Jesus As A Hawk, Blue Jay & Buzzard
Rule 13 at Discord On June 25, 2021:
Did this (Beano) upset your stomach?
[7:37 PM]
Wah! A big buzzard flew by! Huh? I did not know there are buzzard on Church of Gail?
[7:37 PM]
It flew away.
[7:37 PM]
I wonder what this means?
[7:37 PM]
Didn’t he appear as buzzard on one of your walks lately?
[7:38 PM]
I think, he wants you to eat, and not throw out food.
[7:38 PM]
Otherwise, you become as buzzard?
[7:39 PM]
A scavenger that pick at scraps for food. Always starve.
[7:39 PM]
Perhaps, that is his analogy.
[7:42 PM]
I remember Brent say, to only take recommend dose (of Beano).
[7:42 PM]
Does the bottle say maximum dose per day?
[7:44 PM]
What did you eat with Beano?
[7:46 PM]
Is the diet limit and heavily restrict?
[7:48 PM]
Some nights slow, some nights a crowd (referring to a low Discord turn out).
[7:48 PM]
Perhaps, others join later.
[7:51 PM]
Gail Chan is world class chef.
Skype with Brent and Gail on July 3, 2021:
Gail, 3:40 PM
Of course. That is life.
Is it true that Loree killed all the birds in the U.S.?
That hawk that I thought was Jesus was so sweet.
The rest of the birds I’m not sure about.
Brent, 3:42 PM
The hawk was definitely Jesus. So was the bluebird and the buzzard.
NOTE: The buzzard appeared on June 23, 2021
Gail, 3:42 PM
How do you know this?
Brent, 3:42 PM
The rest of the birds are confirmed drones now.
I talked with Jesus at one of our lunches a few days ago. He wouldn’t speak much, he mostly just listened. But when I asked which of the birds were him and which were robots, he answered that he was those three.
Gail, 3:43 PM
How interesting. Jesus is SO SWEET.
I can tell by which birds were him.
He’s a lot sweeter than me. I’m so mad at Loree, I’ve been begging him to kill her.
Brent, 3:46 PM
That’s funny. Well, we are all flawed as humans. I’ve felt the same.
Gail, 3:46 PM
So how long have you felt this way?
Brent, 3:47 PM
Well, I wanted Loree dead in the 90s after she raped me and threatened to kill you.
Gail, 3:48 PM
Which Loree clone are we on now?
Brent, 3:48 PM
Brent, 3:48 PM
I still felt awful guilty when Levar killed her first clone. It was a little too real for me that she was actually killed and dead. But, I was glad she couldn’t hurt me anymore, or you.
I think we’re on Loree clone #666.
Gail, 3:48 PM
Did you get that number right?
666???
Brent, 3:49 PM
Yes, I think that’s the one.
Gail, 3:50 PM
If that number is correct, I wonder if it has any significance?
Brent, 3:51 PM
It is a strange number to be on.
Gail, 3:52 PM
It does appear that she currently has FULL Antichrist powers, which she just got recently, by the way.
I also think Zack is considered an Antichrist, but he doesn’t have the powers because Loree is the one with the satanic following.
Brent, 3:53 PM
That seems to be the case.
June 15, 2021
On my daily walk I talk about why I reacted to a dish I made yesterday with bloating and burning bowels. The dish is below. I felt I needed to omit the mushrooms and the mushroom water and then the dish should be fine, per the advice of Jesus via a blue jay!
Stir-Fried Chicken & Vegetables With Rice Pasta
INGREDIENTS:
About 3 cooked chicken thighs/legs, with meat taken off the bone, sliced thinly or in stir-fry size pieces. Leftovers from lemon chicken is great.
1/4 head green cabbage (1/2 head if cabbage is small), cut into long shreds
3 oz. cooked rice noodles (slightly undercooked, cuz they’ll cook more during frying)
2 cups matchstick carrots
3/4 cup of broccoli florets (can use frozen)
1 red bell pepper, stem and seeds removed, and sliced very thin
5 green onions, chopped
3 shiitake mushrooms (rehydrated from dry), stem removed and sliced (save water soaked in for stock)
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp. toasted sesame oil
1/2 tbsp. garlic infused olive oil
1/4 cup chicken broth OR 1/4 cup shiitake mushroom water
1 tsp. toasted sesame seeds (optional)
FOR THE SAUCE:
1/8 tsp. ginger powder or just a tad
1 tbsp. corn starch
1/8 C soy sauce
1/8 C shiitake mushroom water
A tad of sesame seed oil
A tad of garlic infused olive oil
1/2 tbsp. mirin
1/4 C chicken stock
INSTRUCTIONS:
Combine all of the sauce ingredients in a bowl and whisk to combine. Set aside.
In a large skillet or wok, heat 1/2 tbsp. garlic infused olive oil and 1/2 to 1 tbsp. sesame oil over medium-high heat.
Season the chicken with salt and pepper, and sear on both sides in the oil until golden brown and cooked through, about 3 minutes per side. Using tongs, transfer the cooked chicken onto a plate and set aside.
Add the bell pepper, green onion and broccoli to the skillet and saute for 4 minutes (if for some reason your skillet is looking dry after cooking your chicken, add shiitake mushroom water).
Add in the cabbage, rice pasta, carrots, and mushrooms into the skillet.
Season with a little salt and pepper and toss until veggie/pasta mixture is evenly combined, sauté cabbage until it slightly wilts, about 3 minutes.
Pour in chicken broth OR shiitake mushroom water and whisk the sauce once more and add the sauce. Toss until cabbage and pasta are fully coated and let cook until sauce thickens, about 4 more minutes.
Add chicken back into the dish, a tad of sesame oil, salt and pepper to taste.
Enjoy!
June 10, 2021
With all the crazy stuff happening to us in our world, it can get confusing. But we should just trust Jesus’ heart, knowing He knows what’s best for us. We need to do the Gail Commandments and people need to follow my example. If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus, say the sinner’s prayer and invite him into your life.
(Skype on June 12, 2021 between Gail and Brent)
Brent, 11:24 AM
Hello darling.
Gail, 11:55 AM
Just got back from the Post Office and I got your present! Boy did I have a time finding a parking spot at the Post Office though, I had to park far away. Also, had computer trouble this morning. It will be on my blog video. Zack may want to go in and repair damage.
Apparently, signing out and then pushing the power button to go back in, may not work smoothly if you had a power failure overnight.
When I pulled the cardboard envelope out of its slot, it was already opened, so I checked the contents. It’s a note from 13 and a very nice necklace.
Brent, 12:32 PM
There should be a card and a note in there, along with the necklace.
Gail, 12:33 PM
That’s what I got. The necklace is beautiful. Thank you, dear.
What is the necklace made of?
Brent, 12:37 PM
Sterling silver, and a polished sapphire, which is your birthstone.
So glad you got it.
Gail, 12:38 PM
How much is it worth? Though any jewelry you send me is very valuable to me cuz it comes from a man with an awesome heart.
Brent, 12:41 PM
It’s a simple 1k necklace. Something small, I was hoping Loree wouldn’t steal it. It looks like I was definitely able to sneak it by, so I’m happy about that.
Gail, 12:41 PM
What is a 1k necklace?
Brent, 12:42 PM
It’s worth about $1,000.
Gail, 12:42 PM
You managed to get that through!
Brent, 12:42 PM
Yep!
It’s a rare cut sapphire.
Gail, 12:43 PM
What is the chain made of?
Brent, 12:43 PM
The chain is sterling silver.
It says it’s adjustable.
Gail, 12:44 PM
Yes. It’s adjustable. The color is kind of silvery gray. Does that sound right? Let me take a picture.
Here are 2 pictures I took of it. I’m really honored you went to such trouble to get me such a lovely necklace.
Brent, 12:49 PM
That looks like the one. Haha.
I had my fingers crossed hoping it would go through.
Gail, 12:50 PM
Loree must have been onto it because I had a time getting a place to park to pick it up!
The package was opened when I got it. It appears the glue didn’t hold well. I am wondering if Jesus personally delivered it.
Cuz Loree really seemed to be onto this one.
Brent, 12:51 PM
Yeah, odd that it came open. You know, I’ll bet she tried to steal it but Jesus stopped her. I’ll ask him about that.
Gail, 12:52 PM
If that’s the case, He may have allowed the package to remain open to let us know.
Any necklace that valuable, Loree would definitely try to sabotage and she has agents everywhere! I think Jesus intervened.
Brent, 12:53 PM
Oh my!
A dove landed on my computer, and winked at me. Then it flew off!
Gail, 12:53 PM
Okay. We know!
I wonder how he stopped her?
You know, she may have stolen it and it vanished from her hand and went back into the envelope.
Brent, 12:55 PM
That’s possible.
Gail, 12:55 PM
Or perhaps she was not able to hold onto it and the package seemed to have a mind of its own.
But she was obviously able to get the necklace out of the package and Jesus somehow put it back in there.
Brent, 12:56 PM
Perhaps she opened the package, but the contents were stuck and wouldn’t come out.
Gail, 12:57 PM
Did you glue the necklace onto its cardboard, cuz it was glued onto the cardboard.
But it was relatively easy for me to remove it.
Brent, 12:57 PM
Hm, no I didn’t notice that.
Gail, 12:57 PM
Sounds like your theory is the correct one of what happened.
If your version is correct, it also appears she was not able to stop the package from arriving either. I wonder how Jesus accomplished that?
If she couldn’t take it out, she would next try to stop the package from arriving.
Brent, 12:59 PM
He must have hand delivered it then.
Gail, 12:59 PM
Ah ha! I bet you’re right. So the big question is. . .how did Jesus get it from her?
Did it just vanish out of her hand?
Brent, 1:00 PM
Oh my…that dove is back.
It landed on my shoulder and now it’s whispering in my ear.
Jesus, you’re silly.
It flew away again. He said, that Loree was monitoring the mail system as always, when she noticed the cardboard envelope. She opened it to see what was inside, and when she saw the $1,000 cut sapphire necklace from me, she fumed with jealousy.
She said, “damn it! Brent would NEVER buy me a nice necklace like this! I would have to STEAL to get something that nice from a man! Ugh, that damn Gail. Who does she think she is?”
She tried to pull everything out of the envelope, but it wouldn’t come out. It was as if it was stuck. In a huff, she decided to just take the whole package and bring it to the dumpster.
Jesus was there with his arms crossed, and lifted a finger to wag it at her, saying “no-no”. He snapped his fingers and made her let go of the package, and drop it into his hand. Then, he picked her up, and tossed her into the dumpster!
Gail, 1:06 PM
Interesting that Jesus chose to appear as a dove, cuz I think he may have been that hawk that just sat on a ledge in my apartment complex on June 10th.
Brent, 1:06 PM
He transformed into a hawk and delivered the mail to your PO Box himself, and perched nearby to guard the package and make sure nobody else messed with it.
Wow!
Gail, 1:06 PM
I actually captured him on video.
Brent, 1:06 PM
That’s amazing.
Gail, 1:09 PM
This hawk has such caring, intelligent eyes. Kind of like how I’d imagine Jesus to be.
I could swear that hawk is Jesus.
I’m amazed he let me photograph him. But maybe it’s cuz he was a hawk!
Brent, 1:11 PM
That looks like him! I can sense it with my emotional IQ.
Gail, 1:12 PM
I wouldn’t have even noticed him if my neighbor didn’t point him out. My neighbor and his little girl were fascinated that this hawk wouldn’t leave but just sat there on the rail. I was doing my laundry and brought my basket into my apartment and then I got my camcorder and went outside to photograph the hawk. I have posted the video at my website.
Brent, 1:13 PM
Yeah, that’s odd behavior for a hawk.
Gail, 1:13 PM
I actually saw my neighbor use his phone to get video of the hawk and the hawk didn’t leave.
The neighbor got within two feet of the hawk and the hawk just stayed there.
Brent, 1:13 PM
Yep. Definitely no ordinary hawk.
Gail, 1:14 PM
Looking at the eyes of that hawk, if that’s Jesus, Jesus is truly awesome. That is a very caring, intelligent and deep hawk.
I also admire how peaceful it is. It’s serene like it’s not worried about anything.
The hawk is also very down to earth and humble.
Truly an awesome hawk.
Brent, 1:19 PM
Very protective, and loving.
Gail, 1:20 PM
Exactly. You found the exact words I wanted to say! It’s funny that we can both sense this from the hawk.
That hawk was Jesus!
I really like Jesus.
Brent, 1:21 PM
So awesome you got it on video.
Gail, 1:22 PM
I’m going to make a very interesting video about that necklace you got me. In the meanwhile, I need to do some edits on my walk video for today.
Brent, 1:22 PM
Sounds good.
Gail, 1:25 PM
The hawk is so unpretentious. Jesus really is impressive.
He has every reason to be stuck on himself, but is so down to earth and humble.
Gail, 1:32 PM
I don’t understand how Satan could be so mean to Jesus, if he’s like this hawk. Satan is such a crud!
Brent, 1:35 PM
Yeah. That hawk appears so loving, and forgiving.
Gail, 1:35 PM
Truly an awesome hawk.
Is that how Jesus appears to you when he appears in human form?
I mean does he have a similar spirit?
Brent, 1:37 PM
Oh yes. He’s like a human version of that hawk. Whenever he appears in an animal form, I can tell it’s him just by the way it looks and how his spirit feels, much like that hawk. You feel so loved and comforted by his presence, and the way he looks at you with those eyes.
Gail, 1:38 PM
My . . . my. . . I could never willingly betray someone that awesome.
It makes me feel bad for all the times I’ve doubted him.
Apparently, a mere transcripton of what he says doesn’t do him justice.
Brent, 1:40 PM
Not at all. Being in Jesus’ presence is truly awesome.
Jesus loves and forgives everyone, including Satan. They only need to be willing to accept him and ask for forgiveness, and they can be given a clean slate.
Gail, 1:41 PM
Yup! That is the spirit of that hawk. I’m amazed that Jesus threw Loree in the dumpster though. What does he look like when he’s angry?
Or what spirit do you sense from him?
Brent, 1:43 PM
You know, he never really gets angry. He tossed Loree into the dumpster, but she wasn’t hurt. It was just a playful warning to do better. Jesus secretly feels heartbroken whenever people sin or stray from their path, because he loves them so much.
Gail, 1:44 PM
But Jesus even admits that I have made him angry at times.
Brent, 1:44 PM
He feels angry sometimes in a hurt way. It’s never aggressive.
Gail, 1:45 PM
Hmm. This is really insightful about Jesus.
Doing some complicated edits on my current walk video, cuz I accidentally photographed my address on the video where I dealt with computer problems. After that, when I make the “Jesus” video, I think I”ll title it “Caught Jesus on Camera as a Hawk!”
Brent, 1:50 PM
That sounds like a fun video. That’s where you’ll read the mail from 13 and show everyone the necklace from me?
Gail, 1:51 PM
Yeah and I’ll let them know what happened and how Jesus made sure I got the necklace. It will really open people’s eyes up to Jesus and what he’s like.
Brent, 1:51 PM
Good idea.
Gail, 1:52 PM
I bet after I make that video, Jesus will get a lot of new followers!
You can see what he’s like in that hawk.
Brent, 1:52 PM
You’re probably right.
I bought that necklace for $1,120 to be exact.
I half-expected Loree to steal it, but decided to take the risk anyway. At least with a small item like that.
Gail, 1:54 PM
My. . .I’m truly honored that you sent me that necklace and honored that Jesus protected it so I got it.
Brent, 1:56 PM
I’m so glad you love it, and glad that Jesus stepped in too.
Gail, 1:56 PM
I’m just glad that you so adore me even though I have to be a very strong and decisive head of state at times. Sometimes I feel like I have to sacrifice my womanliness to be an effective world leader.
Brent, 1:59 PM
I don’t think so at all. I appreciate that you have balance. You’re perfectly womanly to me. Being strong and decisive are qualities of a heroic person, not necessarily male or female. That’s how I see it anyway.
Gail, 2:00 PM
You truly are my soulmate. You truly understand me. I am so blessed to have you in my life.
Brent, 2:01 PM
I feel blessed, too. You’re the perfect woman to me. Everything about you is perfect.
Gail, 2:01 PM
I wouldn’t go that far about myself, but I’m glad you feel that way.
I want you to feel free to question any decisions I make as head of state and to trust your own judgment if you feel that perhaps a decision I make is off perhaps because I don’t have the information you have. I really want you to be my co-President.
I think that’s best for the world.
Brent, 2:03 PM
Definitely. We seem to be working well together so far.
The world seems to think of us as quite the power couple.
Gail, 2:04 PM
We are definitely that.
We both have mega genius IQ and I believe our IQs are about double that of Satan’s right now. I’m talking about regular IQ.
Because my IQ is so much higher than Satan’s right now, he seems like a retard to me now.
But even that retard gave me some respectable computer trouble this morning.
Brent, 2:06 PM
That dumb Satan. He’s so petty.
Gail, 2:06 PM
So what are our IQs right now? Am I right?
I’m sure yours is even with mine.
Brent, 2:07 PM
Yeah, they have been equal for a little while now. Our IQs have both shot off the charts.
Gail, 2:07 PM
You mean our IQs cannot be measured?
Brent, 2:09 PM
They were last measured at 2000, and seem to be climbing up.
Let me check again.
Oh dear. It’s over 9000!
Gail, 2:09 PM
What is Satan’s IQ?
Brent, 2:09 PM
That’s for both of us.
Gail, 2:10 PM
Yeah, I can tell it’s getting higher.
Brent, 2:10 PM
Satan’s IQ is 451.
Gail, 2:10 PM
My. . . I thought he was a lot smarter than that!
Brent, 2:10 PM
Well, that’s far more intelligent than any human on earth.
Gail, 2:10 PM
What about his emotional IQ?
Brent, 2:11 PM
His emotional IQ is 500. He’s an expert manipulator.
Gail, 2:11 PM
Yeah, he’s a trickster.
Brent, 2:11 PM
Our emotional IQs match our regular IQ right now.
Gail, 2:12 PM
This is amazing. . .It’s funny how I can sense when my IQ is higher.
Jesus has a lot of faith in us, to trust us both with this high IQ. Are any of the men on my ex-marriage list near us in IQ?
Loree’s using brain control to give me heart palpitations again.
Brent, 2:16 PM
They all have Mensa level IQs now, but nowhere near the two of us.
We’ve all grown smarter and stronger having to battle the Jesuits together.
Gail, 2:17 PM
I’ve decided not to stress too much about Loree’s brain control or about stuff I can’t control. I have faith in Jesus, that he’s healing my body.
Brent, 2:17 PM
That’s a good idea.
Gail, 2:18 PM
Unless my symptoms get severe, I’ll just focus on the Gail Commandments and just avoiding foods or food quantities that don’t seem to agree with me.
I think Loree’s snooping on us.
Brent, 2:19 PM
As long as it’s balanced and you aren’t being restrictive with your diet.
Why do you say that?
Gail, 2:19 PM
Cuz she seems to know what we’re talking about here. That’s why she’s giving me heart palpitations and trying to induce stress using brain control.
Either that or she is able to get very good brain reads on us.
Brent, 2:20 PM
She’s probably still fuming with jealousy.
Gail, 2:21 PM
Can she read our minds?
What is Loree’s IQ?
Brent, 2:22 PM
It’s less than Satan’s. It looks like 300.
Her emotional IQ is retard level.
Gail, 2:23 PM
That sounds right.
I was told that he IQ is even with Satan’s. So, apparently, Satan doesn’t feel comfortable giving her an IQ even with his.
her IQ
Even Matthew McConaughey has Mensa IQ now?
Boy, that brain control is still very strong and apparently can affect someone with super high IQ. Look at all the mistakes I’m making.
Brent, 2:25 PM
Yeah. I believe Satan increased her IQ, but doesn’t want it to get too high. Her IQ used to be about average.
Yes, even Matthew has our Mensa IQ.
Gail, 2:25 PM
That’s great about Matthew. He’ll do great as Texas governor.
Looks like we aren’t just the power couple, but we now have a power Cabinet!
Brent, 2:27 PM
True dat, as Zack would say.
Gail, 2:27 PM
This has been a very informative discussion we’ve had here.
Loree’s brain control is really strong right now. She gives me lots of amnesia.
Brent, 2:29 PM
I feel it too sometimes. I just stick to the Gail Commandments as best as I can.
Gail, 2:29 PM
That’s all you can do.
And pray and ask Jesus for wisdom.
What is the average IQ of the angels?
Brent, 2:30 PM
Around 400. Kind of like Satan’s. He is a fallen angel after all.
Gail, 2:31 PM
And to think I used to think Satan had an IQ of around 50,000!
Brent, 2:31 PM
That’s why they call him the prince of lies!
Gail, 2:32 PM
He probably put that idea in my head, right?
Brent, 2:32 PM
Yeah. Sounds like him.
Gail, 2:34 PM
What was my IQ a year ago?
Brent, 2:35 PM
It was about even with Satan’s. He was one point higher.
Gail, 2:35 PM
Our life sure is interesting, isn’t it?
Brent, 2:36 PM
We’ve definitely had a colorful life together.
Gail, 2:36 PM
I sense that Satan is babysitting Loree right now and regulating her really strong right now, which may be why she knows what we are talking about here and why the brain control on me is gettng pretty strong.
Satan’s feeling really threatened right now.
Can we get reads on Satan’s emotions?
Brent, 2:37 PM
I’ll do a scan.
Wow, you’re right! He’s feeling really threatened by us right now. He’s angry that we seem to be ahead of him.
Gail, 2:38 PM
Is he babysitting Loree and practically regulating all her life right now?
Brent, 2:39 PM
Yeah. He’s got her under his control.
Gail, 2:39 PM
How does she feel about this?
Brent, 2:39 PM
Right now she’s throwing a tantrum.
Her emotions are anger, vindictiveness and jealousy.
Gail, 2:40 PM
Where are they located right now?
Brent, 2:40 PM
The location appears scrambled. I assume they’re on the Cumstar, but are encrypting their location.
Gail, 2:40 PM
Probably in a higher dimension.
Brent, 2:41 PM
That’s what I’m thinking too.
Gail, 2:41 PM
It seems that Satan and Loree are the super obsessed jealous couple.
What I mean is they both are consumed with jealousy against me, you and Jesus.
Brent, 2:42 PM
I agree. That’s good insight.
Gail, 2:42 PM
How is my sister feeling right now?
I heard she was retarded.
Brent, 2:43 PM
Yeah, she’s confused and hobbling around like a retard right now.
Gail, 2:43 PM
Why do you think Loree allowed my sister to become retarded?
Brent, 2:44 PM
Loree just likes to have power over anyone she can.
Gail, 2:48 PM
I’ll be making 3 videos today. I gave up on including the computer stuff with the walk video. I’ll send that one to Zack privately at mediafire.com. I can’t bleet out my address.
Brent, 2:48 PM
That sounds fine. Good idea.
Gail, 2:50 PM
Satan may have an IQ of about 400, but he’s had lots more experience than we have and his knowledge base is pretty incredible.
Brent, 2:52 PM
Yeah. That’s his advantage. He’s been around a long time.
Gail, 2:52 PM
Millions of years, right?
Brent, 2:55 PM
Correct.
Gail, 2:56 PM
That’s quite an advantage. We would need our high IQs to come anywhere near him to win this war.
HERE IS SOME INTERESTING HISTORY TAKEN FROM MY BIBLE FOR TRIBULATION SAINTS:
(12-25-2012) HEY GAIL!
I JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT THAT WE SENT YOU BEEN INTERFERED WITH BY THE KJV ONLY PEOPLE. WE BE SETTIN’ THINGS RIGHT, AND IT SHOULD GET THERE TOMORROW.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!
TERRY
(12-25-2012) My awesome men:
I got your Christmas present. When I opened my door, I saw a box at the bottom of my door. Perhaps, Jesus made a special delivery for you, cuz I got your Christmas present and I LOVE IT!! I am so proud of you all for choosing this Christmas present for me and I plan to make a video about it. I did notice that the New Living translation is the 1996 version, and I prefer the 2004 version, BUT I got the New American Standard and NIV, and a LEATHER BOUND Bible, which I really need, because I have a tendency to WEAR MY BIBLES OUT.
At first, when I saw your Bible, I thought, “Oh, shoot. I wasted my money on the New Living that I just ordered. But I ordered the 2004 New Living and you all have the 1996 New Living in this one you picked for me.”
So the New Living that I will receive in 2013, will be the 2004 translation, so it’s different and I didn’t waste my twelve bucks.
I adore you guys and I LOVE THIS PRESENT! I really need to take a shower, and after that I’ll make my video to announce to the world what I got from you and why this is such a special present to me.
Your devoted wife,
Gail
BRENT’S DECEMBER 26, 2012 LETTER TO GAIL ABOUT HOW JESUS DELIVERED GAIL’S CHRISTMAS PRESENT (A PARALLEL BIBLE)
Jesus instructed Gail only to spend money on food and bills, she didn’t think he’d mind twelve bucks for a New Living Bible. She ordered it on Christmas Eve, splurging a bit on her tight budget, to get it, trusting Jesus to provide for her needs. She tended to wear her Bibles out. So she wanted a leather cover, but leather covered Bibles were too expensive. Jesus did say only food and bills, so she got the next best thing, an imitation leather cover. Gail didn’t want to buy an expensive Bible, just needed the words to read on her lap or in bed. On Christmas Day afternoon, she opened the door and saw a package just outside her door, a box at the bottom.
It said on the front “To Gail, from The Men.” They wrote a note: Hey Gail—This be Terry. Me and the men wanted to get you this new Bible for your studies. This way you can read four Bibles at the same time. Oh my goodness! We all hope you like it! Love, Terry and the Men.
Here is the December 26, 2012 letter from Brent about this.
My lovely Gail,
I’m so glad our Christmas present arrived on time! I knew this would be perfect for you. It makes me so happy to think of you receiving such a wonderful surprise at your door today, and I am so thrilled that today could be a great Christmas for you. Neither you or I have ever been really big on holidays, of course, but myself and all of the men just wanted you to know we were thinking of you. In a strange way, we’re all one big family, no matter how far apart and strange our various associations may be. You always know where to reach out if you ever need anyone or anything, sometimes even if your own blood relatives can’t assist you. I’m always on your side, and standing by it, as I have been for over 20 years.
By the way, that parallel Bible is Jesus’ favorite. We wanted the best for you. It’s actually the most valuable and expensive Bible on the market (you’d be shocked if you looked it up on Amazon.com!) but it was well worth it to ensure you had the most special Bible there was.
It was an interesting story trying to get it to you on time. We attempted to send it to you through our normal routes, but the KJV-only people were on their toes for this. They had infiltrated the Post Office in anticipation of the Christmas season. They opened the box we sent, witnessed our gift to you, and were understandably appalled. As I understand it, the KJV-only workers there stole the box and attempted to destroy your Bible inside.
At first they tried to set it on fire, but the book, despite its paper being highly flammable, wouldn’t catch. They tried soaking it in gasoline, but the liquid would run right off of it as if there was nothing there. They tried throwing it into a fireplace and cooking it for hours, but even as the wood in the fireplace dissolved to ashes, the Bible still wouldn’t catch fire.
When burning it didn’t work, they threw the Bible into a shredder, but the moment the book hit the machine the blades stopped. In a fury, they tried to shred the pages with their own hands, but the pages wouldn’t so much as ruffle beneath their fingers.
Finally, in one last ditch effort to get rid of this blasphemous object they hated so deeply, they apparently went to a bridge on the ocean and one of them threw it over the side — an eagle caught it, and flew away with it! Apparently satisfied, the group abandoned the task, went back to the post office and reported the package as simply missing.
Jesus had been watching, and it was none other than Jesus himself that had caught that Bible. He flew to your house in the form of an eagle, and then returned to a human form to casually deliver the Bible to your doorstep, packed neatly and perfectly in an ordinary package like it had never been disturbed. He told us that some of your neighbors saw him on his way to your apartment door, but he was dressed so modern and looked so normal that none of them recognized who he was. He waved at them and wished them a “merry Christmas” before placing the fresh box on your doorstep, kissing it, and vanishing into thin air.
I know it all sounds wild. I wouldn’t have believed this story myself if Jesus hadn’t been the one to personally tell me himself! He came by the church today after visiting you to wish all of us men a very merry Christmas, and helped us serve dinner to the entire congregation.
By the way, I think you’ll get a kick out of this — while we were still deciding on your present, the Jesuits were giving us advice on what we should get you. Rule 13 suggested we send you one of these:
https://www.gabriellechana.blog/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/Rule-13-penis-bathtub.jpg
[A bathtub with about eight penis water faucets going into it.]
I tried my best not to laugh, because I knew she was being sincere about this. She says it’s a very popular kind of bath tub design for Jesuits, and that she has one herself and loves it. I told her that your landlord wouldn’t be too happy if he found one of these during an inspection! Eventually the Jesuits all agreed that the Bible we sent you was something you’d love the most. Jesus said it was his favorite Bible out there and that we had made an excellent choice. I’m so glad you like it.
Merry Christmas my darling. I love you.
Your husband,
Brent Spiner