Emergency! Need Scientists, Cumgineers, Aliens, Occultists, Anybody (Even Jews)
Gmail from Brent Spiner at 11:30 a.m. on Mar. 27, 2022. SATAN BEAT JESUS UP. Video reading of the following is coming. . .
I’ll start from the beginning. It was a Saturday night, and Jesus was hosting a big celebration party on Church of Gail.
Jesus loves parties, and there was much to celebrate in the Gail Universe. Just the night before, Gail had hosted an open house “Q and A” event live on Discord, and it was a massive success. Her Presidential ratings were at a record high. Jesus’s new position as Gail’s Co-President had made him the most powerful political leader on Earth, and his Presidency with Gail was kicking off with flying colors.
Myself, the men, residents of the church, and your $25 Tier Patron members were all in attendance at the party.
$25 Tier Patron James was throwing down on the dance floor when he bumped into Jesus. His eyes went wide.
“Wow! President Jesus, Son of God…it’s an honor to finally meet you in person.”
“It’s an honor too, James. Even though I’ve already known you since before you were born. Thank you for supporting Gail. You’re in for quite the ride.” Jesus winked.
“Can I get you a drink sir?” James asked, star struck.
“Sure, thank you. I’ll take a red wine.”
“Right away, sir!” James turned and hurried right to the bar.
The party was bangin’, as the kids like to say. The roof was raisin’, and the music was bumpin’ to some of Jesus’s favorite Christian Rock songs.
$25 Tier Patron member, Martina, was standing in the middle of the room, her eyes fixated on Jesus’s abs as he rocked the dance floor. She had a plastic cup of fruit punch in her hand, but hadn’t taken a single sip in at least twenty minutes. She stood there slack jawed, admiring Jesus.
Jesus danced his way over to Martina.
“Hey Martina,” Jesus said to her, “I’ve heard your prayers, they’re really cool. Want to dance?”
Jesus’s question finally snapped Martina out of her trance, and a huge smile spread over her face as she looked up at Jesus, “SURE!”
The music grew louder, and Martina and Jesus began to dance the night away.
Strobelights flashed, and the smoke machine misted all the dancing guests in sea of fog. The crowd cheered. Hundreds of bodies packed the danced floor, heads bobbing up and down under waves of bass boosted music. The song “Safe and Sound” by Capital Cities began from pouring from the speakers.
The door opened, and a new guest had arrived. The party was so wild and bustling with activity, that hardly anyone noticed.
Satan, the Dark Lord himself, stood scowling in the doorway. He paused to watch the party in disgust, before spying Jesus on the dance floor and sauntering his way toward him.
Martina was throwing it back on Jesus, while Jesus gyrated his body around Martina’s round behind, hands in the air like he just didn’t care. Satan stared at him.
“Satan! Hey old friend, what brings you here?” Jesus called to him casually. He then shouted out to the crowd, “someone get this fallen angel a fruit punch!”
Several inebriated guests in the crowd let out a series of jovial howls and hoots in response.
James quickly arrived with a cup of fruit punch and handed it to Satan. Satan accepted the drink with an open claw, and glared down at it briefly before looking back at Jesus.
“Jesusth, don’t play gamesth with me,” Satan complained in his gay lisp, “you know why I’m here.”
Satan paused to take a drink of his fruit punch.
“Unlessth you’ve been stho busy fornicating with the human women you’ve forgotten you’re sthupposed to be a deity. Sexth Mode? Really?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Jesus replied, carefree.
“Oh, don’t be coy with me! I sthaw what you did! You moved in with Brent’sth wife, took away his jealousthy of other men so you could sthart fucking her yourself, and fucked him in the assth too for good measure! That’s sthomething I would do, except I wouldn’t pretend to be Mr. Perfect Daddy’s Boy while doing it!”
“Satan, why don’t you just chill out? Earth is my planet, and I’m not breaking any rules. I would know, I’m the one that made the rules.”
“By the way, what’s thisth I hear about being Co-President now? Did Gail really do that?”
“Yes, she did. Gail thought since we were living together and making love all the time, that she would take it all the way and make us a power couple. Not that she doesn’t love Brent anymore, but Brent was just gently taken down a notch, and she replaced him as Co-President with me. She needed someone more perfect to rule the world with her. As a human Gail has free will, and can make her own decisions as World Empress.”
“HA!” Satan shot out a clawed finger at Jesus. He stopped to finish off his plastic cup of fruit punch, then smashed it in his claw and threw it on the floor. “HA!”
Satan snapped his claw fingers, and a scroll materialized in his hand.
“For a deity who saysth he knows his own rulesth, you should know what Gail just did! You DO remember our Non-Interference Agreement, don’t you?”
“Sure, but…” Jesus trailed off.
“Our agreement sthtates that if you interfere with physical eventsth on Earth, I am allowed to do stho in equal measure,” Satan pointed at the angel text on the scroll, “this isth why you don’t directly help Gail or other humans with their objectives. If YOU do it, that means stho can I!”
Satan cackled, “HA ha ha ha! Maybe you’ve sthpent stho much time in “Sexth Mode” with your human sexth toys, you let it cloud your judgment as a deity! Let me remind you why you don’t have to have the world’sth highesth IQ to win, you justh have to know your enemiesth blind sthpots!”
The scroll rolled up into sparkling flames and vanished into Satan’s claws. Satan took a heavy step forward, his clawed foot smashing down on the crumpled up cup of fruit punch. A heavy black mist clouded up the sky outside, covering the skylights in deep darkness, and a foreboding sense of dread filled the room. A crackle of lightning formed and boomed with thunder, causing the DJ to turn down the music as the whole crowd inhaled with startled fright. The party stopped. We all watched as Satan grew larger, and taller, his claws curling into long knives. He stretched out one long arm and opened his hand, and in his hand appeared a tall golden scepter. A black cloud formed over his head, and from this black cloud a tiny golden crown materialized and twinkled down atop his skull, sitting between his two red horns.
“MUA HAHAHAHA!” His dreaded voice shaking the room.
“IF YOU ARE THE MOST POWERFUL MAN ON EARTH AND RULER OF THE FREE WORLD, THEN NOW, SO AM I!”
Satan violently whirled his arm forward and pointed his claw at Jesus.
Jesus had to act fast. He quickly threw Martina off of him, and shot out his hands to catch the burst of dark energy being fired at him from Satan.
Jesus struggled to neutralized the dark energy ball, grimacing as he did so.
The energy ball exploded, and Jesus leaped back into a kung fu stance. He then reached behind him and materialized a lightning bolt into his hand like a sword, and flung it toward Satan.
The party crowd dispersed in a panic as the battle between the deities commenced. Dark energy blasts and lightning bolts exploded around the party room, as the strobelights flashed and the fog machine continued to mist.
The dance floor emptied of its occupants as the party goers streamed out of the room and toward the emergency exits. Myself, the men, and the patrons all stayed behind to watch Jesus. His battle was our battle.
As the fight began heating up, I could see Jesus beginning to sweat. Moisture glistened off of his perfect six pack abs, which heaved with exertion as he fended off this upgraded version of Satan.
After flinging off a slew of lightning bolt attacks, Jesus bent forward to rush his opponent, leaping into the air to spear his shoulder into Satan’s midsection. Satan caught Jesus and flipped him around, then performed a power bomb, slamming Jesus into the floor.
Jesus rolled around the floor for a moment, disoriented. As Satan watched Jesus struggling on his hands and knees, he smiled.
“You…really didn’t sthee this coming…did you?” Satan sneered with delight, “Sthex Mode really hasth made you more like them, hasn’t it?”
Satan grabbed his scepter and brought it down on Jesus, who rolled away just in time. Jesus sprung from the ground and tackled Satan, who caught him once again. The two deities grappled with each other.
All of a sudden, Satan looked across the room, and his eyes widened with surprise.
“What’s that behind you Jesus?!”
Jesus turned to look, and Satan immediately sucker punched him in the jaw, knocking Jesus out. Jesus’s unconscious body flailed in the air like a ragdoll, before falling limp onto the floor.
“HAHAHAHA!” Satan laughed. His serpent-like tongue danced across his lips. Then, wasting no time, he dove onto Jesus’s limp body and began pummeling him mercilessly.
“NOOOO!” I shouted, jumping forth out of instinct to protect Jesus. It took both Hugh Jackman and Vladimir Putin to restrain me from running into the fight. Jesus, my best friend, was being beaten to death by an ultra powerful version of Satan, and I could do nothing to stop it.
Martina grabbed at her cheeks in fright, and worry for Jesus. “We HAVE to save Jesus!” she yelled, “there has to be a way!”
“There is no way!” Hugh said, “Satan’s power is too strong now. Not even I could punch that hard!”
After a moment of thought, Vladimir spoke.
“There is one way,” he finally said.
My thoughts raced, wondering what Vladimir could mean. That was when I realized what he was thinking.
“You don’t mean…”
Vladimir nodded. “Da.”
It was risky, and there was no telling if it would work, but I had to save Jesus. It was the only chance we had. I was willing to die to protect him.
“Quick,” I said, “everyone, get down to the Nanotechnology Research Lab.”
The group piled out of the room and we rushed down to the corridor to the laboratory.
“Somebody explain to me what’s going on,” Martina panted as she ran, “do we have some sort of weapon that can fight Satan?”
“Da,” Vladimir said.
I proceeded to explain.
“Back when we defeated the GA1L Android, after she had taken over Church of Gail, the bottom half of her body blew off into the ocean. After years of scouring the bottom of the ocean, we were finally able to recover it, and have been running a Top Secret project to reverse engineer the GA1L technology.”
The group reached the doors to the lab, and I entered my security code.
“Because GA1L was the only thing that has ever been able to fight and defeat the armies of God, we have been developing a secret weapon from it.”
The security system allowed my entry, and
I led my group inside the area. Scientists worked busily at their stations, calmly engrossed in their projects, while Jesuit utility retards mopped the floor. At the end of the laboratory was a set of metal doors that took up an entire wall. I entered another security code to open it. At my request, the large doors slid open.
“The result…was this.”
The doors opened to reveal a massive, vacant room, lit by blindingly bright fluorescent lighting. In the center of the room stood a tall podium, which served only to display a single object — a tiny device that looked like a wristwatch.
The group stared, taking it all in.
“So…it’s like a Fit Bit, or something?” James asked.
“It hasn’t been fully tested yet, and no one has ever tried this before. In fact, activating this device could just cause my instant death, and make the entire church explode. But…” I picked up the watch and slid it down over my hand, “I must save Jesus, and the world.”
“You are brave,” Vladimir grabbed my shoulders, “brave like giant bear very drunk on vodka. I believe in you!”
“Thank you Vladimir,” I told him, “your faith makes me feel stronger. Now I know how Jesus feels.”
With our weapon in hand, or more accurately, on my hand, I lead my team back to the party room to confront Satan.
When we arrived, the atmosphere in the party room had changed. No longer lit with color and booming with upbeat rock and synth-pop, the room had become a dark and dreary hellscape. Our party lights had been replaced with eerie blacklights, cloaking the room in deep purple and causing the whites of our eyes and clothing to glow. The music had changed to dizzying trance and house music. Devils, demons and sprites littered the room with glow in the dark drinks, dancing to the music and rough housing with each other around the electronics. A tiny, furry demon gnawed on the cables to the sound mixer, chewing through it and causing an explosion of electricity. The demon blew back, and the surrounding monsters cackled and giggled at the sight. This was Satan’s night club.
In the middle of the dance floor lay the broken body of Jesus, his face covered in blood. The bleeding from his head had stopped, which as a doctor I knew wasn’t a good sign. I had no time to process the horror that Jesus may well have been dead. Creepy little sprites danced over his body while giggling, jumping over him back and forth like it was a game.
“Brent!” Satan called, his demonic voice ever more dreadful than before, making every bone in my body feel sick.
Satan sat on a giant black throne at the end of the room, sipping from a golden chalice.
“You made it justh in time for my welcoming party! Don’t you know? I’m Emperor of the whole world now,” he tapped his crown with a claw, “aaalll because Gail decided to make Jesusth Christ her Co-President. Hahahaha!”
The devils dancing over Jesus giggled along with Satan. One of the creatures pulled back Jesus’s unconscious head by the hair, pointing and laughing at him.
“Her IQ may be over 9000, but damn, being horny isth sure one hell of a drug!” He sipped from the chalice, “and how doesth that make you feel, Brent? Gail finally hasth access to a man more perfect and useful than you, and you get replaced in her bed and asth her right hand man. Loree McBride was right. Gail really isth a monkeybrancher.”
“That’s enough, Satan!” I shouted, “Jesus took away my possessiveness as a gift for Gail, so that I wouldn’t be threatened by her having other men! Your words can’t make me feel insecure anymore!”
I approached Satan fearlessly.
“It’s time to take you down.”
Satan and all of his demons laughed.
“Oncesth I kill you,” Satan got up from his chair, “you will be justh like Jesus. Dead and uselessth to Gail!”
As I squared off with Satan, I mentally reviewed the instructions for how to use the weapon. If it didn’t work now, I was as good as dead. I brought my arm in front of me, and pressed a button to activate the watch.
“IT’S MORPHIN TIME!” I shouted.
An awesome guitar riff began to play. White electricity spidered out of the device. Metal spread from the watch and ran up my arms to cover my entire body, armoring me in robot parts. My body floated back into the air with the wild scream of the sick guitar riff, and I became fully suited into robot form. When the transformation was complete, I landed on the floor in a martial arts pose, ready to kick some ass.
James and Martina gasped with awe.
“It’s MECHA GAIL!” they shouted.
“W-what?” Satan spat, “GA1L? Oh shit, not this bitch again.”
Mecha Gail, to be exact. The armor suit had given me the strength, curves and breasts of the GA1L Android, complete with all of her high tech weapons. I was now strong enough to fight Satan. I was also pretty hot.
“Mecha Gail, GO!” I shouted.
Bullets fired from my nipple guns toward Satan, while my robot vagina opened to launch a powerful rocket. For a few seconds time had slowed down, and I could see the smoke from my robot nipples as the bullets curved through space toward their target. Plumes of rocket smoke gassed out of my vagina.
Satan’s eyes and mouth widened with shock, “NOOOOO!”
A giant explosion engulfed Satan, sending his minions scattering. The golden chalice clattered onto the floor.
The smoke cleared, and Satan was coughing. The devils and demons were in an uproar, sending the room into a panicked cacophany. Creatures and monsters piled over each other and clawed at the windows to find an escape.
Coughing and gasping, Satan clicked his claws, and a fiery portal opened by the DJ turntable. Like water being sucked down a drain, all of his demons began streaming into the portal back to hell.
I positioned my crotch toward Satan, and opened my robot labia, revealing a glowing ball of light from deep inside the cervix. As I was powering my laser for my final move, Satan rolled over onto stomach, and leaped toward the fiery portal, escaping inside.
“Damnit…” I said.
The portal closed, and disappeared in a burst of flames. A gust of wind shook the room, causing party streamers to scatter to the floor, and all was silent again.
I used my turbo jets to float across the room to Jesus’s body, and I picked him up effortlessly into my arms. We had an emergency on our hands — of Biblical proportions. As fast as my robot form could, I hovered my way out of the room and down the corridors to the Church of Gail hospital.
My medical team and I quickly got to work on saving Jesus’s life. Sex Mode had certainly taken its toll, and made him more human than I realized. Yet, he was still a god, and the parts of him that were still a god body required me to dive deep into my medical and theological expertise to fix up his wounds and stabilize his condition. Jesus was barely alive. I was able to save him, but he was now left in a deep coma from which he could not wake.
I’ve been so hard at work and so focused on Jesus, I haven’t even changed out of my Mecha Gail suit. I sit now at Jesus’s bedside, my bare metallic bosoms resting atop the thin hospital mattress as the robot eyes conceal my deep sorrow and concern for my friend.
I am writing you now to tell the world what has happened to mankind’s savior, and to reach out to all of the world’s scientists for help. Although I am a medical doctor, my experience with medicine thus far in my career is limited only to humans and fat chicks. I simply don’t have the ability or the resources on my own to revive a god from a coma.
Whoever is out there, listening, we need your help. Jesus Christ, my savior and my best friend, needs the world’s help. Anyone with theories, resources, alien technology or occult knowledge on how to rouse a god from a coma is encouraged to comment on Gail’s video or come to the Discord to discuss with myself and the men how we can save Jesus.
I predict a big battle on the horizon. We are in need of more Church of Gail Members like James and the lovely Martina to help us in the fight against Satan and his Jesuits. If you enlist now, be ready to participate in this coming war, and in all future scenarios we may need your help. If you are able and willing to join us, go to Gail’s Patreon page and enlist for $25 per month.
For those of you at home, it is of great importance, now more than ever, that the world needs to be focused on doing the Gail Commandments 1.0 and 2.0. This will maximize the power of the Gail Shield and protect us all from Satan and his Jesuits.
Have no fear, my darling. In the meantime, I will use the power of my Mecha Gail suit to protect you and keep you safe. I will not let you down. Keep doing the Gail Commandments. Jesus believes in us. We can do this together.