Baphomet Offers Some Education about Asexuality and Demisexuality (Gail’s Demisexual)
UPDATE on Aug. 2, 2022: We need to quit worrying about these SJW labels, and just be our unique, complex selves, regardless of labels. https://www.gabriellechana.blog/2022/08/02/baphomet-the-sjw-demon-we-need-to-drop-the-labels/
This explains why I actually found Jesus attractive when he opened up about his flaws to me. Rather than being repulsed by his confession that he had sex with me without being in love with me, I found it attractive because it emotionally connected with me. Unfortunately, as a demi, we are often guilty of sex without being in love, but doing it cuz it’s “expected”. Same goes for Zack Knight, when he opened up to me, for the first time, I found him attractive sexually. So in 2016, when I led him to Jesus I rewarded him with brain to brain sex, knowing this would be meaningful to him. That was the first time I found Zack sexually attractive by the way. He had to make himself open and vulnerable to me before I was willing to (or interested in) having sex with him as “himself”.
Demis and asexuals can be influenced by brain control though. In other words, if brain control is used on them they could feel sexual attraction which would be out of character for them. But once the brain control wore off, they’d be full demi or asexual again. So, if you’re hoping to have a sexual relationship with a demi or asexual and use brain control on them, they would really distrust you when the brain control wore off and would find you super repugnant afterwards and would feel really “raped” afterwards.
LYRICS: There’s more wine than blood inside these veins, these days. A distorted love-hate glitched out gaze. My baby heart once knew the way. But the sparkle’s gone, as they say. (The art of seeing, but not being seen. I fall asleep the sounds of the places I’ve been.) (In waves) When I feel you (baby) brush my hand. (Rolling in waves) When I feel you. When I feel you (baby) touch my hair. When I feel your fingers everywhere. When I feel you. There’s more salt than tears inside these eyes. So dry. But is it strength or drought if I’ve forgotten how to cry? The tendrils of this lullaby grow high. But they grow higher than I’ve learnt to climb. (In waves) When I feel you (baby) kiss my lips. (Rolling in waves) When I feel you (baby) grap my hips. When I feel you. Rolling in waves… Rolling in waves… Rolling in waves… When I feel you.
A demisexual put this Spotify playlist together to describe his/her feelings romantically as a demisexual.
Can a demisexual be monogamous?
There’s a difference between only wanting to have sex with your partner (monogamy) and only being sexually attracted to your partner and no one else (demisexual).
Can demisexuals have one night stands?
Demisexuals aren’t generally interested in one-night stands as they need to really know someone well before feeling a strong attraction. For demisexuals, physical appearance is a non-factor when it comes to forming romantic feelings.
Interesting that the first time I ever felt romantic feelings towards ANYONE was at age 13 and it happened when i heard this song “I Think I Love You”. I developed a “crush” on David Cassidy after hearing this song play on the radio. It’s a typical demisexual style attraction, where a “connection” happened and then the attraction starts. I believe I was BORN DEMISEXUAL. Cuz I’m now 64 and this song that I heard at age 13, still resonates with me. It’s a DEMISEXUAL SONG about demisexual style attraction. Also, I tend to find men attractive who can sing the right song to me. A guy sang Honey when I was 15 and I had a silent crush on him for a year afterwards. A Jewish guy I dated sang songs to me on our first date and I became connected to him for years and developed a very strong sexual attraction to him. I was very conflicted about that one, because as a Christian I felt it wrong to be sexually attracted to a non-Christian. None of the guys were good looking. But once I get a “connection” with them I get sexually attracted. With Christian guys, the connection is usually a spiritual/friendship one. I NEVER experience love at FIRST SIGHT. I only get sexual attraction AFTER A CONNECTION OCCURS. Once they make that CONNECTION, I can feel sexual attraction towards them. Like the guy could be fat, but if he makes that connection, I can find him attractive. You see, the music hits me at a subconscious level and gives me that “connection” I need to feel attraction. This song “I Think I Love You” is SO demisexual. He offers his love but gives his potential lover space, because those on the asexual spectrum realize that their lover may need space to decide whether they want to be sexual or have a romantic relationship. This song really hit me on a deep level as a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD discovering who I was sexually. This song is SO demisexual. There’s no flirting. It’s like he’s singing to his best friend and realizes he loves her and is just up front about his feelings and giving her space, like a typical demisexual. We demisexuals don’t flirt, we are just up front and obsessed with connection.
I can get an immediate romantic attraction, but if a sexual attraction is not part of it, it usually fades away quickly. I never get an immediate sexual attraction with ANYONE. I need a connection first before sexual attraction happens.
Why Are Some People Demisexual?
I honestly just think it’s the way some people are built. And really, its just a label for something that a lot of people have felt for a long time. Not a “new” twist, just a word for a feeling that many people have held throughout history and hold to this day.
Just for clarification, a demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.
For some people sex is purely physical, it’s a lot of fun, it’s pleasurable, and sometimes it’s just something to do after a night out. No judgment.
And for others, it takes time, and sex is an expression of some emotive experience: friendship or romantic. It doesn’t necessarily mean they have any less drive for sex, just that they either are not attracted to people without some form of deeper connection or while they do experience attraction, they find that sex is deeper and even more pleasurable when there is an existing connection.
I think that in the end it doesn’t matter. A demisexual is not looking for an instant hook-up or one-night stand and that is about all that it means.
People be people. 🙂
I identify as demisexual and polyamorous and have a happy relationship with my monogamous husband Brent Spiner. Interesting that the character he portrayed in Star Trek, Data, was asexual and Jesus, who is asexual, claims Brent is the most Christlike man on earth. People need to distinguish between having a sex drive and having sexual attraction. Read the brochure below to really “get” or understand those in the asexual spectrum, like myself and Jesus Christ. I also believe that Jesus subconsciously put some of his asexual sexual orientation into me in order to make me more compatible with him as his sex dummy when he thought he needed a bride to complete him as a god. He cannot remove my demisexuality without fundamentally changing who I am as a person, even though He has removed the small amount of monogamous Lakshmi he put into me. My demisexuality actually makes me perfect for monogamous Brent Spiner, since I don’t have much of a desire to act out my polyamory because of my demisexuality, needing a strong emotional bond before I have sexual attraction.
I have NEVER my entire life felt sexual attraction to anyone I met on the street or a complete stranger. In the case of Gerard Butler, Matthew McConaughey and some of those I’ve had brain to brain with, I participated in brain to brain sex with them at the insistence of what I thought was Brent or one of the men on my marriage list, believing that the sexual attraction would happen while I had it with them. I did experience romantic attraction watching them on film, but not sexual attraction. Because I was able to connect with them on a deep level in the brain to brain, the sexual attraction happened. But after we cut it off, the sexual attraction diminished quickly and no man has a deeper connection with me than Brent Spiner, which is the reason he’s my clear favorite and gets 98% of the brain to brain sex.
Jesus and I have always had an emotional connection, so, for that reason, he easily seduced me, when he decided to. However, I will note with interest, that the first night we just cuddled and I told him I preferred that over sex with him. After that, I had a tendency to delay the orgasm with him, so I could enjoy my connection with him, which meant more to me than the sexual intercourse I had with him. My demisexuality was coming out in force, even when I had sex with Jesus! Interestingly, Jesus seemed to enjoy the connection as much as I did and often seemed more interested in that than the actual sex. I did sense, with Jesus, that some of the sex was like a ritual to him and he wasn’t really getting into it. He, being an asexual and aromantic, seemed more excited as well about the emotional connection. I do believe asexuals can care about emotional connection. It’s more a deep friendship thing with them.
Demisexuality, which falls on the asexuality spectrum, differs from simply wanting to wait for a deep bond to form before having sex with someone; rather, it’s more akin to the experience of being asexual until that type of connection forms, at which point the sexual attraction extends only to that person. For allosexuals, on the other hand (people who aren’t on the asexual spectrum), waiting to have sex until forming a deep connection is more of a preference, and less of necessity to developing sexual desire.
Sexual attraction – Seeing someone and not only finding them attractive, but thinking you’d like to have sex with them, like fantasies and such. It’s attraction to another person that at its end wants to be physically intimate, as opposed to being attracted to someone in a way where you think, “I’d like to get to know them” or “I want to be their best friend” or “I want to be close to that person”.
Sexual desire – The desire to actually follow through with sexual attraction. I don’t consider physiological reactions to be part of sexual desire, really, because in my case I know my body responds to sexual stimulus, the difference is that my mind isn’t interested. So sexual desire is another mental thing, wanting actively to perform sexual acts with another person and believing that if you do you will feel gratified.
Common misconceptions and discrimination
One of the most common misconceptions that demisexual people face is the idea that they are prudes, afraid of sex, or willingly choose to abstain from having casual sex until they get to know the individual(s) better. That is simply not the case. Demisexual people can have plenty of casual sex; they just do not experience sexual attraction to their sexual partner(s) until an emotional bond is formed first, but they may still engage in sexual activity with the assumption that attraction will develop at some point.[2]
Someone who does choose to only have sex with people they have a close connection with is not necessarily demisexual. Demisexuality is not a choice, it is a sexual orientation, and unlike allosexual people who are capable of feeling sexually attracted to others they do not know very well, even if they choose not to act on it, demisexual people are actually incapable of feeling sexual attraction unless there is a deep connection established. It should be noted that forming an emotional bond with someone does not mean that a demisexual person is automatically attracted to said individual. It just means that the possibility is now open for the demisexual person to experience sexual attraction.[2]
Another common myth, similar to all orientations on the asexual spectrum, is that demisexuality is correlated to having a low sex drive, or libido, which is not true. Demisexuals have varying levels of sex drives and may have sex at varying amounts; some may have sex a lot, while some may not have it at all, and the frequency of which one has sex has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation. Demisexuality only refers to the deep connection necessary to feel sexually attracted to another person, not how often one has sex.[2]
It is also a misunderstanding that demisexual people need to be completely in love with someone in order to feel sexually attracted to them. Demisexual people do require a close connection to experience sexual attraction, but that connection can have varying degrees, depending entirely on the feelings of the demisexual person. For many people, it can simply be a close friendship or platonic relationship, while for others, romance and love may be necessary before sexual attraction arises.[2]
There is also a misconception that demisexual people are just “normal.”[7] This discourse stems from the belief that demisexuality is simply wanting to get close to someone before having sex with them. This is untrue because demisexual people aren’t just holding out from having sex with people, they just feel no desire to until they are close to that person. An allosexual person wanting to build a relationship with someone before having sex with them would be more of a preference, rather than a sexuality. For instance, an allosexual person may see a man that they’ve never met before and find him sexually attractive, whereas a demisexual person wouldn’t until they’ve built a platonic or romantic relationship with him.
Here is an excellent brochure that describes asexuality:
Am I A Demisexual? 15 Signs You Should Identify As One
IF YOU FEEL SEXUAL ATTRACTION ONLY AFTER FORMING AN EMOTIONAL BOND, THIS MAY APPLY TO YOU.
Do you find yourself disinterested, even repulsed, by the idea of having sex? Does it take months of knowing someone before you feel comfortable getting physically intimate with them? Does nothing turn you on more than a deep emotional connection? Then you may be asking yourself: am i demisexual?
What does demisexual mean?
Demisexual is a sexual orientation categorized by these feelings about sex, and is specifically recognized in people who are physically unable to become sexually attracted to another without establishing a strong emotional connection with them first, according to the Demisexuality Resource Center. The term comes from being “halfway between” sexual and asexual, says the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
The concept is a specific, slightly more sexually charged variation of asexuality—or the condition in which someone feels no desire for sex whatsoever—and is predicated on the fact that an intense emotional bond is needed as a precursor to sexual attraction or stimulation. That may not sound that odd, and many demisexual people probably don’t seem that different than anyone who is a little skittish about sex. But it goes beyond just needing to like a person before you feel ready to have sex. If you identify as demisexual, it’s extremely difficult to feel attracted to someone without being friends first. And while the experience is different for everyone, in today’s day and age, it can sometimes make finding someone all the more challenging.
Types of demisexual sexuality
Panoramic demisexual
People who identify as panoramic demisexual have to develop a strong friendship with a romantic interest in order to view them as such. Being panromantic, these folks are attracted to anyone, from any orientation or gender identity and typically tend to feel that their partner’s gender does little to define their relationship.
Biromantic demisexual
Similar to panromantic but more geared towards a spectrum of genders instead of sexual orientations, individuals who are biromantic are romantically, but not necessarily sexually attracted to more than one gender identity. Biromantic demisexuals are people who need to be strongly emotionally and romantically connected to someone to feel sexual attraction, regardless of gender.
How is gray asexuality different from demisexuality?
Gray asexuality, also known as “gray-A”, is a catch-all term used for anything between sexual and asexual that does not fit. According to the Demisexuality Resource Center, “Some demisexuals consider demisexuality to be under the gray asexual umbrella because it involves feeling sexual attraction in specific circumstances. Some demisexuals also relate to other definitions of gray asexuality, such as finding experiences of sexual attraction confusing or hard to pin down.” It is possible to use both labels if they both apply.
Demisexual vs. Pansexual: How do they differ?
Pansexual people feel a gender-blind attraction to all people, regardless of identity or sexual orientation, while those who identify as demisexual are a bit more complex. As mentioned above, those who are demisexual may or may not have a preferred gender. For demisexuals, the most important aspect of attraction is the deep feelings of a mutual emotional connection.
Signs of Demisexuality
Here are the 15 signs you might identify as a demisexual:
1. Demisexual people usually aren’t big fans of physical touch
Making out, grinding on the dance floor, even extended hugs are a turnoff to you. Physical intimacy, even with someone you’ve gotten to know, can be uncomfortable and make you feel a bit anxious. Unlike fraysexual (where the sexual attraction to someone comes right after meeting, but fades as the emotional bond strengthens), you’d rather have a conversation or get to know someone personally rather than feel them up. Sometimes you find these feelings overwhelming and unbearable. “If someone tried to initiate something [sexually], I’d throw my hands in the air and run out of the room screaming,” one demisexual person explained to Wired.
2. Demisexual people might grow up feeling different
Long before you ever wondered “what is demisexual,” you probably felt your sex life was different than other peoples’. Since your teen years or even earlier, you’ve been aware that you didn’t quite fit in with what everyone else seemed interested in, felt alienated when your friends talked about how sexy someone was or described their dating lives and sexual exploits. You felt like you might be missing something or that there was something deeply wrong with you.
3. Emotional bonds are extremely important to you
Trust, openness, and emotional connection are what really gets you going. You feel a high when you experience emotional intimacy with another person and sharing personal stories. Where other people might feel a thrill after sleeping with someone else, you feel a jolt of satisfaction after a night of great, personal conversation.
4. Demisexual people do enjoy sex, but only under specific circumstances
Unlike asexuals, who are repulsed by sex, full stop, demisexuals actually enjoy it—when very specific conditions are met. Specifically, you need to feel a strong emotional bond with someone before you could imagine enjoying getting naked with them. You would feel exposed and uncomfortable, rather than aroused, if thrown together with another person you didn’t feel a strong emotional connection with.
5. Demisexual people are often dubbed “prudes”
Friends who don’t really understand demisexual people will give you a bad time about your tendency to show little interest in getting laid and your inability to flirt will end up labeling you a “prude” or something similar. You’ve tried to explain that you just aren’t interested in sex with randos, but it’s a foreign concept to them and they assume you’re just nervous about sex.
6. Demisexual people long for a relationship—but not necessarily physical touch
Demisexual is distinct from asexual. It’s not that you aren’t attracted to others or interested in romantic relationships, and while you might get aroused by physical touch, you won’t be fully turned on by the physicality alone. That emotional part is integral to feeling the true sense of connection and desire.
One helpful Redditor broke it down this way: “I always recoiled and quickly withdrew from socializing altogether out of fear of being pressured into anything romantic or sexual with others, but as soon as I got home and in my own bedroom, I found myself longing for a relationship with someone… but the severe anxiety I felt whenever someone expressed any romantic interest in me kept me from dating anyone or even flirting back when it did happen.”
7. You aren’t alone
The term demisexual is relatively new—it was first coined in 2008, on the Asexual Visibility & Education Network website—but it’s been growing fast as more and more people come out as demisexual, refusing to be shamed about their unconventional attractions. A demisexual person can also be gay, straight, or bisexual, or pansexual and may not have a gender preference when it comes to sexual attraction.So while you might feel like you don’t fit in with the hypersexual times, take heart: there are many other demisexuals out there and even if they aren’t noisy about it, they are numerous. According to a survey in the UK, roughly 0.6 to 5.5 of the population is asexual. There are many more demisexual people than asexuals.
8. Demisexual people don’t get the “hook-up culture”
You feel out of step with the modern hook-up culture. While your friends feel a night out is not complete without a make-out session at the bar or at least getting a phone number with the potential for future fun, you’d be perfectly happy just chilling in a quiet corner and chatting with friends or getting to know a quirky stranger, with no interest in having anything progressing beyond a handshake.
9. Demisexual people don’t feel the need to act on their arousal the way heterosexual people might
Someone who is demisexual often feels baffled by how horny the rest of the world seems to be. It can seem nuts the way people will blow up their relationships or spend huge sums of money and vast amounts of time to try and get laid. You just don’t feel that sort of drive for sex.
“Overall, I feel like I’m not as sexually charged as the rest the world and rarely feel any sexual attraction towards anyone,” wrote a 23-year-old woman on a Reddit forum dedicated to topics about demisexuality. “When I do feel attraction, it’s after I get to know them or discover that they value me for my intelligence or another personal attribute.”
10. Demisexual people are sexually self-sufficient
Most of your moments of sexual gratification come from masturbation and when it comes to physical pleasure, you don’t see the necessity of another person.
11. Demisexual people don’t usually rate strangers’ hotness
When your friends talk about how hot some stranger is or rate a person at the bar on a scale of 1–10, you just don’t get what they’re talking about. It’s as if the concept is entirely alien to you. Judging a person solely by their online dating profile without having even spoken to them doesn’t come naturally to you, and isn’t fun for you to do.
12. For you, sex is about connecting
When you do have sex with someone else, it’s in pursuit of a deeper emotional bond. Physical touch serves as a method for connecting and getting to better understand and appreciate your partner, bringing them satisfaction and pleasure.
13. Demisexual people don’t get flirting
Your friends love having meaningless conversations with strangers at the bar or through Tinder, cracking jokes or going off on elaborate, goofy tangents about nothing (even as the subtext is very clearly about something very specific). You’d rather talk about something and lose your patience with the flirty chats that pass as communication between people who are moving toward getting into each others’ pants. Friends will often have to point out to you after the fact that someone was flirting with you when you had no idea in the moment—it’s a language you just don’t speak.
14. Demisexual people tend to date friends
You’ve heard so many dating gurus warn against “falling into the friend zone,” but that’s your favorite place! The only serious relationships you’ve had began as platonic friendships, where you’d gotten to know another person deeply before it unexpectedly progressed to something romantic. If the same friend had hit on you at a bar, there’s no way it would have gone anywhere. But a few months of hanging out as friends and learning what really makes them tick? Game on.
15. Demisexual people have sexual fantasies or enjoy erotic fiction
Demisexuals may have very active sexual fantasy lives—whether enjoying erotic stories, watching porn, or creating their own mental fantasies. The difference is that it’s not just the physical act of sex that turns them on, but the whole context of the person they imagine having sex with—there’s a major emotional component to these fantasies that give them an extra charge for the demisexual person.
Demisexuality: 8 signs you might be demisexual and what it really means
If you find it tricky to deal with swipe-and-scroll dating culture, this could be why. Taken from this article.
If you just don’t feel attracted to someone before a friendship develops – and the idea of a one night stand with a total stranger makes your blood run cold – you could be demisexual. The term is a relatively new way to understand and identify your sexual orientation, and refers to people who need to foster a deep, meaningful connection with a potential lover before they fancy them.
Demisexual differs from gender-related terms like homosexual, bisexual or pansexual, because it refers to the nature of the relationship to the people you’re attracted to. The emotional bond doesn’t necessarily involve love, or even romance – it could be platonic friendship. But without that connection, demisexual people won’t feel any attraction, sexual or otherwise.
We spoke to psychological therapist, counsellor and author Michael Padraig Acton about what demisexual means, how to figure out if you’re demisexual, and the impact it can have on dating and relationships:
What does demisexual mean?
Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone once they have developed an emotional bond with that person. ‘Demi’ means half, referring to being halfway between allosexual (experiencing sexual attraction) and asexual (experiencing little or no sexual attraction). For demisexual people, that strong emotional feeling is a prerequisite for getting physically intimate, which can make it tricky to find a partner in the swipe-and-scroll dating arena.
‘Demisexual is a term used for people who do not become attracted by aesthetics, gender, power, kindness etc, but instead are attracted by an unconscious and profound emotional connection,’ says Padraig Acton. Demisexuality is not a casual preference or a personality trait. It describes psychological attraction, not physical behaviour.
Demisexuality is not a casual preference or a personality trait. It describes psychological attraction, not physical behaviour.
‘Imagine being at a bar,’ Padraig Acton continues. ‘Conventional attraction would see several people that one could find attractive – sexually – even a turn-on. But not so if we are demisexual. Demisexual needs familiarity, closeness and a bond, long before any idea of intimacy may occur.’
It’s believed that demisexual people don’t feel primary attraction – an instant attraction to someone based on their physical appearance or smell – only secondary attraction, which develops over time. Demisexuality can sometimes come under the greysexual umbrella, which describes a person who tends to experience sexual attraction only occasionally, or regularly feels sexual attraction but isn’t very interested in sex.
Since an emotional bond is key to sexual attraction, a demisexual person may develop feelings for another person regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. In addition, a demisexual person might consider themselves to be gay, bisexual, polyamorous or pansexual. They may identify as male, female, trans or non-binary.
Related Story
Your questions about polyamory, answered
Why does the demisexual label matter?
‘Hang on’, you might think. ‘Don’t most people wait to feel an emotional connection to someone before having sex? Why bother putting a label on it?’. But there’s a difference between wanting to get to know someone before having sex and being demisexual.
Demisexuality isn’t a choice about having sex. It’s about the ability to feel sexually attracted to someone. Sexual attraction is out of your control – you either have sexual feelings for someone, or you don’t. A demisexual person cannot feel sexual desire towards another person until there is an established and intimate bond. They won’t lust after Idris Elba or Timothee Chalamet – or a ‘hot’ waiter at a restaurant – because the feelings of attraction just aren’t there.
It’s up to you as an individual to define what your sexuality feels like, how it presents, and how you choose to use that information.
The term demisexual isn’t a way to pigeonhole your sexual identity, but to make sense of it. If you’ve always wondered why you’ve never had a ‘crush’ on a celebrity or stranger, feel uncomfortable when people flirt with you, and can’t bear the thought of casual hook-ups, demisexuality can help to provide an answer to those questions.
Just like any other sexual orientation, there’s plenty of room for nuance and personal interpretation. Ultimately, it’s up to you as an individual to define what your sexuality feels like, how it presents, and how you choose to use that information going forward.
Demisexual vs sapiosexual
For a demisexual person, sexual attraction depends entirely on an emotional bond. A sapiosexual is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, to the point where they consider it to be the most important trait in a prospective partner – more than looks or personality.
You don’t need to know someone well to know whether they’re intelligent. For example, a sapiosexual person may be attracted to someone after finding out they’re a surgeon, scientist or lawyer. Meanwhile demisexual people require an intimate connection, regardless of a person’s IQ.
Related Story
8 ways to tell you might be demisexual
No one can tell you whether you’re demisexual – 0nly you know whether the label fits your past experiences and current feelings. And even if the label does fit, you don’t have to use it. Fostering a better understanding of your personal wants and needs can help you better navigate future romantic encounters, whether you tell people you are demisexual or not.
‘Growing up, we all develop differently,’ says Padraig Acton. ‘Some people do need more of a connection before having sex. Others can hook up for sex and find a connection in mutual and consensual pleasure. If you are wondering whether you are demisexual, you could well be.’
Below, you’ll find 8 common thoughts and behaviours associated with demisexuality. Being demisexual looks different to different people, so you don’t need to identify with each and every statement – it’s not a checklist, just a guide:
1. Your relationships start as friendships
When you look back on previous relationships, most – if not all – were forged from friendships. You might find that you frequently develop feelings for your close friends, or people you have known for a long time. Some demisexuals may feel comfortable having sex with their friends, even if they aren’t interested in them romantically.
2. You have mixed feelings about sex
Sex might not be high on your list of priorities, even when you’re in a relationship. You might place higher value on cuddling, kissing and showing affection as expressions of intimacy. You might find you can happily date someone for months or even years without having sex at all – or maybe you fundamentally enjoy sex, but feel anxious or awkward about having it.
3. You’ve been called a ‘prude’
If you’re demisexual, you generally aren’t interested in one-night-stands and the idea of having casual sex makes you feel uneasy rather than empowered. Even in relationships, you might choose to have sex because ‘it’s what couples do’, or because you hope you’ll like it more if you try it. Maybe you focus on pleasing your partner because you find it hard to fully ‘let go’ physically. It could be that porn does nothing for you, because sex has to be connected to a significant person in your life.
4. You can’t find anyone you’d like to have sex with
Being demisexual isn’t about your capacity to enjoy sex, it’s about sexual attraction. Maybe you’re the kind of person who enjoys porn, masturbates, and gets hot under the collar while watching sex scenes in films – but when you try to think of someone you’d actually like to have sex with, your brain goes totally blank. Maybe you hope to spot someone you fancy at a party or the pub, but no one ever jumps out at you as sexually attractive.
5. Looks are mostly irrelevant to you
Physical appearance isn’t very important to you – semi-naked beach pics don’t start your engine. Instead, you’re attracted to personality and exploring shared interests. For that reason, you don’t tend to relate when friends point out a ‘sexy’ barista at the local coffee shop. You’d only feel sexually attracted to the barista if you formed an emotional bond with them over time. You might’ve been told that you’re ‘fussy’ or ‘picky’ for that reason.
6. You don’t like or don’t ‘get’ flirting…
Maybe you’re oblivious as to when people are flirting with you, or it might make you feel uncomfortable and unsure what to say in return. Either way, flirting seems pointless to you. Why waste time exchanging meaningless back-and-forth when you can have a conversation based on deeper, more personal matters? It doesn’t mean you don’t have a sense of humour – just that you’d rather share jokes based on established interests.
7. You feel a lot of pressure on first dates
If you’re demisexual, you probably like to delve into deep topics on the first date in order to truly get to know the other person. You don’t want to lead someone on by dating them unless you know you’re attracted to them – but the kicker is, you won’t know if you’re attracted to someone until you get to know them better. You might find you frequently talk yourself out of going on a date with someone.
8. It’s a big deal when you’re into someone
When someone captures your attention, you feel deeply for them, and you’re not afraid to commit – most of your relationships are long-term. You may find that you couldn’t bring yourself to physically cheat on someone, because you don’t find anyone else attractive. Additionally, you may feel intense feelings of rejection if you have sex with someone and they ghost you or become emotionally unavailable afterwards.
Related Story
8 steps to a happy relationship
Demisexual dating and relationship tips
If you’re demisexual you may not want a relationship – and if you do, you may not want to have sex. Alternatively, you may want to pursue a healthy relationship and sex life, but feel intimidated by the frenetic pace of online dating culture. However you feel, here’s how to navigate dating and relationships as a demisexual:
💟 Use an app with a demisexual category
Dating apps like Tinder and OKCupid allow you to list your sexual orientation as demisexual, which can be useful for finding like-minded souls.
💟 Tell people you’re looking for friendship first
Generally, honesty is the best policy. Being upfront about looking to kindle friendship first can take the pressure off prospective dates and help you filter out less-compatible people.
💟 Expand your social circle
If you’re the type of person who likes to date people you’re already friends with, make some new friends. Hatch plans to hang out with friends of friends, widen your social group, and who knows who you’ll meet.
💟 Open up, if you feel comfortable
If you’re in the early stages of seeing someone and unsure how you feel – especially if you’re part of the two thirds of demisexuals who are repulsed by or indifferent towards sex – it might help to open up about your feelings towards sexual attraction. You don’t need to use the label ‘demisexual’ if you don’t want to.
💟 Talk to your partner
If you’re already in a relationship, coming out to your partner might feel overwhelming. If it’s something you decide that you want to do, remember that your relationship remains unchanged – you’ve just found a word to accurately describe how you have always felt. You might even find it helps to bolster your sense of self and therefore your self-esteem.
💟 Be mindful of your emotions
Sex is often used as a way to measure emotional connectedness in relationships, but if your drive wanes, don’t panic – or blame yourself. ‘All healthy relationships have ups and downs, as well as changes in context and circumstances, which can impact sexual attraction for someone who is demisexual more than someone who is not,’ says Wilkie.
💟 Don’t expect your partner to ‘get it’
Have the patience to explain your needs and boundaries – don’t make assumptions that your other half will instinctively see where you’re coming from. ‘It’s best to be mindful not to expect our partners to see through our eyes, as we are all very different, and fortunately, that is OK,’ he says. ‘To be informed and accepting is the healthy way forward.’
Additional resources
For further help and support, try one of the following resources:
- Demisexuality Resource Centre: an essential blog about all things demisexual, from basic principles and common myths to coming out and healthy relationships.
- Reddit: has an active demisexual community where users posts questions and advice.
- AVEN forum: online asexual community that also has resources on greysexuality.
- Demisexuality Resource Centre forum: forum discussing demisexuality as a sexual orientation.
- The Trevor Project: providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning youth.
- Stonewall: charity campaigning for the equality of lesbian, gay, bi and trans people across Britain.
- Samaritans: free, 24/7 emotional support to anyone in distress.
Here’s What It Means to Be Demisexual
Everything you need to know about the sexual orientation right this way.
by HAYLEY MACMILLEN, JULIA PUGACHEVSKY and RACHEL VARINA
AUG 9, 2021
If you’ve ever felt like you were able to see someone in a sexual light only after forming an emotional bond with them, you may be demisexual. The term is a sexual orientation used to describe someone who doesn’t normally find themselves sexually attracted to people they don’t know.
There’s a good chance you’ve at least heard of it—especially after Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo, the daughter of New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, recently came out as demisexual in June of this year. But Wired reports the word first came into existence on an Asexuality Visibility and Education Network forum on February 8, 2006.
Because the term can often get confused with being greysexual or having low sexual desire, here’s the breakdown of what it actually means to be demisexual and how to explore your demi feels and desires.
What is demisexuality?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation that technically falls under the asexuality umbrella, explains demisexual activist Kayla Kaszyca, cohost of the Sounds Fake but Okay podcast. “People who are demisexual only form a sexual attraction to a person once they have formed a close emotional bond with them,” she says.
“Demisexuality is about sexual attraction rather than sexual action. And just like anyone else, a demisexual person can choose to have sex with someone they are not attracted to.”
Demisexuals are people who typically need to feel a strong emotional connection with someone in order to feel any sexual attraction to them. In other words, demisexual people are capable of sexual attraction but only in specific circumstances.
Who exactly is demisexual?
It’s common to think demisexuality is a blanket statement for anyone who doesn’t like one-night stands, but that’s actually not correct. “Lots of people feel sexual attraction to people they don’t know, and I have friends who genuinely don’t get why I don’t enjoy casual sex,” says demisexual writer and artist Essie Dennis. “I don’t feel sexual attraction to people I don’t know…and I don’t really have crushes of a sexual nature. It’s just a different way of experiencing attraction.”
Again, demisexuality is about sexual attraction, not sexual action. So it’s important to keep in mind that being demisexual is different than making an active choice to abstain from sex.
“While it may be true that many people wait until they have a bond with someone to have sex, it is not true that everyone doesn’t experience sexual attraction until there is a bond,” explains Kaszyca. “There is a difference between forming sexual attraction and deciding to participate in a sexual act.”
Is being demisexual the same as having a low libido?
Another way people often get demisexuality wrong is by thinking it’s the same as having a low libido or sex drive. However, just because you are demisexual doesn’t mean you’re averse to the idea of sex or sexual pleasure. “Libido and attraction are two different things,” says demisexual writer and activist Elle Rose. “A person may have a drive for sexual pleasure without experiencing sexual attraction to another person.”
It’s also important to note that while demisexuality indicates potential interest in sex, some demisexuals might be repulsed by the idea of sex—and even if they feel a sexual attraction to someone, they might not necessarily want to act on that urge.
When talking about demisexuality, it’s a good idea not to focus so much on whether or not the person is willing to or wants to have sex. Choosing to have sex or wanting to have sex for emotional or even physical reasons isn’t the same as being sexually attracted to someone.
“Those of us who are favorable toward having sex are not not demisexual or asexual,” Rose says. “[Demisexuality] centers on what we experience first rather than our attitude toward the act of sex itself.”
What’s the difference between demisexual, demiromantic, asexual, allosexual, and greysexual?
While “demisexual” falls under the “asexual” umbrella, they’re not interchangeable terms. An asexual person experiences no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. Even though some demisexuals can live a mostly asexual experience, there are usually a few exceptions for that rare or conditional attraction, says Rose.
“Demi people and asexual people are physically capable of having sex, and although they may not be sexually attracted to anyone (or not until they have a close bond), that doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in sex,” says Kaszyca. “Again, it’s a lack of sexual attraction, not a lack of sexual desire.”
While greysexual people (or gray-asexual, grey-ace, gray-ace) rarely experience sexual attraction, they don’t necessarily need to have the emotional closeness that a demisexual individual does.
“Essentially, demisexual people only form sexual attraction in certain circumstances. Grey-aces can form sexual attraction under any circumstances, it just doesn’t happen often,” Kaszyca explains.
“Demisexual” is different than “allosexual” because that term is used to describe anyone who feels sexual attraction at all. And again, demisexual people need to form an emotional bond first before experiencing any sort of sexual attraction.
“Demisexual” is also different from “demiromantic” because the former talks about sexual attraction and the latter talks about an emotional/romantic connection—and neither term discusses the lived-in experience.
Related Terms:
Can you be demisexual and another orientation?
Not only can you be demisexual and have another sexual or romantic orientation, but there’s often a lot of overlap. Because demisexuality simply describes the fact that someone can form a sexual attraction only if there’s a strong emotional bond, it doesn’t describe gender preferences (or lack thereof).
“Their sexual attraction could end up leaning more toward men, women, or any other gender, and the extent to which that occurs would influence whether they’d be something like demi-bisexual,” says award-winning asexuality activist Yasmin Benoit.
Some people simply don’t feel the need, whereas others like to get as specific as possible. There’s no wrong way to label (or not label) yourself. “Labels are tools to help you describe your experience, not a test to live up to,” notes Rose.
What being demisexual looks like
Because being demisexual is on a spectrum, what it means might look and feel a little different for everyone. Some demisexual people prefer to be friends with someone before opening up any conversations about romantic dating. Others may never feel any sort of sexual attraction to anyone at all.
Rose explains that while some people’s sexual attraction can happen very quickly, for other people, the sexual attraction could take a period of years. “Sexual attraction can also fluctuate within demisexuality: Maybe you experience it once the bond is formed, and then it goes away,” says Rose.
What are some signs you may be demisexual?
Because being demisexual looks and feels different for everyone—and can get confusing when compared to other sexual orientations like greysexual and asexual—here are a few common experiences the experts say might point to your demisexuality:
- You’ve never felt sexually attracted to someone you just met or haven’t even met—like a celebrity.
- You usually aren’t sexually attracted to someone unless you are friends/have known them for a long time.
- If you only/usually feel sexual attraction after you really get to know someone.
- You’re unsure as to how people feel sexual attraction before forming a close romantic bond.
- At times, you felt like you were merely going through the motions of sex without being sexually aroused/attracted to your partner.
- You want to have sex even if you don’t feel sexual attraction to someone.
- You enjoy the closeness of sex even though you don’t feel a sexual attraction to your partner (you might feel a purely romantic attraction instead).
- Pornography usually isn’t appealing to you.
Just like any sexual orientation, figuring out whether you’re demisexual comes down to experiences and self-reflection. Consider experimenting with different types of relationships, media, or activities to see if sexual attraction develops.
Dennis also suggests having open conversations with people you trust. “It was very freeing for me to have honest chats with my friends about sexual attraction in order to realize that I was different [from] them,” she says. “Nonjudgmental spaces are so important.”
Ultimately, if the term feels valid—or close—it’s okay to use it. In fact, Rose explains that sometimes figuring out if it correctly identifies you is as simple as trying it on. “[Even] if you decide later that it wasn’t for you, it doesn’t invalidate the time you thought that it was or invalidate your experiences that come after,” she says. “Labels don’t have to be stagnant. People certainly aren’t.”
How to find community as a demisexual person
If you are looking for a more affirming demisexual community or just want some additional resources, there are a lotta options. In addition to The Trevor Project and TrevorSpace, there are a number of Facebook groups that offer demisexual support, such as The Demisexual Safe Space, The Demisexual Group, Demisexual Social Community, and Agender, Aromantic, and Asexual.
Also, there’s a flag! The demisexual flag is similar to the asexual flag of black, gray, white, and purple horizontal stripes, but instead of the black stripe, it has a black triangle on the left side.
How to be a better ally
The first step to showing your allyship is simply to listen to your friends and partners who are demisexual. “Demisexuality can be difficult to understand, and we know that,” says Kaszyca. “Even if you don’t understand something at first, don’t discount it or write it off. Do your best to listen to the experiences of demisexual people and take them in. In the end, believe people at their word. If someone tells you that they are demisexual, believe them.”
It’s a good idea to take the time to educate yourself on what it means to be demisexual rather than assuming your friend or partner will be your educator. This allows you to have more informed conversations. Try subscribing to a newsletter like Ace Week or looking for different demisexual and asexual activists you can follow on social media. While some of the resources may seem like they’re focused on asexuality, they’ll still give you a good starting point for your journey to understanding demisexuality.