Prepare For Battle
Dearest Gail,
The gods and I were at the Church of Gail food court, taking a much needed, albeit very late, dinner break. We had been spending much of our time guarding the church from further Satanic attack, especially the church hospital where Jesus lay in a coma. Due to the constant threat of demonic attack, we were up at all hours to be on guard.
“Aloha Snackbar!” Muhammad yelled suddenly, startling me from behind.
I ducked down on the table and covered my head, bracing for impact. Rather than explode, Muhammad extended his hand to offer me what looked like a granola bar sealed in a golden wrapper.
“Aloha Snackbar,” he repeated, “I always carry them with me in case anyone needs a snack.”
“Oh…” I said, relieved, accepting the snack. Muhammad smiled with a friendly nod, then went to go order his dinner at one of the food court restaurants.
Buddha sat beside me at the same table, sipping on some green tea. He graciously accepted an Aloha Snackbar for himself and set it on his plate.
“So…” I said to Buddha, “you guys are all Jesus’s closest friends? How long have you all known each other?”
“A long time,” Buddha said, gently cupping his tea with both hands and taking a sip. He looked over at Triton. The blonde, shirtless merman was ordering sushi from the food court. He pressed his hands flat against the display case, twitching his tail with focused delight as he eyed a delicious raw octopus tentacle on display.
“Jesus and Triton were the alphas of their fraternity back in god prep school,” Buddha explained to me, “they played varsity watersports together. You should have seen the two of them. Triton could control the waves, and Jesus could walk upon them,” Buddha mimed with hands, performing a walking motion with his two forefingers.
Buddha sipped his tea.
“They were quite the pair,” he trailed off with nostalgia, “their frat parties were out of this world.”
At the far end of our table, Muhammad chowed down hungrily on an Aloha Snackbar, reading the Quran as he awaited his order of terrorist food.
Buddha followed my gaze.
“Muhammad sees Jesus as like a brother to him. You see, Muhammad’s father is…well, an angry drunk. When Allah gets angry, his whole throne shakes.
Muhammad and Jesus were next door neighbors. Their dads know each other. Jesus and Muhammad would run off together often, playing in the fields with the lambs and goats, and reading to each other from the Bible and the Quran.
Jesus has always been there to comfort Muhammad when his dad got angry. Jesus would hug him and stroke him like a little lamb, and offer a platonic handjob whenever Muhammad was sad.”
“I see…it must be tough growing up with a parent like that,” I remarked thoughtfully, “that’s very sweet of Jesus to be there for Muhammad. That is so like him.”
I took a bite of the Aloha Snackbar. It had a toasted, almost burnt flavor to it, with a lot of sesame and just a hint of pineapple.
“And Horus?” I asked.
Horus was pecking at his empty plate, like birds do at the ground when there’s nothing there. Rather than order a proper meal at the food court, I knew Horus was hungrily awaiting a special order of nuts and seeds. After spending several days with the gods, I had come to know some of their habits and routines. I knew that Horus’s favorite bedtime snack was about five pounds of flaxseeds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, almonds and peanuts, which he would graciously eat out of little bags. He couldn’t sleep at night until he had stuffed himself full on nuts and seeds, after which he would pass out, waking only once or twice in the middle of the night to have a massive liquid bird dump.
“You know how much Jesus loves birds,” Buddha said.
“Oh yes, that’s true. He even transforms into one sometimes. At least, he did before all of the birds died and became drone spies.”
“Yes. Jesus and Horus are like kindred spirits. They used to fly around the world together, fighting crime and answering prayers.”
I looked over at Lakshmi, who was busying herself reading a book as she patiently awaited her order of vegetable stir fry. My heart skipped a beat, and I felt myself blush.
“Lakshmi is a selfless, all good girl,” I thought out loud, “Buddha, how did she and Jesus become friends? Their personalities seem so opposite of each other. Lakshmi is demure, domesticated and introverted. Jesus is an extroverted goofball, and polyamorous. It’s strange to think the two of them would become friends.”
“Ah…” Buddha said, “Jesus and Lakshmi go way back.” He took a deliberate sip of his tea, as if holding back his thoughts.
“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but…”
He took a breath, and proceeded with the story.
“Back in god school, Jesus was a very popular guy, as I’m sure you can imagine. Everyone knew who his dad was, so he had already arrived at school with a lot of clout.
And, Jesus had the charm and the looks to back it up. Jesus was handsome, outgoing, and the talk of the school. He earned the highest grades, and rivaled Triton on the varsity watersports team. He threw the coolest parties back at the frat house. All of the young goddess girls wanted him.
But, out of all the girls at the school, the only goddess that Jesus had his eyes on was Lakshmi.
Lakshmi was a quiet girl, but her confidence was radiant. Although she hardly said a word, it was like her inner beauty created an aura of magnetism around her without her having to even speak. Her introvertedness gave her an air of mystery, and made her seem a little hard to get. Jesus also knew, because of her high grades, that she was quite intelligent. She was like a girl who walked straight out of a romance novel.
Yet, Lakshmi didn’t even seem to notice Jesus. She was very dedicated to her studies, and preparing herself to be the goddess of domesticity and faithfulness in love.
Jesus did everything he could to get Lakshmi’s attention. He even borrowed a PUA book from his friend Mercury.”
“PUA?” I asked, “what’s that?”
“Pick Up Artist,” Buddha clarified.
“Oh, like a book that talks about the psychology of the opposite sex, and gives you tips and tricks on how to convince them to date you.”
“Yes, it’s like that, but this one was for picking up goddess women.
One of the chapters in the book suggested to act like the woman is helpless, and that they need your assistance. It said women love to feel like a damsel in distress.
So one day, after god classes, Jesus approached Lakshmi and he said,
“Hey Lakshmi. It looks like you need some help teleporting yourself home.”
“Umm… excuse me?” Lakshmi politely asked, caught off guard by such a strange statement.
“Yeah, I don’t think you can teleport yourself home. I’ll teleport you with me.”
“Oh…” Lakshmi paused, even more confused, “that’s quite all right Jesus. I’m a grown goddess and can teleport myself home.”
Without further discussion, Lakshmi teleported herself home, leaving Jesus alone.”
“Oouuch,” I said, clutching my stomach in schadenfreude.
“It gets worse,” Buddha said. He continued.
“Nothing Jesus did could get Lakshmi to notice him. He had done everything in the book, and he was so frustrated. Yet, he knew with all his heart this goddess was the one for him, and he wanted desperately to marry her.
So one day, Jesus had finally had enough. No more flirting, no more PUA. He wasn’t interested in getting to know her better, or in fact even dating her. No — he wanted to marry her.
Jesus went to Lakshmi’s dorm after school and knocked on her door, his face stern with determination and his heart full of hopes and dreams for their future together.
Lakshmi opened the door, surprised to see Jesus, whom she barely spoke to at school Shaking with nerves and almost crying, Jesus told Lakshmi,
“Lakshmi, whatever it takes to be the man that you need, I can be that man for you. I would like to be with you for the rest of my eternal life.”
Lakshmi’s roommate, who was watching the entire spectacle, put her four hands over her mouth and giggled.
Lakshmi blushed deeply.
“Jesus,” she finally replied, all of her delicate hands floating up to gently placate him, “I think you’re a very handsome guy, so I don’t want you to think it’s that. It’s just…I only like you as a friend, and you’re just not what I’m looking for.”
“Oh no!” I gasped, nearly doubling over in my seat as I held my stomach, “I can’t imagine how he must have felt!”
“Oh, Jesus was crushed, he was so heartbroken. To be honest with you, I don’t think he ever got over Lakshmi, even after all these millennia. They remained friends, as you see. Lakshmi may have rejected Jesus for marriage, but she still sees him as a kind and wonderful person.”
Buddha went for another sip, and the cup fell out of his hands, spilling hot tea all over the table. I quickly got napkins to sop up all the piping hot tea Buddha had just spilled, but he seemed unconcerned.
“Would you look at the time, it’s 3AM,” he spoke, his tone turning serious, “witching hour. That means Satan is awake, and at his most active.”
Buddha stood up, and called all the gods over to join us at our table. Everyone collected their food and sat down around us.
“We need to see what he is doing now, to prepare our next move.”
Buddha closed his eyes in meditation for a moment. He then spread his hands in front of him on the table, as if opening a scroll. A blue ringed portal opened between his hands. The portal became a one way window into what Satan was up to, and we could spy on him without being seen.
Just like us, Satan and his friends were gathering together to eat. Although for us 3AM was our very late dinner, for Satan and his devils, it was breakfast. Not much is open on Earth at 3AM, but Satan’s favorite was: Waffle House.
The Waffle House and its unwitting human staff found themselves in the company of devils.
Due to the high demonic presence in the room, the atmosphere inside the Waffle House twisted in form. The room fell into darkness as the flourescent lights blew out and faded. Only a few of the lights continued to work, flickering weakly. Pictures on the walls depicting staff and happy customers faded into shades of grey, their faces in the photos turning into swirls of blackness, and their eyes glowing white. The salt and pepper shakers and bottles of tobasco sauce on the tables transformed into ghost pepper flakes and Carolina reaper sauce respectively. The grills in the kitchen area ignited into high flames. This was Satan’s Waffle House.
Satan entered the room, his face serene and proud with his latest and greatest accomplishments. Glued to his hips, and hanging off of him from both arms, were two half naked demon sidepieces.
“How do you girlsth like my adonis form?” Satan asked in his high toned gay lisp, “pretty hot, isn’t it? This isth the form I wasth born with in heaven. Now that Jesus isth asth good asth dead, and God isn’t watching, I thought I would go back to my roots and wear something more beautiful.”
“Oh yeesss,” one of the demon women hissed, “it is very sexy!”
“Yes, yes, very sexy Satan!” the other woman echoed, purring as she stroked him.
I was informed that the demon on the right of Satan was the one called Lilith. Beautiful beyond imagination, with long raven locks and voluptuous warm breasts, she radiated pure lust. A tiny set of black curled horns adorned the sides of her head. She wore only a skimpy bikini that matched the color of her horns.
“Your beautiful angel form is so sexy, Gail will not be able to resist a power fuck like you!” Lilith complimented him, “oh how I love to seduce pathetic humans. I’ve visited many of Gail’s fans in their dreams. Climbing on top of them in their beds, and stealing their semen is the best! Hahaha.”
The demon on Satan’s left arm was a blue skinned woman named Kali. Scantily clad like Lilith was, Kali was otherwise adorned in a collection of golden amulets and Indian jewelry. Her prize piece in the set was a necklace made out of shrunken heads, their faces frozen in anguish and terror. Kali’s multiple arms hugged and stroked Satan. In one of her hands she grasped a small, bloody dagger.
“I just love to have all of my hands on you, Satan,” she croaked devilishly, “but I’ll love it even more when I get my hands on Gail’s men and her fans! Imagine all the beautiful decorations I can make when I cut off their heads! Hahaha.”
Satan chuckled, “oh don’t worry girlsth. With me in charge, you’ll both be able to have all the head that you want!”
The two devil women cackled, and then moaned sexually with delight, groping Satan and licking his angel nipples with their tongues.
“Oh sthit down, you couple a fag hags!” He smacked them on the asses and they moaned orgasmically in response, before taking their bare demon bottoms to a booth.
Satan sauntered to the Waffle House bar to order food. With a smooth and sexy forward tilt, Satan calmly leaned over and crossed his arms on the counter. His seductive blue eyes locked onto the Waffle House employee, caressing deep into their soul as he spoke his order. The Waffle House worker order froze with terror, eyes wide and unblinking as they shakily took down Satan’s order on a notepad.
“HEY! Quit touching my breasts!” A nasally voice complained from a table. I could immediately tell something was off about this voice. Not quite human, not quite animal, it almost sounded like the bleat of a goat.
Sitting at one of the booths was a monster I was told goes by the name of Baphomet. The creature had the head and legs of a black goat, and the wings of a bat. Its torso was that of a woman, and its bottom half was that of a man.
“Sorry,” a gravelly voice retorted insincerely, “I just wanted to know if they were a bitch’s tits, or, you know…bitch tits.”
“What difference does it make?” Baphomet spat, “tits are tits!”
“He doesn’t like it when you play with his goats tits,” Lilith chimed in, staring at the two squabbling demons as she wrapped her lips suggestively around the straw of her drink.
“My pronouns are THEY/THEM, thank you!” Baphomet bleated.
The gravel voiced demon sitting across from Baphomet laughed. Although this one was humanoid in shape, he looked nothing like a human. His body was tall and thin, and made of smoldering lava rock, giving off smoke as it burned. His tiny eyes glowed red like two hot coals.
The waitress came to the table with food for the demon. Nervous, she set down a bloody plate that contained only a slab of raw steak.
“Your order, Mr. Iblis,” she said shakily.
Iblis looked down at the plate and curled his claws in anger. He growled, and violently swiped the plate away.
“RARE! I said I want my meat rare, very rare!”
“S-sorry sir, I’ll have them make it again.”
“And I wanted LAMB meat. Real lamb!”
“We don’t carry lamb sir-“
“Then get some! God. What does a jinn have to do to get some real food around here?” Iblis stewed, his ashy body smoldering as he pulled out a cigarette to smoke.
On the other side of the room, a black African man sat at the end of the front counter. He appeared to be occupying himself. He wore dark shades and a black do-rag, baggy pants and a black tank top. To his left on the table was an old school boombox that was beating with rap music. The black man nodded his head and tapped his foot to the sound. Although at first this man appeared perfectly normal, and I thought perhaps he was the only human customer in the restaurant, there was something not quite right about him. A feeling of sickness seemed to permeate his presence.
An inordinate number of flies gathered around this man, much more than was normal at a Waffle House diner. I then noticed the tiny roaches crawling out of the man’s pant legs onto the floor.
SLAP!
A fly swatter smashed a huge mosquito on the counter, transmuting it into a mash of blood and guts. The black man threw himself out of his chair at the sight. He was way more upset than even a normal black person would get at the sight of a bug.
“Sorry sir, didn’t mean to startle you,” the cook apologized.
“…MOTHA… FUCKA!” The man reacted with rage, “a big beautiful mosquito bitch wit’ a thicc ass booty like dat, full a’ precious malaria, and you finna smash dat bitch in all the WRONG kinda way!”
“Uh, sir?”
“You have ANY IDEA how long my peoples have ruled dis earth, the tru kangs, the kangs that existed befo’ yo clean cities, and yo citranella candles, and yo bitch ass antibiotics and mothafuckin vaccines?!”
The black man flailed his arms animatedly as he spoke. Scatterings of fleas began flaking off from his clothes and onto the stools and bartop as he raged.
“S-sorry,” the cook apologized profusely, genuinely confused as to what was upsetting this man, “is this a Black Lives Matter thing?”
“You mean black lives matta? NO LIVES MATTA!” the black man made his hand like a glock and pointed a finger at the cook, then shot it like a gun, “BLAM! AIDS muthafucka!”
The cook grabbed his chest, and his eyes bulged out of his head. He began choking. Within seconds, his body began to wither away, sucking in on itself until he was nothing but skin and bones. He then collapsed over onto the floor, where he immediately died from fast acting Super AIDS.
“Das right nigga. You don’t MESS wit’ the bruthas and sistas of Shakpona!”
The black man was a deity by the name of Shakpona — the African god of pestilence and disease.
Shakpona finally calmed down, throwing himself back into his chair with a final snort, “sheeeit…”
The doors to the Waffle House opened, and the final member of the group had arrived.
“SIR!” the creature barked, “I am finished with my patrol of Huntsville, my Dark Lord!”
“Good boy, Anubis,” Satan thanked him, then patted his thigh, “come, we are ready to begin the meeting.”
Anubis was a tall, anthropomorphic black dog. His body was decorated in jewels and golden amulets. Upon command, he obediently approached Satan, who had joined with the other demons and deities at the booths.
“Sit,” Satan told Anubis, who did so, “good.”
“Now then…” Satan pointed his beautiful hands together, “sincesth I am now Emperor of the World, thanksth to Gail of courseth, it isth time to discuss our unfolding plan for world domination.”
A waitress brought a plate of chocolate chip pancakes to Satan, who thanked her politely. Satan took his silver fork and dug in for a bite.
“With Jesusth out of the way, now I-“
Satan paused, suddenly distracted by Anubis. The giant dog man was now staring deeply into Satan, his face frozen still and his ears perked straight forward.
“What?” Satan asked.
Silence from Anubis, who continued to stare.
“What is it?” Satan asked again, more irritated, “sthpit it out!”
With no response from Anubis, Satan tried to return to eating his chocolate pancakes, but was so disturbed by Anubis’s piercing stare, he could not.
“Would you sthop stharing at me like that? What, are you trying to make me choke?!”
Satan glanced down at his plate, then back up at Anubis with realization.
“You can’t have my pancakesth! They’re chocolate! Dogsth can’t have chocolate!”
“Awww,” Lilith cooed sweetly as she admired Anubis, “come on Satan, he’s already dead…”
Satan sighed, and forked over a bite of his pancakes to Anubis. Anubis snapped up the piece of pancake and swallowed it instantly, then licked his nose and returned to staring at Satan.
“W-what?! You just sthwallowed it! Did you even taste it you fool?!”
Satan groaned, “ughh…” He then turned away to address the group once more. Forking a few more pieces of pancake, he stuffed them into his mouth, and began chewing with his mouth open.
“Stho, Jesusth is as good asth dead,” he chewed, “all we have to do is finish the job, and the world will officially be oursth.”
Iblis snorted, blowing smoke out of all the cavities in his smoldering body. The air around him grew hotter, as his molten skin glowed bright red.
“They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Mine will be anything but…” his claws curled as he stared into the table with deep rumination, “thousands of years, and I am STILL fuming over Allah trying to force me to bow to Adam,” he slammed his fist on the table, embers flying, “Adam, a human! I will bow to no human, and certainly not to a nobody human woman like Gail! Look at me,” he gestured to his body, “I was formed from smoke and fire. I’m awesome. How could a being made of flesh and blood be superior to a powerful jinn like me?”
“Oh, you are HOT, my friend,” Satan agreed, “that’sth why we’re besth friends. When I take over the world, I will be the new God, and you can be the new Allah. Together, we will be President and Co-President of the world, just like Gail wasth with Jesusth!”
“How will we finish off Jesus?” Kali asked, “you and Baphomet have sent your devils, and Iblis has sent his jinn, but so far the Church of Gail has been able to fight back all of our troops.”
“Not for long,” Satan said with knowing confidence, eyeing a piece of pancake on the glint of his fork before taking a devilish bite, “asth the Gail Shield wearsth thin, and our forcesth grow stronger, we should break through their defenseth in no time.”
“Sir! My Dark Master Sir!” Anubis barked, “my canine soldiers have been watching Gail on her walks. She is doing some of the Gail Commandments, but not all. She is spending most of her time reading the Bible and fantasizing about God the Father, instead of getting 8 hours of sleep for the Gail Commandments.”
“Excellent, yesth! Thisth makes our job much easier,” Satan stabbed another piece of pancake, “distracting Gail from the Gail Commandments isth always useful to usth, and will weaken the Gail Shield, but, I have an even better trick up my sleeve…”
The table went silent, all of Satan’s friends listening very closely to him.
“You sthee, Gail isth stho co-dependent, and stho desperate for a relationship with God the Father, she would be willing to commune with a demon if it was a good enough fake…” Satan’s icy eyes slinked over at Baphomet, cuing him to speak.
“That’s where I come in,” Baphomet boasted evilly, flicking his furry black goat ears, “I’ve been using my brain control to cause Gail to become obsessed with the Bible, and to misinterpret all the passages. Now she thinks God is communicating to her through “impressions” and “ideas” she gets in her mind. The more she listens to me, the more she allows my demonic presence to invade her apartment, which rots the Gail Shield from the inside out. Since the Gail Shield is an extension of Jesus himself, it rots him from the inside out too. He’s been growing weaker in his hospital bed by the hour!”
The roundtable of evil deities howled with cheer and clapped. Satan leaned back in his chair, a huge smile spreading across his face. He wrapped his hands behind his head as he gazed proudly at Baphomet, enjoying every word.
“Get this, get this, I promised her that her and Brent would get a Feast of Booths as a prize for,” Baphomet mocked Gail’s voice in a pitiful tone, ” ‘standing by Jesus during his trial of Job!’ Bwahaha.”
The creatures all burst into wicked laughter.
“Das funny,” Shakpona pointed, his gold tooth glinting under the light as he grinned, “now das funny.”
“Cute,” Kali remarked, “that little nobody Gail wants to be a god. She wanted the whole world to worship her at a yearly festival, or else be punished with no rain. How grandiose of her.”
“That’s why I knew she would fall for it,” Baphomet snickered with pride, “Gail’s ego is so big.”
“Is that horny slut still trying to have sex with Jesus in his coma?” Lilith rolled her eyes, “come on, that’s something I would do. I mean, I know what it’s like to be desperate for a little cum, but damn girl, have some dignity when you rape someone.”
“A ho never learn,” Shakpona shook his head, lighting a cigarette off of Iblis’s fiery body, “Sex Mode finna put all men in a state of weakness, ya feel me? But dis bitch, she know dat Sex Mode made Jesus so weak, Satan wuz able to beat his ass inna coma in da first place. Sheeit. She tryna kill tha man?”
Iblis stared down at the table in disbelief, trying to make sense of the situation. He talked with his claws, tapping them up and down on the table as he articulated his words.
“First, she nearly kills the son of God by having sex with him…then, she’s so horny, she insists on having even more sex with him as he lay DYING in a hospital bed. Then, she tells her husband that he can make this situation better, by having sex with him?!”
“That’s pure me energy right there,” Lilith nodded with approval. Her eyes widened to express impressed surprise as she took another sip of her straw.
“But then she thinks it’s possible to become part deity,” Iblis continued with confusion, “and that she’s communicating through “impressions and ideas” with God the Father? And that he would support a human woman who seduced and nearly fucked his son to death?!”
“Gail is dumb,” Baphomet concluded, taking a vicious bite of a table napkin and eating it like lettuce.
Watching these deities through the portal with Buddha and the god friends, I squinted my face in anger, my hands clenching into fists. I couldn’t believe what they were saying about my beloved Gail!
Buddha kept his cool. He watched stoically, pulling a joint out of his robe and lighting it up to smoke.
The deities continued their conference.
“Once we kill Jesus, can I have his head?” Kali asked.
“Oh, but I want his semen first!” Lilith insisted.
The waitress returned to the table. This time she was carrying a live, baby lamb in her arms. Apprehensive, she placed the lamb on a plate in front of Iblis.
“Here you are, sir…lamb meat, as rare as we could prepare it this time…”
Iblis grinned devilishly, rubbing his clawed hands together, creating sparks between them.
“Finally! Fresh lamb!”
Iblis turned his palm toward the lamb, and shot a fireball at it, burning the lamb alive instantly and cooking it into a well done crisp.
“Ahh…perfect,” he concluded with a smoldering smile.
“Kill Jesus! Kill Jesus!” the demons chanted. They all began laughing together.
As the evil deities laughed, Anubis ears perked up, as though alerted. He sniffed the air. His divine olfactory senses had detected the smell of pot. Anubis’s hackles raised, and he began to growl.
Satan groaned with exasperation, “Anubis, there’s nothing outside. No barking.”
“Satan! Sir! My Master! We are being watched, My Dark Lord Sir!” Anubis announced.
“Oh?” Satan smiled knowingly, his face curling with curiosity. He began to laugh.
I looked over at Buddha, whose face remained stoic and undisturbed.
“Well then,” Satan stood up from his chair, spreading his arms wide as though addressing a vast audience, “to all who may be listening, allow me to announcesth my official plan for world domination. We are Satan’sth legion, and we are TAKING OVER THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHA!”
The demons at the table all began to laugh with Satan.
“MWAHAHAHA!”
“MWHAHAHA!”
“MWAHAHAHA!”
“MWHAHAHA!”
“MWAHAHAHAHA AWWOOOOO~!”
The laughing and howling faded into silence as Buddha closed the portal. He leaned back and shook his head with disapproval.
“What do we do now?” Triton asked with worry, “Jesus still needs time to heal.”
“Patience,” Buddha said calmly, “we must rest, and keep our balance. Satan will strike us when our guard is down. Go now. We must sleep.”
I am writing to you now from the bed where I lay beside you, invisible to you but ever present. We must all stick to the Gail Commandments, including our followers, and be on guard with our thoughts. The gods and I are sleeping in shifts now to cover the patrols of Church of Gail. We will not let Satan win.
You are safe beside me.
Your husband,
Brent Spiner