Baphomet Emphasizes Gail’s Demisexual Polyamorous Experience
UPDATE on Aug. 2, 2022: We need to quit worrying about these SJW labels, and just be our unique, complex selves, regardless of labels. https://www.gabriellechana.blog/2022/08/02/baphomet-the-sjw-demon-we-need-to-drop-the-labels/
Polyamory is the capability or desire to be in a relationship with more than one person at once. Polyamorous can be used both as a description of a relationship with more than two people and as description of people who desire such relationships. Polyamorous relationships can be romantic, sexual, or both; they may also be based on tertiary attraction such as queerplatonic relationships. Polyamory is not considered cheating, because all parties are aware of all other parties involved and consent to their involvement. Polyamory can be as simple as an open relationship or it can be three or more people who are all in a relationship with each other. Polyamorous is not a sexuality on its own, but more of a description of how one can experience attraction. Polyamorous people can have any sexuality.
Demisexual is a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone. The connection can be romantic, platonic, or some other form of connection. What counts as a “close connection” can vary between demisexuals. Forming an emotional bond with someone does not mean that one is automatically attracted to said person, as it just means there’s now a possibility for one to feel attraction.
It is important to distinguish between typical sexual attraction to friends and romantic partners, and demisexuality. Additionally, it is important to note that demisexuals are not simply choosing to abstain from sexual activity until they know the person better. Allosexuals are capable of feeling sexual attraction to people they do not know very well, though they typically choose not to act on it. Demisexuals are incapable of feeling sexual attraction unless a close relationship is established, though they may still engage in sexual activity with the assumption that attraction will develop at some point.
Demisexual can be a sexual orientation on its own or can be combined with other orientations. For example, one could be demisexual and polysexual (demipolysexual), meaning that when one does experience sexual attraction they can experience it towards multiple genders, but not all genders.
Finding some people with my demisexual polyamorous orientations. I am in a happy relationship with my allosexual, monogamous, heterosexual husband Brent Spiner. He’s very passionate. Fortunately, for him and me, I have a strong connection with him, so I can still give him all the sex he wants. Sometimes he keeps me up far later than he should though. LOL. The problem is when he starts having sex, because I’m a demi, I tend to have a slow build-up to an orgasm, so it takes me a loooong time to get an orgasm and I think I also subconsciously stall the orgasm to enjoy the connection. This can be a problem when I need to sleep!
Ironically, the only other person I really crave right now outside of Brent is Jesus and I long for platonic intimacy with him. Jesus had sex with me (Feb. and March 2022), and we bonded emotionally when He did and I just can’t forget that bonding. I actually have a lackadaisical attitude about sex with Jesus, and this was the case even when He was doing it with me! I guess not most people can relate to a human emotionally bonding with a deity, so my experiences will be rather unique.
I think I’m a little spoiled. I have two people or “beings” in my life that I have a super strong emotional connection to and that connection is so special, it makes the others seem tame. Jesus is asexual and aromantic and I totally respect that. He did seem to dig the emotional connection we had during sex and I could live on that, without any sex, forever, as far as I’m concerned! I conduct my platonic intimacy with Jesus by talking to him through prayer. I find this very satisfying. He doesn’t talk back, but that’s okay. Jesus decided to leave earth permanently.
It’s kind of like the relationship I had with Brent in the 1990s when He had a wiretap on my phone, but he never talked to me back then. Some may argue that the emotional connection with Jesus was romantic. But I don’t think it was romantic. It was more like deep friendship and platonic intimacy. I will try and describe it in Bible for Future Saints. Yeah, Jesus baring his vast heart to me like that during sex was a real turn on. I ended up stalling the orgasm just to float on that aurora borealis of connection I had with his vast heart. Ironically, Brent Spiner is just as vast as Jesus and with him, to keep him happy, I give him lots of hot sex, but I tend to stall my orgasms with Brent, too, cuz I prefer the connection over the sex. I’m a demisexual, after all! LOL
Brent’s getting smarter about turning me on and keeps calling me his best friend while making love to me. That does turn me on, but it still doesn’t stop me from stalling the orgasm so I can prolong the connection. I’m a demi to the end! At least, he gets sex, even if I can’t always give him thrilling orgasms. And I let him have my vagina whenever I am in bed. He’s sort of in another dimension when he makes loves to me and I can choose to sort of ignore him and just go to bed, if I want. This works out great for a demi. I’m a happy camper. Brent and I have had a relationship since 1990! I only recently figured out I’m a demi and polyamorous and now I feel really validated.
Are demisexuals able to be polyamorous?
Sure, that would be me. It seems the main difference between me and some (not all, of course) of my poly friends is I am simply more likely to take weeks or months to have sex with someone, while they might go ahead right away. Other than that, there doesn’t seem to be much difference.
I have encountered one or two guys who didn’t understand why I didn’t want to sleep with them right away. There are those who feel that sex can initiate a connection and build from there. I work the other way around, and have had to explain myself a couple of times – they basically said, “Why not?” and I said, “Why?”
In most cases, though, the guys I connect best with also enjoy the buildup of affection and anticipation over a period of time before “consummating” the relationship.
How do I find them? Usually via OkCupid dot com, where I can explain my approach and my values in detail and find men who share those ideas. I only find compatible partners every few years, which is fine – for me it’s about quality rather than quantity. – Juliette Siegfried
I believe they can, I identify as both, and have openly seen more than one person at once on multiple occasions, both of whom I was attracted to and had feelings for. the demi part of me takes like a year or two to get feelings for people so I only fall for people close to me or friends (ugh I know) and it causes a few problems as not everyone operates the same way….!!!! – Amanda Jeffs
How common is this? I am the only man i know of that is both polyamorous and demisexual. Reading profiles on meetme and okc, i dont see it very often. I have only come across a couple, and both were female.
Its kinda annoying sometimes. I can usually build an emotional connection with someone over time, but its nearly impossible for me to build one as fast as other people seem feel connected to me. Which makes sex a bit awkward for me. Usually, i end up having sex with someone before i feel an emotional connection to them because they are pretty much pushing for it.
This may sound bad, but i usually see sex as a tool to help my partner feel more secure. At least, early on in the relationship anyway. I do my best to please, so i have had no complaints so far lol. The longer i am in a relationship, the more likely i am to start desiring them.
Is it really that rare? I think it must be, since nobody seems to believe it when i first tell them. Then, afted a while, when i have talked their ear off about a zillion topics and learned a lot about them, they start to wonder why i havent brought sex up. Then i remind them and let them know that i am not opposed to having sex, i just feel no desire for it until i have started to feel close to them. Which often leads to awkward conversations about where my mind goes in order to maintain an erection lol.
Anyone else had to deal with this combination? It certainly makes things difficult for new partners… they know i want my wife all the time and dont really understand why i dont want them the same way, early on. Especially since the NRE chemicals are driving them batty… made worse by the fact that i have never experienced NRE… – tecklemino
I’m also polyamorous and demisexual! It makes online dating difficult and frustrating for sure. But it’s also pretty freeing in the sense that I don’t feel like I’m depriving my all allosexual partner of all sexual expression when I’m not in a place to want to have sex with them (yet or, in existing relationships, when I’m feeling extra asexual for whatever reason).
It’s pretty common for people on the asexual spectrum to have sex with people for reasons other than sexual desire. I enjoy making my partners feel good, and I love the bonding feeling of skin to skin contact. You want to help them feel more secure. As long as you’re consenting to the sex and not harboring resentment over it, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I tend to experience NRE in the “wanting to spend all my time with you” way more than the “wanting to have sex with you all the time” way, unless I’m starting a relationship with someone I’m close to to begin with.
Demisexual is still a pretty rare sexual orientation identity. I tend to find more women with men that label themselves this way. I wonder if sexuality socialization has anything to do with it.
Anyway, you’re not alone! – AutumnLeaves
I’m also demisexual! I don’t generally describe myself as polyamorous because I’m not commited to a lifetime of nonmonagany. Personally I can see myself happy and fulfilled in either a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship (I’m currently in a triad with my boyfriend and girlfriend). I am a fairly sexual person in that I do enjoy sex but I don’t often experience sexual attraction and only when I know someone on a very personal level and I seek out people with a particular kind of personality. Like OP mentioned, it’s not even the sex itself but the closeness to another person. If I were in a relationship that just consisted of cuddling and touching and physical closeness I could be just as satisfied. If I’m feeling particularly unsatisfied one day it’s due to a lack of closeness rather than a lack sex.
Dating sucks as a demisexual, I have had no luck on dating sites at all (of course I’m not using them anymore) and I don’t think I’d bother going back to them if I found myself single. I personally don’t know anyone else who is demi, and sometimes my partners have a hard time understanding that my desire for physical affection is generally non-sexual, especially my boyfriend because we were fwb for a year before we started dating. I liked having sex with him, and it was because he was my best friend and the person I knew most intimately. We’d often go out together just to meet other people, and try to wing for each other, and more than once brought someone home together for a bit of 3-way fun but I never enjoyed those much because I didn’t feel the same kind of attraction as he did (don’t get me wrong though, it was a good time). It wasn’t until I met my girlfriend (we were friends for a good while before getting involved romantically) that I could really appreciate being with another woman and fully enjoy myself, because I was attracted to her on an emotional level. I’ve never dated a woman before and I’ve learned a lot about myself through her, to the point where if we broke up (and God forbid because I love them both to dearh) I’d be much more confidant in myself dating women whereas before though I was open to the idea I was very insecure in myself to be able to be with a female partner (and I’m still learning a lot).
Anyway, that’s my personal experience. To finish up this thought I’m very lucky to have my partners and with them it doesn’t matter that I’m demi, and we all do a fairly good job of taking care of the others’ needs whatever they may be. I hope you have the opportunity to make some demisexual friends but in the meantime it sounds like you’re doing pretty well for yourself. Keep your chin up, you’re not the only one. – Clirkus
Growing up I didn’t know anyone who was non-monogamous. I didn’t know what polyamory was, or even the term “non-monogamy.” But at the age of 14, I started dating an 18-year-old. I was very young so we weren’t in a physical relationship, but I eventually discovered that he was cheating on me and sleeping with someone else who was also older. My initial reaction was that while it was wrong of him to lie, I had no real problem with what he had done, because it was separate from our relationship. It made sense to me that we still loved each other but that he was able to meet that need somewhere else. Even though we eventually broke up and everybody was saying that it was wrong and he didn’t deserve me, how I felt made sense.
A few years later, I moved into college dorms and met Daniel. We were both 18, and he had never had a girlfriend so I was trying to set him up with my roommate. I didn’t think I would ever date him because he didn’t seem my type; he had a Beatles’ bowl haircut at the time and wore all his brother’s oversized clothes. But we were always hanging out; we had a “friendship spark.” I was really attracted to who he was, and I became more attracted to him the more I got to know him.
We started dating, but I didn’t want to be exclusive. Daniel’s attitude, however, was that we should settle down and that our path should be marriage and kids. He envisioned that he would become successful and I would take care of our family. We did become exclusive quickly, but I told him that wasn’t going to be me. I knew very early on that I’m not really interested in having kids or getting married.
After three years, we separated for around six months because I wanted to explore dating other people, but I kept gravitating back towards Daniel. So we ended up going back to being exclusive for roughly four more years. Then, around eight years into our relationship, Daniel started asking more questions about why I believed we should be able to love other people as well as each other. He ended up really liking what I was picturing for our future, which is that we both want to be successful, we both want to live for ourselves and each other, we don’t necessarily need to have children to be happy—although we have discussed adoption in the future—and we don’t need to be married to be committed. I hadn’t read about polyamory, it was just what made sense to me, and it started to make sense to him.
Daniel and I started exploring non-monogamy together in 2015, but it happened very slowly. For example, we agreed that if I met someone on a girl’s trip to Vegas, I was allowed to do what I wanted. And I did kiss someone. That was as far as I wanted to go. It was fun telling Daniel about it and it didn’t hurt our relationship. After that, little things would occur. We’ve had some level of relationship with at least three close friends and that’s because I feel that friendships can go in that direction. Even in a single evening, you can get to a deeper level where you feel more vulnerable, intimate and attracted to a friend. But because our communication is so good and we’re aware of their feelings and our feelings, those people remain in our lives without the situation becoming weird.
There are various different versions of non-monogamy and the ones I feel people are most aware of are swingers or open relationships where the agreement is centered around allowing sex with people outside the relationship. For us, polyamory is focused on falling in love with other people. It might end in sex or sex might become a big part, but it’s more about caring, loving and being in a committed second or third relationship.
Something I have never liked about monogamous relationships is that when people find their “person” they don’t seem to explore as much anymore. There are couples out there who are monogamous and still go out and socialise, but when I talk to them, it feels a little like a wall is up.
When you go out, you might meet someone and connect with them on an intellectual level, or discover you have something in common, which can be wonderful. But the problem is that there is a chance you will develop feelings for them. To avoid that I feel that people can keep a wall up. It feels like a fear; that people are afraid of connecting with a new person because there may be a spark. That’s sad to me, I feel like sparks are the best part of life.
Most people think Daniel and I are having lots of sex with other people, which is funny because we are both very slow moving when it comes to that. You could call it being demisexual; above all we’re both attracted to people’s personality, intelligence and the way they care about others. I also feel like if I was really attracted to a person, loved their personality and all their great qualities, I don’t think it would matter what sex they were. I guess I would identify as pansexual.
Daniel and I started out with a hierarchy; we were the primary relationship and any other person was secondary. Then I met a guy I wanted to be with and when we started a relationship, it was uncomfortable to call him my “secondary” partner. It took Daniel and I a while to figure out that a hierarchy didn’t feel right. We didn’t like making anyone feel that they weren’t equal to us.
I was in a relationship with that particular man for two years in total and there were various reasons for why it ended, but when it did, Daniel and I started reading books about polyamory. That’s when we started to understand why we felt the hierarchical scenario was wrong for us. It took us educating ourselves that way to realize, rather than doing something and seeing if it worked.
We have decided to be relatively autonomous but ultimately, we are looking for “kitchen table polyamory” which is where you’re friends with your metamours—your partner’s partners. We’ve been in a wide range of situations, but for the most part we’ve all been friends.
But neither of us has ever been in another relationship where the other person didn’t know that we are polyamorous, that we live together, have a dog and share expenses. But it’s not always going to work out that we both have other partners and can both share half our time with each other and half with them. When I was in the two-year relationship, Daniel wasn’t with anyone else for most of that time. Then, more recently Daniel started seeing someone while I wasn’t seeing anyone.
When we’re talking to new people and dating, we’re pretty communicative about what’s happened on dates. We’ll talk and laugh about it. But if I get into a relationship with someone, I’ll communicate with that person and ask what they are OK for me to share with Daniel about our relationship, and if anything is off limits. Daniel does the same. It’s about open communication and consent.
Safety is also really important to us. If I’m out on a date that goes on for hours, Daniel will check in on me to make sure I’m safe. Or I will tell him if I am going over to someone’s house for the first time. But we don’t intrude on a date; we won’t be texting each other the whole time!
I do call Daniel my partner, which is short for life partner. That’s how I see him, I just can’t imagine ever not being close to him on some level. But we try to be autonomous. We have a calendar that we share and if I want to go on a date, I’ll put it in the calendar. If Daniel then wants to spend time with me and it coincides with that, we’ll work out another time for us. We’ve learned that we can’t just expect the other person to be available at all times. I think that has given us more respect for each other.
Of course, autonomy can’t work with everything. An example would be if I wanted to go away for the weekend with another partner. Normally Daniel wouldn’t be involved in my decisions with my other partner, but because our finances are shared, I would ask if he minds if I go on this trip and spend a ballpark amount of money.
I will say that we do both get jealous. It happens. Sometimes it’s insecurity; you may be worried that you don’t measure up to this other person. But the point of polyamory isn’t for your partner to find someone better than you and then leave you for them. Daniel and I have connections that only we have and that are very important to both of us, but he can also have connections with someone else that fulfills different needs. It’s all about your partner giving you the love that you need in those moments when you’re feeling lower. That’s how we deal with it.
We’re also in a band together, Dana and The Wolf, where I am the singer and Daniel mainly writes the music. He understands me so well that the lyrics feel like they’re mine, which is really special. He wrote an entire album about my relationship with my ex; about my polyamorous experience with another guy. It was beautiful. When he showed me each song, one by one, I couldn’t believe that he was able to capture what I felt inside and hadn’t been able to put into words. We have also posted songs on TikTok that share our journey of learning about polyamory and moving from monogamy to non-monogamy. We wrote them to help those who are interested in polyamory and want to understand it. I do think people have to be careful, especially when they are just getting into polyamory, because you may meet people who don’t have entirely genuine motivations.
I understand how people may see polyamory as an orientation, but I don’t necessarily think that’s it. It is a belief to me. I see that there is a level of control in monogamy that I don’t like, and I don’t think I will ever go back to liking it. To me, monogamy feels like someone else owns a part of my body when all the rest is, for some reason, free to share.
I understand monogamy is a commitment, but for me it seems like not wanting to share someone because you don’t want to get jealous or feel insecure, so you’d rather own the person and save yourself those feelings. In reality people feel jealous all the time, even in monogamous relationships where there is no infidelity. Monogamy doesn’t automatically cut out feelings of insecurity or jealousy.
Daniel and I have been together for 14 years now and are currently dating other people, but we’re also open to finding a third. People can get angry at that, because they think we’re looking for someone who would be “secondary”, but in a throuple situation, we would want to all be equal. I believe that the best part of life is developing love and caring really deeply for people, and that can happen in more ways than one.
Dana Hobson is a musician living in LA with her partner, Daniel Wolf. Together they are Dana and The Wolf. You can follow them on TikTok @danaandthewolf on Instagram @danaandthewolf or find out more at danaandthewolf.com.
All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
As told to Jenny Haward.