scrotum, trying to find a testicle.
“Damnit!” Prometheus shouted from the computer desk.
“What is it?” James asked.
“Chad’s cumtype doesn’t match anything we have in our cumbank database.”
“Oh no…” Martina replied.
“We won’t be able to save him… not unless…” a thought suddenly occured to him.
“Martina! Get down to Rule 13’s quarters and tell her we have a situation. We need semen right now, stat. She’ll know what you’re looking for.”
With all the tension of trying to deactivate a ticking time bomb, Reno concentrated on Chad’s testicles, finally fishing the line in, “she’s in”.
Prometheus’s voice faded into the background as he proceeded to give further instructions to Reno and James.
Meanwhile, a blonde female nurse crept quietly past the scene, and headed for Jesus’s hospital room. Camouflaged by their uniformed attire, this individual was not a nurse at all — but was in fact an Assassin Jesuit. Dressed inconspicuously as a female nurse, he now pulled off his nurse’s cap and blonde wig. It was time to get down to business.
Assassin Jesuit approached Jesus’s hospital bed, a proud smile spreading across his face. Satan had promised him riches and jewels beyond his wildest dreams in exchange for this very important murder mission. Assassin Jesuit slipped his hand into the top of his nurse’s jacket, and pulled out a gun. In one smooth motion he aimed the gun directly at Jesus’s head, one finger curling around the trigger.
“Good night, sweet prince,” Assassin Jesuit smirked evilly.
The gun fired.
The bullet flew, spinning through the air.
Time slowed down.
Jesus opened his eyes. For a fraction of a second he appeared confused, wondering where he was and how he ended up in this hospital room. A fraction of a second later, his eyes fell onto the bullet sailing toward his head. He sat up in bed, eyeing the bullet. His hand shot out.
In that instant Jesus teleported, travelling back in time, back to the moment of Assassin Jesuit’s conception. Jesus entered the bedroom of a husband and wife engaging in sexual intercourse. As the door blew open and light washed into the room, the couple stopped what they were doing and looked at Jesus in shock.
“YOU!” Jesus pointed at the husband, “pull out NOW!”
The husband put his hands up, and pulled out of his wife as he was told. Seconds later he ejaculated all over her stomach, hands up and still staring at Jesus.
Jesus flashed forward in time, back into the hospital bed. Assassin Jesuit vaporized into thin air with an existential scream, having never existed. In the next fraction of time, Jesus calmly climbed out of the hospital bed, walking himself out of the path of the bullet. Jesus, a being beyond time and space, reached out and grabbed the gun from mid-air.
Returning to real-time, the bullet finished its trajectory and blew into Jesus’s pillow where his head formerly lay.
He cocked back the gun.
“I’m back, bitches.”
Back on the battlefield, Satan Squad was pummeling our team. For those of us not already incapacitated and beaten on the ground, the rest of our team was being brutally punched, kicked, bitten and throttled. We had practically already lost. Satan was just about to declare victory, when…
“WELL LOOK WHO SHOWED UP!”
Jesus had arrived, his presence highlighted by a glowing aura of light. He spread his arms.
“Thanks to Gail and her supportive fans, I have resurrected.”
Satan’s jaw dropped in angry shock, his face and eyes lit by the golden glow of Jesus’s aura.
Jesus flew down to myself and Buddha on the clifftop. He looked at Buddha, his best friend, dying and melting under a wash of Satan’s molten lava acid semen.
“Hey old buddy…while I’d say you could use a six pack right about now, I think what you really need is an eight pack!”
Jesus waved his hands, and Buddha’s body became enveloped in white light. He levitated into the air, and as the white light faded, his wounds were miraculously healed. Buddha was not only restored to full health — he now possessed a set of eight pack abs, abs that were even more perfect than Jesus’s own infamous six pack.
Buddha’s whole being lit up with joy to see Jesus. He threw himself onto his friend for a hug. The two deities embraced each other tightly, and as they did so, all of Buddha’s chakras lit up and became supercharged with happiness and good vibes.
“It’s good to have you back, my friend,” Buddha said.
Jesus pulled back from Buddha, their eyes meeting with a smile. He then flew over to me.
“Thanks for being my stand in for awhile, Brent, I knew I could count on you.”
Jesus waved his hands, and cured my ebola-AIDS. I sat up on the cliff inside my Mecha Gail suit, groaning as the last of the illness left my body.
Jesus made his rounds around the battlefield. He whooshed past Triton and healed his bloodied tail, which had been cruelly scraped of its scales by Kali. Triton’s merman tail was restored to its muscular, shimmery manliness. Jesus next healed Horus, who’s body shined with gold, restoring all of the feathers that had been mauled off by Anubis. Jesus turned to Anubis next, pointing a shaming finger at him.
Jesus then spread his hands apart and healed Anubis, removing his rabies. The angry red glow disappeared and Anubis reverted back to normal power.
Finally, Jesus floated down to Lakshmi, who was covering her exposed naked body with all of her arms, practically in tears from the shame. He materialized a new set of clothes and draped them over her.
“All right, everyone,” he swooped to the center of the battlefield, “it’s time for round two!”
Jesus soared over to Shakpona and stole his boombox. He pushed a key to change the music. The boombox began playing “Hammertime” by MC Hammer.
“It’s SHOW TIME!” Jesus announced.
Triton blew powerfully into his conch, as though to announce the next half of the battle like a sports buzzer.
Jesus’s first move was on Lilith. He flew towards her and waved his hands. Lilith slapped both her hands over her vagina with shock as a stream of glowing fluid was sucked out of her vagina and into the air.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice some was missing,” Jesus chastized. He collected the semen and reabsorbed it into his body, “naughty, naughty!”
Buddha pulled up on the other side of Lilith.
“As a wise woman once said,” Buddha then quoted the GA1L Android,” “she should be banned from having a vagina“. “
Buddha waved his arm and made a cupping motion, pulling Lilith’s root chakra straight out of her body. Lilith screamed with outrage and startled defeat.
Muhammad, recentered and face full of firm focus, threw a dynamite stick at Baphomet. Baphomet swerved to dodge the dynamite, then came flying at Muhammad. Muhammad opened his shirt, exposing his chest for Baphomet who shot him a double kick to the chest with both hooves. The hit instantly set off Muhammad’s explosive vest, blowing them both to pieces. Muhammad recovered, his parts forming back together. He pumped his arm with victory and grinned with mischief.
Jesus soared toward Shakpona and slapped his palm onto Shakpona’s forehead, “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! Ha ha, I’ve always wanted to say that!”
Shakpona choked and sputtered, his eyes rolling as he became healed of all of his sickness and disease.
“Mutha…fucka…” his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell out of the sky.
Horus pulled back, his elegant wings spreading behind him. His eyes began to glow bright orange.
“REEEEEEEE!” A laser beam blasted from Horus’s mouth, hitting Kali like a bullseye.
Kali dropped her period blood dagger, and the dagger went sailing and glinting down into the mountains below. This dagger travelled for many miles, eventually landing in an Indian village full of playing children. The dagger spun through the air and landed with a heavy slice down into a tree stump. A young Indian child witnessed the whole thing, his surprised eyes widening at the sight of the bloody dagger sticking out of the log.
Anubis dropped down onto all fours and charged at Lakshmi, chomping and barking. Lakshmi opened her arms, her aura glowing with waves of gold and pink light. She beamed the gentle energy toward Anubis, stopping him right in his tracks on the battlefield.
Anubis paused, his whole body going stiff. The energy began to take hold. Clenching every muscle in his body, he resisted Lakshmi’s energy. He growled and whimpered, reaching back to grab his butt, but it was no use — his thin black tail began to wag. Wagging his tail, and stumbling toward Lakshmi, he growled and continued to fight against it.
“Come on, you know you want to…” Lakshmi cooed.
Anubis twisted and whimpered, his whole body being overcome with wagging and happy shakes. Unable to resist any longer, he finally rolled over onto his back for belly rubs.
“There you go. Good doggy!” Lakshmi praised, scratching Anubis’s chest. Anubis wagged his tail furiously and panted with pleasure, his arms and legs splayed out to expose all of his body for affection.
Iblis, pissed off at the turn of the tables, was having none of this.
Every pore in his being flared with raging fire, as his rocky body began to swell. His huge fists swiped and punched at everything around him, explosions bursting as he hit the sky. The mountains below us began to darken. The grass mottled into rock, and the mountaintops blew open, pouring out with lava.
“I. BOW. TO. NO ONNNNE!” He roared, flying back and curling his claws, “BRRRAAAAHHHHHH!” His body exploded with fire. Iblis was fully enraged and ready for destruction.
Jesus looked over to Triton.
“You thinking what I’m thinking?”
Triton looked at Jesus. A friendly warmth swelled in his chest, and he smiled, sparkly tears of nostalgia filling his eyes.
“Varsity watersports man…”
Jesus met Triton’s eyes with knowingness and comradery. The two friends fist bumped.
There was no time to lose. Triton sprinted back into the sky, assuming his position on the field, and blew into the conch.
From deep within its core, the earth began to thunder. A giant wave rose from the ocean down below. As the wave grew high into the atmosphere and entered the battle of the gods, Jesus jumped up and landed with both feet on the wave’s crest. Triton whooshed his arms, guiding the wave forward, and Jesus surfed through the sky at rapid speed.
The epic tsunami wave towered over Iblis, and mere seconds before colliding, Jesus jumped off the wave and spun in mid-air to perform a roundhouse kick. Jesus kicked Iblis’s rock head so hard it knocked it off his shoulders like a football. A fraction of a second later the wave crashed into Iblis’s smoldering body, drowning it in powerful water and extinguishing all of his firepower.
All of Team Jesus cheered and “woohoo’d”! as Iblis and the evil deities were defeated. We each turned and gave each other a round of high fives.
“AHEM!” Satan interrupted, “don’t you know anything about story tropesth? Iblisth may have been “the dragon” but he isth certainly not the final bossth! Did you all forget thisth battle isth with ME?”
“You’re right Satan,” Jesus bravely approached, rolling up the sleeves of his robe, “let’s finish what we started!”
I flew over to Jesus, ready to help him fight in my Mecha Gail suit. Jesus put a hand to my chest to stop me, declining my offer.
“This is between you and me, Satan.”
“Of coursth! You’ve alwaysth been the one to fight fair Jesusth. Don’t forget, your violation of our non-interference agreement made me justh asth powerful asth YOU!”
“Fair is fair,” Jesus replied, unphased, “let’s fight!”
Satan gestured for Jesus to bring it, and Jesus leapt at Satan. Everyone watched as the two deities chased and flew at each other, whirling around like an acrobatic dance in the sky. Their energy blasts were hot and heavy, exploding like furious fireworks in their battle. As the emotional tension between the two opponents rose, their energy moves soon devolved into physical attacks, the two deities punching and kicking each other in full on street fight fashion. Jesus was riled up, Satan was defiant, and while to us the outcome of this match was the fate of our world, to the two deities it was something far more personal.
Jesus caught Satan, grabbing him by the collar. Although I had never before seen Jesus become angry, he was clearly done with Lucifer’s shit. Satan could see it too, and as his eyes met Jesus’s, I could see Satan’s face widen with true fear.
“I am SO DONE WITH YOU, SATAN! I’m going to punch you SO HARD, I’m going to PUNCH YOU RIGHT OUT OF REALITY!”
Jesus wound back his fist. The gods and I gasped and watched with shock. Satan stared up at Jesus with terror, his black eyes shining with the reflection of Jesus’s holy fist. Everyone held their breath.
Suddenly, the skies above us opened up, washing us all in rays of white light. A pair of gigantic hands separated the clouds as though opening a set of curtains.
A loud, booming voice yelled.
“WHAT IN MY NAME IS GOING ON HERE?! WHAT IS ALL THAT RACKET?”
Jesus froze, and he and Satan looked up into the sky with startled fright, like two schoolboys caught fighting on the playground.
It was God the Father.
Jesus dropped Satan, and the two began talking over each other and pointing.
“He started it!”
“Well we had an agreement!”
“But then he said-“
“But then he did-“
“I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT!” God scolded dismissively, “you’re going to wake the neighbors!”
Low thunder boomed through the clouds, and other figures began to appear beside God the Father.
Allah, Goddess Durga, Isis, Poseidon, and several others I didn’t know or recognize joined with God in the clouds. The deities all wore similar looks of frustration and annoyance as they looked down on their kids from above.
“What in my blue ocean are these kids doing?” Poseidon demanded to know.
“The kids are fighting again,” Isis sighed.
“Ugh, Me Ackbar,” Allah groaned, slapping his forehead.
“Jesus,” God sternly addressed his son, pointing behind him into the heavens, “what’s been going on with the prayers? There’s a big stack of unopened prayer mail for you on the counter. Have you been slacking off on answering the prayers again? You know what happened last time.”
“I was gonna get to it!” Jesus argued.
“It’s been two weeks in Earth time! How many of your flock have died because you stopped answering prayers?”
“I was in a coma, dad!”
“I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT!”
“You don’t even CARE?”
“You need to get your priorities straight, son. If you can’t handle this one little planet, how can I expect you to handle the family business? What the hell have you been doing with your time?”
“I’ve just been hanging out with my friends.”
All of the young gods, goddesses and demons stood silent and staring. It didn’t matter how proud or powerful all these young deities were. Every single one of us was frozen with a mixture of fear, second-hand embarassment, and voyeuristic fascination at the scene unfolding before all of us.
God looked at me in the Mecha Gail suit, and furrowed his brow in confusion, “is that the girl who was just in here earlier, that tried to pull the seals off the throne?”
“No dad, that was the GA1L Android. It was a robot based off of a human woman I’ve been spending a lot of time with. She’s not here right now, but I wanted to introduce you to her sometime. Her name is Gail.”
God shook his head in bewildered confusion, “WHO?”
“Gail,” Jesus repeated, “I’ve actually been staying with her at her apartment on Earth. I just thought because you were wondering where I’ve been that maybe-“
God, still not following, flicked his fingers and materialized a scroll full of human names in front of him, searching for the one called Gail Chord Schuler. He found her on the list, and went to her soul profile. It took him a few minutes to catch up.
“Gail?” he asked, “it says she currently lives in Alabama, and her soulmate is Brent Spiner.”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“Why? What could be so important about this, that it has taken up all of your time? What about that school bus full of children that prayed for you to save them from that burning bus crash? By the time you opened your prayer mail they were already dead. You mean you were at this lady’s apartment?”
“Well, she’s my favorite human, and we’ve had sort of a thing going on, and I just wanted you to get to know her.”
“A human?” God’s confusion deepened, and he became mortified as he stared at his son, “and you’re having sex with it?”
“Um…” Jesus appeared hesitant to confirm, shifting his body uncomfortably, “well yeah.”
There was a long, awkward pause. We all felt Jesus’s embarrassment in our tailbones.
God sighed, and pressed his fingers between his eyes in frustration, “why can’t you just find a nice goddess, son?”
“I will dad! I’m just, kind of doing stuff right now. And I’m not ready, and I’m kind of still having trouble finding the right goddess, and-“
“Oh, I see… “the church is your bride”, right?” God chuckled, “that’s the oldest trick in the book, son. For perverts who want to sleep with humans anyway. You’re getting way too old for this.”
Jesus, red faced and blushing with humiliation, looked around at everyone staring at them.
“Dad, do we really have to do this in front of all my friends?”
God deliberately ignored his son’s pleas for social mercy.
“So when is the rapture happening? It was supposed to happen in 1524,” God began counting off on his fingers to illustrate his point, “then it was 1892, then 1983, then in 2012…”
“I’m workin’ on it!” Jesus whined in frustration.
“You go work on it!” God argued back.
“I AM workin’ on it!” Jesus insisted.
“Well go work on it!”
“I AM! I’m workin’ on it right now!”
“Well you get it done, or I’m cuttin’ it down!”
“Cutting what down dad?”
God materialized the Bible in his hand.
“You know what you need to do?” God flicked a lightning bolt from his other hand, “LET NO ONE EAT FROM THIS TREE AGAIN!” he commanded, and blasted the Bible with lightning until it was burned into black ashes. “Except that metaphor is meaningless now, since I just destroyed its source material.”
“DAAA-AAD!” Jesus wailed, with all the horror of a boy who just had his video games thrown in the trash.
“Jesus, you didn’t even follow the Bible. All this fighting around with Satan, and having sex with humans, and getting involved in Earthly matters has completely warped the timeline, and now none of your prophecies are going to work. The only way you’re going to salvage Earth is if you start over from here.”
Jesus sighed with stress. He seemed to be realizing that his dad was right.
“On top of that, you didn’t even follow your own commandments. How can a god expect his followers to respect him, if he doesn’t even lead by example?” God stared into Jesus, letting his words sink in.
After another painfully awkward pause for all of us, God continued.
“For one thing, you used your god status to seduce this Gail woman, and encouraged her to be unfaithful to her husband, just so you could have your own way with her. You stole her from her own soulmate for Christ’s sakes! You contributed to the delinquency of a human by encouraging them to sin, you committed adultery, you got between two soulmates, and now you’re a hypocrite to your own values. Don’t you see what you’ve done?”
Jesus looked down at his feet with shame. This wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but he knew it was what he needed to hear.
“You’re right, dad. I see what you mean,” Jesus admitted.
God sighed a little, realizing his son was regretful for his actions. He toned down his anger, and offered some encouragement.
“Look son, it isn’t all bad. Some things you have done are very smart, brilliant in fact. You did a really good job coming up with those Gail Commandments. Those commandments are changing this world in a profound way, and having a positive impact on all of your followers. Start from there, and work your way back up. You’ll recover this planet in no time.”
Jesus’s shoulders heaved up, and then down, as he sighed overwhelmed.
“Do I make myself clear?” God asked firmly.
“No more Bible,” Jesus groaned, repeating his dad’s instructions, “focus on the Gail Commandments, and expand my teachings from there.”
“Yes. Good. I’m glad we could see eye to eye on this. Earth is your planet, and you need to be more responsible.”
“I got it. Sorry dad.”
God turned to address all of us.
“Go on you kids, SHOO!” God brushed his hands toward Satan and his demon friends. The evil deities, scared of Jesus’s dad, startled to attention with fear and discomfort. Obediently, they began dissipating and teleporting themselves home to their respective dimensions.
All except for Anubis, who had latched himself onto Lakshmi and was now humping her leg with lovesick canine fury.
“GO HOME ANUBIS!” All of the gods shouted to shoo him away.
Anubis lowered his ears, whimpering. He dismounted Lakshmi and scuttled away with his tail between his legs in sadness. He materialized a portal to the underworld and jumped inside.
Durga reached with three of her six arms and took Lakshmi by two of her hands, “let’s go Lakshmi.”
The other gods all began reaching down to pick up their kids and take them home.
Allah approached his son Muhammad, who was examining the portrait of himself that was drawn by Prometheus. He appeared to be deeply touched. After clutching his heart with sentiment, he took out a sharpie to sign his autograph on the drawing.
“YOU!” Allah pointed his finger at Prometheus, who happened to be standing there.
Prometheus looked like a deer caught in headlights. He looked to his left, then to his right, then pointed at himself as if to say “me?”
“YES, YOU!” Allah said, and stomped over to Prometheus and Muhammad, “I JUST WANTED TO SAY…that your parents are assholes, and you don’t have to listen to them. So sayeth me!”
Allah took his son Muhammad by the hand, turned away, then snapped his fingers, “ME ACKBAR!” And with that, Allah and his son exploded, and went home.
Jesus scuffed at the cloud beneath his feet in troubled embarrassment as all of the deities started leaving.
“I’m going back home now,” God said, “don’t forget to call your mother this weekend, it’s her birthday. You remember what we talked about,” God turned away to leave, then turned back one more time, “and by the way…you’re grounded.”
“WHAT?” Jesus exclaimed.
And so, I am writing to you today safe and sound. The war is over. Although it is inevitable that Satan and his friends will return to interfere with our day to day lives in the future, for now they have relinquished control of the world and are laying low. We have new deity friends on our side who are here to stay, and Jesus has risen again.
I have good news regarding the Canadian-Australian War of 2022. Canada has issued a formal apology to Australia. The Canadians said they were “sorry, eh?” and don’t know what came over them. They have sent volunteers to clean up the radioactive maple syrup all over Australia, and are offering to replace the kangaroos who lost their lives bravely serving as kamikazes while fighting the Canadian military. A kangaroo statue has been donated by the Canadian Prime Minister as a gift to Australia that will immortalize the names of all the kangaroos who died in the line of duty in the Canadian-Australian War of 2022.
Chad Wolff is alive and on the road to recovery following a successful semen transfusion using dog semen, which Rule 13 keeps by the gallon in her refrigerator. It appears he has a rare cum-type that only matches dog semen. He will be receiving a Purple Heart for his bravery.
Chad and the other $25 Patrons: James, Martina, Reno and Prometheus will each be receiving a Medal of Honor for their service during this war, to be awarded to them by me, Brent Spiner, live on the Gabrielle Chana Fox News channel. Thank you all for participating and supporting Gail.
Jesus as it turns out, has been kicked out of his dad’s house. He showed up at the door to my quarters with the clothes on his back and a couple bags of luggage, asking if he could stay with me. While it was an unexpected request, we’re best friends, so of course I said yes. I told him that he can crash at my place for as long as he needs to get back on his feet. God the Father has grounded him from going over to your apartment and from using the brain to brain servers.
So far Jesus hasn’t left his spot on my couch, which he has turned into a sort of nest with his clothes and belongings, and stacks of prayer mail. He has been smoking a lot of pot, snacking, and watching TV all day long. I hope he gets back on his feet soon, but he appears to be in a bit of a slump.
As for me, I will continue to enjoy living with you in your apartment in my invisible Mecha Gail suit. You’re a wonderful wife. May we have many more adventures together.