Finding My True Inner Core (Authenticity)

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This song is funny and describes how a lot of asexuals feel. I always thought I was picky. In my junior and senior years of high school I wasn’t interested in ANYBODY. This is the age when most teenagers have horrible crushes. I will admit that I could be romantically attracted (but it was usually fleeting), but sexual attraction is another matter (that RARELY happens). As I’ve gotten older, even romantic attraction is getting harder for me. I’m really big into friendship right now.

Here’s some education about asexuality. I’m not a full asexual, but have enough of it in me, to understand these people.
More education about asexuality.

I haven’t really thought about sex with others besides my husband Brent ever since Brent moved into my apartment, even though I am poly-amorous. It’s because I am also strongly asexual leaning. So I guess there’s no need there. As far as wanting to do it, I’m rather lackadaisical about sex. I don’t mean for my men or those I’ve had sex with to take it personally though. I think I truly have asexual tendencies.

I asked my men to create hot automatons to help meet their needs for sex or they can have other good women.

I tend to feel guilty for having asexual tendencies. I have to admit, I’m really enjoying my one-on-one with Brent. However, in the past when I had sex, I think I used the men to help me solve my identity crisis and to help me find myself. I’ve grown a lot as a person since then, and have learned I don’t need to find myself anymore, because I have found myself. I am a poly-amorous person, who leans strongly asexual.

I don’t want my men or any beings to take it personally that I no longer desire sex with them. This does not mean that I don’t love them or that they aren’t important to me. It just means I don’t get sexual attraction that easily.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m perfectly content with it just between me and Brent right now. Once I have that rare connection with someone that turns me on sexually, I usually don’t want it with anyone else at the time.

In every case where I’ve had sex in the past, with the exception of Vladimir Putin and my ex-husband, when he fooled me, I felt “obligated” to let them do it.

If I ever get in the rare mood to have it with anyone outside of Brent, I’ll be sure to let Brent and them know. They don’t need to ask me if I want it. If they do, it makes me feel that they are feeling deprived and are pressuring me for sex. Cuz I don’t feel deprived at all and, frankly, I’m not interested in sex with anyone outside of Brent right now.

Asexuals need their “space” sexually and we love our deep friendships, but have a problem with full sexuals who don’t respect our boundaries. Believe me, if we want sex with you and know that you have had a sexual attraction to us in the past, we will let you know. You don’t need to think that the reason we aren’t having sex with you, is because we’re too scared to admit our sexual attraction. That’s not it AT ALL. When we tell you we are asexual, WE MEAN IT and we would appreciate it if you would believe us.

Asexuals often have a problem with accepting their asexuality and can put on sexual performances to keep their friends happy and this isn’t good for anyone. If a relationship does not honor who we are in our true inner core, it is not a healthy relationship.

Part of the problem is that Brent is always humping on me and I’m enjoying him too much right now. More than him and I’d be tired out.

The main reason I did brain to brain with all the men before, was cuz I was afraid if I didn’t, I’d lose them as friends. But I told myself, I need to be true to who I am. The only exception was Vladimir Putin when I gave up on Brent marrying me for a while there, from about 2001 to 2006. I can only do one man at a time. I’m too asexual, otherwise.

Fortunately, for Brent, I’m not totally asexual.

Sex is just not a great need for me.

I do enjoy cuddling.

Brent strikes the right balance. I love how he does sex with me. I’m totally satisfied with him at this point and have no need for anyone else. It’s almost like I’m monogamous.

To be truly honest, I feel so free, now that I don’t feel pressure to be other than who I am sexually.

Understanding my asexual tendencies and being true to them, has been very liberating for me. I think a lot of those with asexual tendencies are misunderstood and feel pressured to give sex out of obligation.

We also feel that we can’t have a lifetime commitment with a guy, if we’re like this; and this makes us feel pressured to be other than who we are. With Brent, I feel totally accepted as I am and I love it. I actually thought all the men on the marriage list understood that when I finally “married”, I would be monogamous with my choice. I realize that I am poly-amorous, but I’m also very asexual leaning. Now I totally get myself and Brent loves and accepts me as I am. That is one of the main reasons he’s my favorite and my soulmate.

Maybe something that might help you understand me better, is imagine how my monogamous husband Brent would feel if I INSISTED he have sex with other women and we must all have a polygamous relationship? It would violate his true inner core and he would feel he was not true to himself. So when an asexual leaning person, has sex out of obligation, it’s sort of the same thing.

That may seem absurd, but there are societies, I believe, where polygamy is the norm, like in Africa and those who are monogamous would be scorned as defective.

Asexuals and those who lean asexual often feel defective, because we don’t fit the norm.

Another problem is when you tell a full sexual, that you lean asexual, full sexuals think you have a mental problem or that you’re lying. I hate this.

I think it’s very hard for a Jesuit to deal with, or understand, asexuality. As an asexual, I tend to see Jesuits as hyper-sexed. Nothing wrong with this, as long as you respect everyone’s boundaries and it’s all consensual. I have many Jesuits as friends. But find the Lizzo Jesuits to be intolerant, narrow-minded bigots, who only accept those who adhere to their narrow brand of sexuality, which seems hyper-sexed, toxic and abusive.

I would like to say this. That as an asexual leaning person, my platonic deep friendships mean almost as much to me as sex. And I don’t need sex with a friend to feel validated. This is something Jesuits don’t seem to understand.

I feel validated when I am accepted as I am and when I have the freedom to be authentic. This is what I value most in all my relationships.

I feel this way totally with Brent. This does not mean I don’t feel this way with others, but I especially feel this way with Brent. Probably because Brent and I are soulmates. It is okay to have only one soulmate and my men friends are just my special friends, that I want to have deep friendships with, without sex.

I only want one at a time.

I hate to use categories, but I guess you could say demisexual describes me fairly well. But I’m not a demisexual. I am me. The problem with categories is that we are all complex and categories tend to oversimplify. It is hard for me to get a connection that turns me on sexually. And yet, in the early 1990s, Brent turned me on so much, I was dreaming about making love to him for hours on end. That’s probably because I was deprived and he was the first man I’d ever encountered, who seemed to love the real me. I always have that with Brent. It’s kind of like when you haven’t had food for weeks, and you all of a sudden get a meal? Get the drift?

But even with Brent, I get in moods for more cuddling and less sex and Brent respects that. He humps less intensely then. He’s not perfect and sometimes keeps me up later than I should be up. But it’s never ALL NIGHT.

If Brent tried an all nighter with me, I’d need AT LEAST A WEEK VACATION FROM HIM, as far as sex goes. Fortunately, that never happens.

It is SO FREEING to not have to perform sexually for people. Asexuals have a problem with this need to perform sexually. Until an asexual can fully accept themselves for who they are, they will always feel a bit of a need to perform to keep their full sexual friends.

I’ll be honest with you, as long as Brent keeps me happy with intimacy, I probably will have almost zero need to have it with anyone else. Not sure why my future Gail seems otherwise. But perhaps in my future life, I can make love in other dimensions and I won’t feel so wore out with more than one.

I think asexuals and asexual leaning people often suffer from identity crises and we perform sexually for people. But this is not good for us or for those we perform sexually for.

You might say, “Why can’t you change?” You gave us sex before? Well, once we experience a true exercise in authenticity, it feels so healthy and freeing, it’s like we had a chronic disease and it got cured and now that we’re healthy, we don’t want to be sick anymore.

It kind of like when you’ve been sick your whole life and now you’re healthy and you never knew what healthy feels like, and now that you’ve experienced it, you don’t want to be sick anymore.

Usually this need to perform stems from an insecurity. My insecurity was that I felt that if I was true to my inner core, I could never have true love. Brent proved to me I’m wrong.

I also felt I’d lose all my friends, the ones I did sex with before. I have learned if a friend can’t accept you the way you are, there is an element of toxicity in that relationship that needs to be dealt with.

OR the friend has their own issues that need to be resolved.

I have this insecurity that if I don’t give sex to my ex lovers, that they will leave me as friends.

My friendships mean a lot to me. This is true for most asexuals. We sort of substitute friendship for sex.

When some men on my marriage list left me violently cuz I didn’t want sex with them and got really mean and vindictive over it – the Gail’s Men Going Their Own Way – I, as an asexual leaning person, was horrified. I was horrified, that my men also put about 25,000 men on my marriage list. I have nightmares as an asexual over that.

I’ve been feeling so free with Brent and loving it so much, that I almost feel guilty about it, for neglecting the men.

Well, I’ve always felt like I have to perform my whole life and it’s hard for me to get over it. I have only recently felt free to be truly myself.

I always have this fear, that if I’m truly myself, that I am the cold, selfish girl my mother said I always was. That if I deny a man sex, I’m being selfish and cold and will lose him as a friend, especially if I have already had sex with him.

I only want to have sex with Brent at this time. I think a key driver in my sexual attraction for Brent is that his true inner core has connected with and adores my true inner core and this rarely happens to me in any relationship.

If anything, this means that to find true love, you need to know yourself first or at least have the courage to be authentic in your relationships. And as we go on our journey of self-realization, those who share it with us, need to understand that it’s a journey and until we reach our destination, we may do or say things that appear to contradict who we really are at our core, but that is part of the process of finding ourselves.

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