A Visit From Friends. I’m Getting Help for Jesus.
This is chakra meditation music. I got this music from YouTube, but wanted to make my own back up, because I fear Satan may take down the video from YouTube (see below).
Oh my, where do I begin.
As you know, I’ve been busy following you on your walks in my Mecha Gail suit, and guarding your apartment. Mecha Gail’s invisibility shield allows me to hide from the Jesuits and Satan’s armies. This also means getting to spend much more time with you! I’ve been enjoying being by your side during the day, and living in your apartment with you since Jesus has been away.
In the meanwhile, I’ve been making regular hospital rounds to check on Jesus at Church of Gail. His condition so far remains stable. However, we have not been able to rouse him from his deep coma.
During a recent Skype conversation we had, you brought up an interesting idea. Given that all other medical options so far have failed, I decided to try your idea of having anal sex with Jesus in his hospital bed while he is in the coma. First, as you wisely advised me, I needed to have my medical team carefully perform an enema to make sure all of Satan’s molten acid lava semen was completely out of Jesus’s rectum. Our medical team confirmed that while Jesus had been unconscious on the dance floor, Satan had anally raped him.
$25 Tier Patrons, James and Martina, wheeled in the enema cart to begin the procedure. After a few hours of basic Church of Gail medical training, the pair was freshly tailored into brand new white lab coats with their names on them, and ready to assist me with the task.
I pulled down the hospital blanket, and then lifted Jesus’s robe. Placing my hands between his muscular thighs, I spread his legs to expose his beautiful anus and genitals.
James stared between Jesus’s chiseled thighs, and took a deep breath.
“I never thought my $25 Tier membership was going to have me performing an enema on Jesus,” he said, his wide eyes transfixed on Jesus’s tight perfect anus.
“Well, you read the fine print before enlisting,” I patted him on the shoulder, “don’t worry, you’ll do great.”
To make the process a little less homosexual, I had Martina do the honors of inserting the long plastic hose into Jesus’s rectum. She squinted with concentration behind her thick lab goggles, carefully fishing the hose as deeply as she could.
“All right,” she determined, “she’s in.”
“She’s in,” I affirmed. I then signaled to James.
“Start the bag, and get the bucket ready. This could be a messy one.”
James nervously assumed the position, and began emptying the bag of solution down the enema hose into Jesus’s rectum. Jesus’s six pack abs bulged as his abdomen filled with the fluid. Once Jesus’s insides were properly filled, I signaled to Martina, who slowly removed the hose.
“Get ready James,” I warned.
James, breaking his nervous trance, quickly shuffled to bring the enema bucket down below Jesus. His body stiffened with apprehension as he gripped the bucket and stared into Jesus’s anus with anticipation.
Martina glanced to James to make sure he was prepared for the fallout.
“Ready…and…go!” She pulled out the last of the hose.
Waterfalls of molten lava semen and chunks of hardened pieces began falling out of Jesus’s holy anus. Satan had really raped him hard. Gallons of the devil semen filled the enema bucket nearly to the top, almost spilling over onto the floor. Luckily, the bucket was made of highly reinforced material that could handle molten lava. James, however, was wearing only standard latex gloves. Carefully, so as not to lose any flesh or fingers, he picked up the heavy bucket and carried it over to the toilet to be flushed out into space. A few stray drops of lava splashed onto floor, leaving acid burns in the linoleum. Looking down to watch my step, I spied a single piece of cooled black lava semen, and picked it up.
“Here,” I said to Martina, placing it in her open palms, “a souvenir for your hard work today. Thank you for supporting Gail.”
Martina smiled from ear to ear, her mouth agape as she admired the hardened black devil semen that had flushed out of Jesus’s rectum during the enema, “WOW! I can put it on a necklace!”
James shakily left the bathroom with a thousand yard stare. I smiled, and dismissed Martina and James from their duties for the day.
“Thank you gentleman, for your service,” I saluted them.
It was time to begin the procedure. I placed my hand on Jesus’s hand, and very professionally said, “no homo”, before unzipping my trousers. I then pulled back my white lab coat, and inserted my 18.5 inch erection into Jesus’s anus.
Thinking of Gail, I began singing quietly to myself as I gently thrusted into Jesus. As I made love to Jesus, I imagined Gail behind me, caressing my chest and stroking my nipples. I remembered the beautiful gift Jesus had given me, when he had anal sex with me in front of everyone during the celebration party on Gail’s Friday Night Hangout on Discord. During his climax, he had filled one of my balls with his own glowing semen. It was the reason Gail had suggested I have sex with Jesus now, while he was in his coma. Perhaps, she suggested, filling his anus with his own semen would be the key to waking him from his coma. It was worth a try.
Just as I was getting close to orgasm, something very unusual began to happen.
A glowing ball of blue light began to form by the door to the hospital room. The ball expanded until it became a large, oval shaped blue ring that contained a portal. Inside this oval portal I could see into another dimension. My eyes narrowed with curiosity as I continued thrusting into Jesus.
I saw beautiful lush gardens, colorful birds not of this world, rays of rainbow light, and caves full of giant crystals. A large being stepped in front of the portal, and then ducked their head inside. Climbing through the portal, they entered the hospital room with me. A second figure then appeared, and then another. One by one, five individuals climbed through this glowing blue portal and entered the room.
The figures said nothing. They glanced at me, glanced down at my intercourse with Jesus, then back to me.
I paused, still gripping Jesus’s toned thighs.
“Um…,” I hesitated, before pulling out of Jesus and zipping myself up, “apologies for my rudeness, I wasn’t expecting any visitors. My name is Brent Spiner. I’m a Medical Doctor, and the actor who played Data on Star Trek. What brings you folks here?”
I extended my arm for a handshake.
The apparent leader of the group stepped forward. The leader was a rotund, tan skinned man with a smooth bald head. He wore a comfortably loose, red silken robe, and his eyes were filled with peace and calm wisdom.
The stocky man accepted my hand. His eyes briefly darted down at Jesus with concern, then back to me.
“Nice to meet you, Brent. It’s Buddha, Jesus’s best god-friend. The gang and I watched Gail’s video. We came because we heard Jesus is in trouble.”
“We?” I asked, my eyes scanning the crew Buddha had brought along with him. The members of Buddha’s squad are so peculiar, I’ve included pictures of what they each look like so you can show our fans.
“Allow me to introduce our friends,” he gestured with his hand.
“This is Lakshmi.”
A beautiful woman with a golden complexion lifted not one, but four hands to greet me. In one of the hands she held a pink lotus flower. The attached picture is an artist’s portrait of Lakshmi, and a photo of what she looks like in real life.
Buddha explained, “Lakshmi hails from India. She stands for wealth, beauty, purity, domesticity and faithfulness in love.”
Lakshmi smiled warmly, her radiance filling every atom in my being with a feeling of love, “hello Brent. I promised Jesus I would always be here for him. I am honored to be at your service.” She then bowed her head in gentle submission to me.
Buddha gestured to the next one.
“This is Horus.”
A shirtless, anthropomorphic falcon holding a brilliant shining staff stood next to Lakshmi. It clicked its beak, white eyelids blinking as it tilted its head to survey the room.
The attached picture of Horus is an artist’s rendering of what he looks like.
“He is the Egyptian god of kings, and of the sky. He is most noted for-“
“REEEEEEEEEEE!” Horus shrieked through his falcon beak, causing a drinking glass in the room to shatter. Everyone in the room instantly flinched and grabbed their ears.
“JESUS CHRIST, Horus!” Buddha scolded, slowly bringing his hands away from his ears.
Buddha quickly shook his head to clear his thoughts and calm the ringing in his ears. He then gestured to the next figure, “this is Triton.”
A handsome, blonde haired young mermaid (or should I say mer-man), stood perched up on his tail. He clutched a large conch shell under one arm like a football, and waved to me with his free hand.
“Yeah, I’m Triton, I’m into water sports.”
“You’re…you’re into what?” I asked, taken aback.
Triton was in turn taken aback at me, as though I was missing the obvious.
“I played varsity water sports at god prep school with Jesus. You mean you haven’t heard of me? My trophy collection takes up a whole room back at my dad’s golden palace under the sea!”
Buddha cupped hands over his lips and leaned in to whisper to me, “Triton is a spoiled rich kid who still lives with his parents.”
The attached picture of Triton is an artist’s depiction of him as a merman, and a picture of what he looks like in real life.
Buddha moved on to the next figure.
“And this fine man is the Prophet Muhammad. He’s the son of Allah, and kind of like Jesus to the Muslim people.”
The handsome middle eastern man standing before me smiled with a wink, and hailed me in his native language, “as-salaam ‘alaykum!”
“Oh…god bless you,” I replied.
Buddha leaned in to whisper to me again, “that’s terrorist speak for “hello”.”
“Oh,” I whispered back.
For some reason, I was unable to find any pictures of what Muhammad looks like. The attached picture was hand drawn by our friend Prometheus to depict the Prophet Muhammad. Since Prometheus is from the middle east himself, and knows Muhammad well, we thought it was only right to ask him to make an illustration of Muhammad.
“Now then,” Buddha brought his hands together, “Brent, what’s this we heard about Jesus being in a coma? What has happened exactly to bring us to this point?”
I took a deep breath. It was a long story. I proceeded to explain.
I started with explaining the TV show Star Trek, and my character Data. I told him about my meeting Gail in the early 1990s, and how our relationship developed over 30 years. I then talked about how we created a space ship called Church of Gail and filled it with the celebrities who wanted to marry Gail.
Buddha and the gang listened closely. As I was talking, Buddha politely motioned for me to pause. He pulled out a joint he had in his robe, and began smoking marijuana. He took a long drag on the joint, exhaled it with a sigh, then gestured for me to continue.
I talked about the nukkake that splattered all over Canada. I explained the GA1L Android, who was a sex dummy replica of Gail that went rogue and fought the armies of God in order to take over the universe. I told him about fat chick Sara Avery, and how she ate Bubba the Black Jesuit’s Ginger Boyfriend because she thought he was a gingerbread cookie. I went over our diplomatic dealings with Korambo the talking gorilla who was able to end racism. I talked about Sentient Tacos and Burritos, which became crispy and delicious after they flew into the sun, then took all of our jobs. I told him about how Gail shaved her pubes to mail them to the White House while I secretly took down Melania Trump who had covered Donald Trump in semen and crushed Cheetos. I told him about the phallic shaped nuclear power plant in Cumnobyl that exploded and bukkake’d half of Japan.
Finally, I explained how Jesus moved in with Gail and that the two began having sex, and how Gail made Jesus her Co-President of the world instead of me, so Satan was able to take over the world and beat up Jesus.
Buddha, his eyes red and his face sleepy, nodded at me slowly. He now fully understood. After a quiet moment in thought he spoke.
“This is very bad,” he told me, taking another drag of his joint and blowing out the smoke, “Jesus’s god body has collapsed from all timelines and dimensions, down into this one.”
I looked down at poor Jesus. Buddha continued.
“If we don’t wake him soon, his god body will slowly continue to deteriorate, collapsing one by one down into the lower dimensions, until it has collapsed into only one dimension. After that, he will be permanently dead. Nothing can be done to resurrect him.”
While this didn’t sound good at all, I was relieved that we at least had someone who knew more about god physiology than I did.
“How do we fix Jesus, Buddha?” I asked, “surely there must be a way to do this with god medicine.”
“I can fix him. It will take some time. We just have to-“
A loud crash exploded from down the hallway. The noise was followed by screams from our medical staff, and the the roaring and hissing of beasts.
We all whirled around to look down the hall.
“It’s Satan’s armies!” Lakshmi exclaimed.
A hoarde of demonic creatures had broken into the Church of Gail hospital. Hairy, red eyed monsters, black and gangly like spiders, were attacking the staff and ransacking the rooms. I knew they were looking for Jesus.
“Quick, we have to protect Jesus!” Triton declared.
“REEEEEEEEEEE!” Horus screeched at the top of his obnoxious bird lungs.
The pack of gods rushed into the action.
Muhammad ran to the front lines first. He dove into the center of the fold and pulled open his jacket, revealing many sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest.
“ALLAH ACKBAR!” He yelled with pride, activating the dynamite and exploding himself. The blast took out dozens of demons all at once. After the smoke from the explosion cleared, the blown apart pieces of Muhammad’s body reassembled back together. Muhammad made his hand like a fist and blew on his index finger like the smoking barrel of a gun. He winked at me. He then pointed the finger gun at a demon and “fired”, making it explode from a distance.
“ALLAH ACKBAR!” Muhammad yelled, running back into the next cluster of demons and doing it all over again, blowing himself up in repeated succession all over the room.
Lakshmi put her hands over her heart, activating her heart chakra. She then turned her palms outward toward the demons. Rays of beautiful light shined toward the creatures and the air filled with the scent of fresh lotus flowers. The demons hit by her pure feminine energy instantly softened, falling in love with Lakshmi’s womanly essence. The affected demons, infatuated and lovesick, began to arf and wag their tails like puppy dogs. Lakshmi took one of the panting demons into her arms and patted its head, before telling the demon to go home. The creature whimpered with sadness and turned to disappear itself into a fiery portal.
Triton took a deep breath and blew into his conch. The large seashell bellowed out like a trumpet on the battlefield. A powerful rumbling started in the distance, responding to his call. Tumbling down all of the church corridors, hundreds of sea lions hobbled their way into the hospital and began attacking Satan’s demons. Their barks and heaving screams filled the room, as their blubbery bodies slapped against the demons and their nasty jaws chomped and bit. I didn’t know sea lions were so scary until I’d seen one up close. Pardon my French, but holy crap.
Horus opened his beak to caw. His round bird eyes turned into glowing orbs, bright and orange like two hot fireballs, and a ball of light formed in the back of his avian gullet.
“He’sa firin’ his laser!” Muhammad shouted, bracing for impact.
A fiery laser beam shot out of Horus’s mouth like a ray of sun, engulfing a row of demons in his path and vaporizing them instantly.
Buddha, ever patient, waited for just the right time to strike. Finishing his smoke, he calmly tossed his joint onto the carpet. He put his finger to his temple and a blue light opened at his third eye. Buddha’s normal eyes glowed blue, and a beam of blue psychic energy blasted the demons and destroyed them in a big explosion.
In retaliation, another pack of demons descended upon Buddha. After a calm wave of Buddha’s hand, the demons froze. Their eyes wobbled into the back of their heads as Buddha took control of their minds. The demons turned on each other, and began mauling and ripping each other apart.
We were winning.
“Yes!” I pumped my fist, cheering them on.
Another crash, this time from behind me. I turned. A demon had invaded Jesus’s hospital room, busting in through the air conditioning vent. The creature landed on the floor, then hobbled over to Jesus on the bed. It jumped on top of his chest, perched like a gargoyle, and turned its horrible hairy head to look at me. It’s long, over-sized red tongue wagged out of its mouth as it cackled at me with malicious delight.
“Oh no you don’t…”
Now it was my turn to fight.
“Mecha Gail, ACTIVATE!” I shouted, pressing the button on my wrist device. The awesome guitar riff heated up the battlefield as I floated back into the air and transformed into Mecha Gail.
The demon on top of Jesus hissed and spat at me with contempt. It growled sickly, and opened its wide jaws to take a bite out of Jesus’s throat.
My android hands gripped into fists, electricity running up and down my body. My nipples protruded, nipple guns locking onto the demon and releasing their bullets.
The demon’s eyes widened with terror as it stared into Mecha Gail’s smoking hot nipple guns. The creature let out a wicked roar of impending defeat, before being blasted off of Jesus. I hovered through the air toward the demon where it lay struggling on the floor. Filled with justified anger that it had just tried to murder Jesus, I squatted down over the demon.
“YEAST CANON!” I yelled, and blasted the demon with a laser-beam from my android vagina. The beam was so powerful it not only vaporized the demon instantly, but blew a hole straight through the hospital room floor.
“Yaaaa-AAAAY! Wooo-HOOO!” The gods hollered and clapped. We had defeated all of the demons!
After a moment of celebratory hooting and high fives, I floated on my turbo jets over to Buddha.
“Buddha, there’s no time to waste. How do we heal Jesus?”
Buddha looked down at Mecha Gail’s tits, still burning hot from firing off her bullets. He pulled out another joint from his robe and began to smoke.
“Lakshmi, prepare us some green tea.”
“Yes Buddha, my pleasure,” she replied with gentle sweetness, and dutifully went to the kitchen to make tea.
“Brent, my friend,” he placed his hand on my shoulder, “I must teach you to meditate.”
“Oh, I already do that at least three times a day. I learned how to do that by myself when I was 11 years old.”
“No, no,” he corrected me with a wave of his hand, “meditate. We will all meditate together. This is how you can help me revive Jesus. Most importantly…you will need this.”
Buddha pulled out another joint from his robe and handed it to me.
I sit here writing to you now, my eyes blurry and my head very sleepy after a several hour meditation session with Buddha and a motley pantheon of other gods. Buddha led myself, Lakshmi, Horus, Muhammad and Triton in a chorus of chanting around Jesus’s bedside. During the chanting, we utilized a colorful glass bong, taking two puffs each before passing it around the circle. Buddha stood at Jesus’s bedside, meditating as he chanted. He placed the palm of one hand on Jesus’s heart and the other on his abdomen below his navel. Pot smoke filled the hospital room like a thick fog, choking one of the nurses who came in to ask if we needed anything.
According to Buddha, this ritual should have activated all of Jesus’s chakras, which has slowly begun the healing process. It will take time for Jesus’s injuries to reverse, and for his god body to re-expand back into the 11 dimensions. I trust Buddha implicitly, who is Jesus’s best god-friend and who seems to be extremely experienced in what he is doing.
The situation is beginning to turn in our favor, but we are not yet out of the woods. Satan is as evil as ever, drunk on power, and he is building his army. We have won the battle, but we have not finished the war. Satan and his demons will be back. They will stop at nothing to finish the job of defeating Jesus, and making Satan King of the Earth for all of eternity.
I promise always to protect you my darling. You can rely on me to save you, save Jesus, and save the world.